What would jesus do with his 401K? (WWJD?) 7.23.02

So there I was sitting on my old friend Mike's couch drenched in the green, geeky mist of science fiction role play and video games. It was the 24th annual Journey Beyond Summer Tour 2002. Basically, its 10 men in their mid-30s eating corn chips, swilling Mountain Dew and acting like jackass 16-year-olds for 72 straight hours. Good times ... good times.
I'm playing a game I have never heard of called "Soul Calibur(sic)," one of those video fighting games where you need to know 327 special button combinations just to kick your opponent in the jimmy. I lose horrifically to geek No. 9 who has spent the last four and a half years honing his combat skills in his mother's basement 14 hours a day, and this dude thinks he's Conan the Barbarian. And he did it before I even had the chance to figure out which buttons did what moves - common courtesy in any social situation.
"Yeah, that was really impressive beating a complete novice at a video game."
Then geek No. 10 says to geek No. 9, "Hey, winning is winning."
"Whoa," I says to him I say, "Winning is NOT winning."
Now, I know what you're thinking. Technically, winning IS winning and while it is a tautology like "1=1" or "God is because God is" and therefore not explicitly expressive of any greater meaning, logically a thing IS the equivalent of itself. There are still different kinds of victories and some are better than others.
So to prove my point, I told geek No. 10 that I would play him using only one button. He laughed. So did the other geeks. "What could this possibly prove?" I shouldn't be able to get so much as one hit and if I do, I count that as a kind of victory. Well, I think Jesus stepped in at this point, because I not only got a hit, I beat him. In fact, I won the next 10 games against five different geeks playing with seven different "characters" while I used only one button - and I didn't even press it that fast.
"This," I said, "is better."
Victory can be measured by any number of criteria. Beating a skilled opponent is better than beating a complete reject. Overcoming the odds is better than winning because you had it easy. Succeeding because you make a good product people need is better than making tons of cash defrauding the American people and sending the American economy into the toilet.
I would argue that winning at all costs is what has gotten our country into its current financial grind. You can debate about whose failed economic policy put us here and blame the lingering effects of 9/11, but when it comes to the excesses of greed, America's soul looks like the fat guy in "Seven" chasing down a microwaved chimichanga at Kwik Shop with a 72-oz. Glutton Gulp. We are all on a financial roller coaster ride painting the seats an interesting shade of brown whether we want to be on the ride or not. This is because corporate America has been demonstrating all of the spiritual advancement of a tweeked out shoplifter at the 24-hour adult magazine barn outside Ashland, Neb. But it's more than that. Even professional baseball players are bulking up to beat the band; and if there is any sport in the world where great physical prowess is not needed, it's baseball.
We have put winning at all costs before every other consideration. The stock market isn't back-to-the-jungle survival, it's money. I like cash as much as the next guy who thinks fresh vegetables and trips to the dentist are for rich folks, but how many yachts can you sunbathe on? How much jewelry do you really need?
In these difficult times, I think corporate America should do what the vast majority of America purports to do: put their faith in the Lord. The next time you're at the office of your Forbes 500 company faced with a moral dilemma like adding up numbers correctly or using creative accounting methods, just ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?"
Because nine times out of 10, Jesus wouldn't cook his books. In fact, I am pretty sure you never read in the Bible that Jesus was on his way to a wedding in Canaan when he turned to John, Paul and Ringo and doth spake: "I'm tapped, let's hit the ATM and pick up a really sweet Merlot."
I'm all in favor of people living by the example of Jesus. When it comes to moral compasses, he is right up there on my list of top-10 saviors of all time. I feel comfortable in saying that Jesus was the kind of demigod who believed simple was best, winning was not as important as how you play the game and it is better to lose with your soul intact than to get loaded and go to hell.
I've yet to invest for my retirement, and now seems like a bad time to start. But when I do, I will be looking for an investment firm that can use my money wisely, morally and invest in companies that see things my way.
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. His column runs on Wednesdays and Saturdays. He may be contacted at 328-1811, Ext. 279, or by e-mail at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.