If you're like me, and I know I am...

Sunday, February 25, 2007

These Chimps Will Flippin' Kill Us All!

According to a BBC story last week, anthropologists
have have spotted chimpanzees making and using spears (in
spite of what we learned in Planet of the Apes, chimps are
NOT pacifists). These little bastards aren't just using sticks
to beat other monkeys either. They are doing what you
or I would do if we were stuck in the woods with no other
tools. They are choosing decent live branches, stripping
off the bark and sharpening the ends with their teeth. Then
they are going after bushbabies, stabbing them and extracting
them from their hiding places. Watch out mankind, there is
a new kid on the block.

Jill Pruetz, assistant professor of anthropology at Iowa
State University (my alma mater) told the BBC that these
observations, "could have implications for human evolution."
Not in Kansas, of course, since human evolution doesn't exist
there in any recognizable form, but think of the possibilities
for those of us who aren't stuck in the 1930's. We are truly
not alone any more and we didn't have to find aliens to
prove it.

Geeks Like Us

Hi. My name is Greg and ... I'm a gamer [sobs].

Of course, when I say gamer I mean it in the 1983 sense
of the term which is "I play D&D" not the current sense
which means "I play World of Warcraft."

Here is a great story on the BBC web site about D&D
over the years with comments from geeks like us on
how they did it (chortling all the way), where they
did it (in other people's basements) and why they did
it (it was freakin' fun).

I remember hearing about D&D from Mike Kinney, this
kid in my reading class when I was in 7th grade. I had
just finished reading "The Hobbit" and was stoked. He
asked me if I'd be interested in playing a game that let
you act out the things in "The Hobbit." Hell's yeah, was
my answer. He let me borrow his books (the ones you
see here) and I browsed through them. To be h0nest,
I've NEVER read them cover to cover. The game has
a lot of detail to it, but the basics are actually pretty
simple. No, I liked looking at the primitive artwork that
really seemed to fire up my imagination more than really
professional fantasy artwork could at the time. I mean,
seriously, look at these pics. They look like a really talented
12-year-old did them. It's great.

For me, D&D was always something played in other people's
basements. Basements with finished walls and carpet. Basements
with rising damp and piled with crap. Basements where a
kid could be a hero by rolling some funny dice. We never drank
when we played. We had pop and chips, occasionally pizza, but
for us, D&D was a wholesome good time. It cracked us the hell
up that certain religious types thought we were putting our
immortal souls in danger. I blame that mostly on Gary Gygax
for having a weird name and putting demons on two of his
game book covers.

D&D rocks and while it may not be as popular as it once was, it
is still better than the competition (video games, card games and

NPR stories about D&D

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Stop the War ... BEFORE it starts this time

I sent some comments to the White House today
as part of a larger effort on the part of General
Wesley Clark to encourage our Commander in Chimp
to give up on his seemingly inevitable march toward
war with Iran. You can add your comments as well
at Stopiranwar.com

Just in case you are too chickenshit to send a comment
yourself, but you still want to see what a response from the
White House looks like. Here it is:

On behalf of President Bush, thank you for your
correspondence. We appreciate hearing your views
and welcome your suggestions.

The President is committed to continuing our
economic progress, defending our freedom, and
upholding our Nation's deepest values.

Due to the large volume of e-mail received, the
White House cannot respond to every message.
Please visit the White House website for the
most up-to-date information on Presidential
initiatives, current events, and topics of
interest to you.

In order to better receive comments from the
public, a new system has been implemented.
In the future please send your comments to

Thank you again for taking the time to write.

