TV, why are you so evil? (tv is a drug) 4.16.02

Recently, I have been reacquainted with a favorite, old TV show through the auspices of the modern cable television system. It was a highly popular early-'90s Canadian thriller about a Toronto cop wrestling with the moral, ethical and intellectual conundrums of working homicide on the night shift in the surprisingly clean yet technically gritty streets of a modern Canadian city. Oh, and he's a vampire trying to become human again, but that does not interfere with his ability to "get the job done."
The show is "Forever Knight" and I cannot for the life of me understand why I ever got so into it except at the time there was nothing else on. Canadian television is by and large pretty bland and even the best of shows have all the flavor of an all-u-can-eat lutefisk buffet. Plus I've never understood what was so funny about "Newfie" jokes.
Perhaps I was intellectually enthralled by the concept of a vampire cop. I mean, besides the drinking blood and being damned issues to cope with there are the technical challenges of avoiding the sun, crosses, garlic and long-term relationships. Let's face it, being a modern vampire is a pretty sexy option for a bachelor.
The flashbacks to previous centuries alone would be almost worth the risk of bursting into flames on the beach. Other than that it's "dressed to the nines and feelin' fine." Ann Rice is rich for a reason.
Maybe it's the power of the box this stuff came through.
U2, the super rich and popular Irish pop rock band all the 30 to 40-year-old kids are talking about, once conducted a little experiment on their ZooTV Tour. Lead singer, world famous political activist and dynamic frontman Bono postulated that even though concert-goers had paid big bucks to see one of the most popular rock and proselytizing acts the world, nay, the universe has ever seen, every member of the audience would still find their attention drawn to the Jumbotron television screens set up behind the band.
Of course, it worked.
It was a bold experiment with no control subject, just another mad scientist gig rockin' the house from Munich to Paris to New York to Los Angeles with one inexplicable stopover in Ames, Iowa.
Coincidence?! I doubt it. Is it a coincidence that Ames is at the center of a biotechnology and agribusiness revolution? Is it a coincidence that Ames has the best drinking water and the hottest coeds since "Girls Gone Wild IV." Not bloody likely.
Not even Bono himself has been able - or is it willing? - to explain all these threads. He was, however, quick to point out what most people knew, that even though they were at this "totally awesome concert, dude" they kept watching whatever was on the TV screens though there was no sound and it was only local broadcast programming.
So what is the theory here? Does TV ensnare us with its hypno-rays? Are we mercilessly trapped by its voodoo?
I don't know the scientific term, but yes. Let's face it, many of us have been watching "ER" on NBC for a long, long time. A long, long, LONG time.
If hard-pressed, could even the greatest "ER" fan explain what has happened on the show since it started some 20 or 30 years ago? I could come up with maybe half a page of stuff - random plotlines, vague rivalries, occasional high/low points - but right now I couldn't tell you the names of half the characters let alone explain why I come back every Thursday to see the same emergency medical procedures I saw five years ago.
We tend to blame a lot of things on the old TV as though your more stimulating programs have the ability to twist our minds with their sex and violence. Perhaps that's true. Frankly, I have begun to consider that TV may be a more accidentally insidious invention than most of us realize because of the almost complete lack of stimulation it provides.
TV is a drug. We may not pop it, shoot it, smoke it or put just a pinch of it between our cheek and gums, but TV stops the brain working faster than an opium high ball with a Demerol chaser.
Are you addicted? Can you turn it off? Do you find yourself talking about it at work or at parties? Is it the only thing you have in common with some people? Do you get cranky when you miss your shows? Do the people on TV seem like friends? Have you bought newer and bigger sets over the years though the old ones work fine? Do you have as many TVs as people in your house? Do you zone out while watching?
If you ever get the chance, watch yourself watching TV sometime. Videotape yourself watching three hours - even three GOOD hours - of TV. Then some night when the TV watching is so bad you have a half hour to kill pop that tape in and watch yourself. Fast forward to the good bits. Heck, fast forward for the entire three hours and watch you and your family barely move, speak or think all night long like the whole house is on Thorazine. Then ask yourself what the most dangerous drug in America might really be.
Gotta go, "Star Trek" is on.
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. His column runs on Wednesdays and Saturdays. He may be contacted at 328-1811, Ext. 279, or by e-mail at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.