College is not for everyone 8.3.01

With the sun providing an L.A.P.D.-style beat-down, it is difficult to imagine summer is going into its final leg.
Since a great many of you recent high school graduates are enjoying your last summer of childhood and are dangerously close to heading off to college, I thought now would be a good time to tell you and your parents there is still time to change your minds.
"What's that, college boy? You say you're tryin' to talk people OUTTA goin' to college?"
Yes, that's right, I am.
"But why, college boy, why?"
Well, I will tell you. You see, college is like sex - no matter what you think you are getting yourself into, chances are what actually happens will leave you feeling disappointed, humiliated and in debt up to your eyeballs.
The benefits of college are not what they seem. It is a double-edged sword.
College is just not for everyone, in spite of the fact that all your life, teachers have been telling you if you want to make something of yourself, you'd better go to college. Nice message for the kids who aren't going to college, by the way.
"But I thought college was supposed to be a positive experience."
Well, you'd be wrong, chief. The truth is, college does have its moments. I made out with a gymnast once, for example, something that would never have happened if I hadn't gone to college.
But, largely, it is a waste of time and money.
College is not what it used to be. Back in the day, the university was a place of learning, pure and good. Iowa's land grant universities, by mandate of the Morrill Act, operated to educate the masses. They took that duty seriously and offered it at a reasonable rate.
Classes on everything from new agricultural techniques and advances in engineering to history, literature and philosophy helped to create a race of super-smart farmers and mechanics who have made Iowa the enlightened oasis of knowledge it is today.
But times have changed, and just as sure as global warming will fry us all where we stand, college is a waste of time and money for half the people who go.
A university education used to mean that when you graduated, chances were pretty high you would be a much better and well-rounded person than when you went in. Today, most people come out just as stupid as when they went in, but they have a piece of paper that says otherwise.
Universities once taught critical thought, logic, communication skills, and if you were not learning, you did not graduate.
Today, any monkey can graduate from college in four or five years because universities are big business. They need your butts in their lecture halls and your cash in their pockets to keep the show running and make their profile look good.
Good to who? To corporations that choose which schools to invest in, based on such criteria as how many national merit scholars go there and how much university research benefits corporate America.
How willing is the average American university to sell out to corporate greed? Very, because universities today ARE corporate; but that is not the way it is supposed to work.
Universities should be sacred, like churches. Sure, money changes hands in both; I'm not naive. But they are still supposed to be a place where money is not the raison d'etre, the reason for being.
Ironically, corporations aren't impressed with the university degree in your pocket. They know just how devalued degrees have become, because they helped to devalue them. Oh, the engineering firms need to know you have a degree in engineering, but they are much more impressed by your internships.
Advanced degrees are almost mandatory anymore. Big Business could care less if you have a degree in archaeology, communication or Sanskrit. But if you have an M.B.A., you could be a sociopath and still get on. Being a sociopath is actually helpful in today's competitive market.
Universities have turned into very expensive trade schools, so why not be smart and go to one of those instead?
If you want the kind of enlightenment philosophy, history and literature bring, then get a library card and read books on your own time.
Or wait a couple of years until you are old enough to appreciate your education. College is wasted on 18-year-olds. Very few people leave high school prepared to go to a major university and get what they are paying for. It doesn't even occur to them that they will need to.
I highly recommend soul-crushing labor in some filthy telemarketing outfit for a few years. Only prison is better for making you take your life seriously.
So, to sum up, if you don't know what you want to do when you go to college or if you suspect you might not be quite on the ball, don't be afraid to put off college until you are old enough to appreciate your education.
If you just want to be rich, I suggest you go to truck-driving school or become a plumber.
If you want to learn about the world, read books on your own, travel or join the Army, preferably the American one.
Whatever you do, don't expect college to spoon-feed you your future.
"Thanks, college boy!"
No problem.
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. He can be reached at 328-1811, ext. 279, or at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com