Ready to do Ollies, I think

My new shoes. Pretty cool, hunh? My God
those skateboarders know comfortable shoes.
These Airwalk "Flip Tech" Skate shoes were half
off at Payless. That really surprised me because
I thought they only sold shit. Apparently, they
are selling name brands now and I gots NOOO
problem paying half price for cool shoes. Now if
I can just figure out how to lace them up properly.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Am I a believer? I'm not a NON-believer

I moved recently and have been without cable for a few weeks.
This is not the hardship you think it is. Whenever I have cable,
I collect as many UFO documentaries as I can. But I don't usually
get to watch them all until I have nothing else to watch ... and
then I really cherish them. Some people think it's crazy to believe
that maybe there are extraterrestrials visiting the Earth, abducting
folk or buzzing Mexico City. Frankly, I think you're nuts if you
believe it isn't possible, you crazy son of a bitch.

Now, I'm not saying I believe every story out there. Some are just
incredible bullshit. And there are weird asses who will believe in
anything and promulgate nonsense. But there are also some really
smart people who believe we need to keep an open mind. So I'll be
damned if I'll discount everything I've heard and seen (on video) just
because it's far-fetched and -- let's be honest -- frightening. The universe,
time and space, are way too immense to rule out anything just because
our primitive monkey brains can't grok it yet.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Romulus and Remus

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Kids Say the Stupidest Shit

Kids always think their parents are perfectly
matched. It's sad really though understandable.
To a kid, his parents are his world. From the
time he is conceived until true self awareness,
he can't even be expected to see the world as
anything but what his parents have created
with themselves at the center. Even if they
struggle, it seems natural and ideal.

Case in point, my buddy's kid said something
the other day to the effect of "I think that's why
you and dad work so well together." I was all
like, "You think your parents work well together?"
You be the judge. He works, she spends. They
didn't speak the same language when they met
and they still don't communicate well. She wants
to move to L.A. and he wants to stay in his home
town if at all possible. She is lazy and laid back, he
is a hard-ass control freak. They are both narcissistic.

Don't get me wrong, I love 'em to death, but they are
far from perfect. And I'm holding a lot of things back
on this one because they come here once in a blue

No couple is perfect. Most don't work that well. If they
work at all, it's enough. I don't work in relationships
myself, but then I can't stand people. Women are people,
QED I can't stand women. I'm not a misogynist per se,
I just can't stand anyone who thinks their mission
vis a vis me is to light a fire under me and remake me
into someone useful to them by means of mind control
and gamesmanship.

Take my last "girlfriend" for example. She was supposed
to come over to my house the day after Xmas and she never
showed. She didn't answer her cell phone. I called exactly
three times to see what was up and that was it. I didn't
e-mail or try back another day. I called once to tell her
I was ready for her to come down. Then twice more to see
where the hell she was at. I didn't look back. Three weeks
latter I get this phone call, we make up and arrange to
meet the next day. Again she's a no show. I called ONCE.
She wanted me to call her and whine like a puppy to get
her "to be with me." Fuck that noise. I didn't even explain
that no way in hell was I gonna play a game with someone
who should have been on her best behavior after blowing
me off for three weeks on a no show. Then she has the
nerve to expect me to say things like "baby, I miss you, please
come be with me."

Long story short if you can't play THAT game, you aren't gonna
last in a relationship.

Everybody Knows

As a mixed race half-breed mutt American, the only thing I find more annoying than self-entitled white people complaining about minorities taking his stuff is listening to everyone else bag on whitey for being racist like every other race on the planet is somehow more enlightened and better behaved.

Well, it just ain't so. Everybody is a racist. Blacks, Mexican, Arabs, Asians. I've got a Korean friend who hates Mexicans but any time a well-meaning white store clerk tries but fails to understand her thick accent, he or she is a "lacist."

God forbid a white person say "you people" instead of the race neutral "y'all" or some lengthy legalistic and well-prefaced preamble indemnifying them against any past, present and future accusations of racism. I contend that no other group of people on this planet do more to try and NOT be racist than white people and it's that that gets them into more trouble than anything.
I know because some of my best friends are white. I know because there is a fine line between my best buddy calling me a big ***** bastard and some random guy in a classroom setting making a stereotypical racist joke about "my people."

Is there really ANYTHING that white people can say about Obama that WON'T sound racist? It's perfectly legitimate to talk about his race as a factor in this election because, and get this, it IS a factor in this election. I think a lot of white liberals are going to vote for him because he's black. And I don't think the media is going to ignore his race though some outlets are going to look foolish trying to pretend that they can while others are going to pretend they aren't racist while using race bating to bash Obama because he's a democrat with a good shot at becoming president.

If Obama does win, I hope he declares a national day of "Chill the Hell Out" in which can all just walk around noticing each other's differences, say outrageous things and stop trying to not notice the very noticeable.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Friday, February 09, 2007

R.I.P. Skank

Anna Nicole Smith, doing what she did best: posing while high
or as most of us know it: NOTHING

And now, the only thing that could possibly knock
a diaper-wearing astro stalker off the front page:
a dead skank.

That's right, I said it. Anna Nicole Smith was a
skank when she was alive and now that she's dead
it doesn't make her charming or America's sweetheart.
It makes her a dead skank. Reading through CNN's email
responses from the mouth-breathers of America, you
would think that Smith had somehow enriched our lives.
Well call me an old prude but I don't see how any
gold-digging hussy whose only claim to fame was public
notoriety for marrying an ancient millionaire could
enrich anything but tabloid sales.

It's sad in the lower case sense when anyone dies, but
you know what? Millions of people die on this planet
every day, week, month and year. The vast majority
of us will NEVER be known by more than a handful of
our fellow humans for the lives we lead. Some of us
do charity work or take care of our families. This dead
floozy doesn't deserve our public displays of mourning,
TV time or headlines in any respectable news source.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Love means never having to say you're crazy as a shithouse rat

Astronaut Lisa Nowak, setting women back light years with her crazy shit

And the winner if the category of Craziest
Fucking Thing I've Ever Heard is astroNUT
Lisa Nowak. Love has made me do some pretty
crazy shit, too, so I can't be totally judgeMENTAL,
but even I have drawn the line at wearing
adult diapers to prolong my stalking behavior.
But then I've never tried to drive 900 miles without
stopping so I could kill someone with a meat mallet,
a pellet gun and some mace.

Maybe I just don't know what love IS?

Love makes a lot of people crazy, but then a lot of
people are just crazy to start with. Also, a lot of people
aren't space shuttle astronauts who go through extensive
psychological testing to make sure they don't freak out
under extreme pressure. I would define love as extreme
bullshit, but not extreme pressure. In fact, it's about as
run-of-the-mill as any cliche can be. "He doesn't love me?"
"He's fucking someone else?" "He won't leave his wife and
kids?" Get over it. Stop what you're doing. Take a deep
breath and deal with it. What a humilating week it's gonna
be for NASA. They don't need this crap. It's hard enough
to convince Joe Sixpack of the value of space-based research
without one of NASA's most highly trained professionals
going Basic Instinct on the national stage.

My God, the craziest thing I ever did because love made
me do it was make a scene once at work that got me sent
home early. I felt bad enough about that. But then I was like
24 at the time and working in a telemarketing hellhole and going
through some severe mental trauma on the side. If I could have
sat back and said, "Fuck her, I'm an astronaut" I think I could
have dealt with the pain of unrequited love. Oh yeah.

Friday, February 02, 2007

50-year-old dead white baby makes Florida police weepy

It never ceases to amaze me how concerned the authorities
get over human life when it is terribly abstract. Here's a
about a dead baby found in a suitcase that has police
pining on about the sanctity of life.

Meanwhile, here's another story about some cops in Kansas City
who hauled a miscarrying pregnant woman off to jail when
she was heard to be begging for medical attention.

I don't know which story makes me more sick. If baby no. 1 was
black or Latino, I'm sure the cops would be talking about finding the
kids killers and punishing the hell out of them for ... at the very least ...
improper disposal of a corpse. I guess it just doesn't pay to be
not white in America.