If you're like me, and I know I am...

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The Faces Remain the Same

Year after year it's the same fucking story from the same fucking types of people who think they're the most original thinkers on the face of this whole boring fucking planet. Guys I knew in high school are reincarnated about every five years into the visage of a brand new asshole. Todd and Ben could be the same person. Each one admired me for some fucking reason I couldn't fathom. Each one had some kind of bizarre man crush and wanted to hang out with me and be my little apostle. And each one became disillusioned with me after I failed to maintain their illusion of my coolness. Each one treated me like the wise old monk they wanted to be just like. Then later, each one treated me as though I had failed to live up to their ridiculous expectations. Maybe I had a mood swing or failed to praise them or God forbid made them feel like they weren't part of my secret inner world for two seconds because I had an all too human reaction.

I run into the blabbermouth over and over again, the icon (he to whom attention must be paid), the succubus (the dreaded soul-sucking vampire bitch), the in your face homosexual who insists that I must hear about his bullshit or prove myself less than enlightened. I think the downside to being immortal would be running into these people again and again yet each time you do, the new version thinks that he or she is a true original.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

I miss Betty Friedan

Betty Friedan, Feminism co-founder (joke stamp from The Onion)

I miss Farscape

Gigi Edgely, Farscape's Chiana

Friday, February 24, 2006

My Chat with SpankGoat about Irony

GregJerrett (12:13:02 AM): spike jonze is making Where the Wild Things Are in New Zealand with the Jim Henson company. That oughta suck.

ATTENTION (12:13:51 AM): File Transfer session initiated.

spankgoat (12:13:52 AM): sounds kinda cool to me

GregJerrett (12:14:09 AM): yeah

GregJerrett (12:14:37 AM): me too

GregJerrett (12:14:51 AM): i was being ironic

GregJerrett (12:15:04 AM): fuck this file will take some time

spankgoat (12:15:20 AM): i don't think ironic is the right word

spankgoat (12:15:28 AM): it was more some version of sarcasm

GregJerrett (12:15:39 AM): oh i think it IS

and sarcasm is defined as?

GregJerrett (12:16:11 AM): cause ironic is defined as when the literal meaning is the opposite of the stated meaning

GregJerrett (12:16:16 AM): so fuck you

GregJerrett (12:16:33 AM): i work in irony MF

GregJerrett (12:16:53 AM): should I throw some emoticons in here so you know I'm joking?

GregJerrett (12:17:07 AM): :-)

GregJerrett (12:17:31 AM): ;-)

spankgoat (12:17:32 AM): irony is the opposite as to what is expected happens...

GregJerrett (12:17:44 AM): it's on now

GregJerrett (12:18:04 AM): it is fucking on

spankgoat (12:18:49 AM): sarcasm is the USE of irony to mock or convey contempt

GregJerrett (12:19:12 AM): get ready for it ... bitch

GregJerrett (12:19:17 AM): irony is 1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning

spankgoat (12:20:01 AM): did you just make that up?

GregJerrett (12:20:12 AM): 2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially
the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form
characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance

spankgoat (12:20:14 AM): because i just looked up both definitions in the dictionary

GregJerrett (12:20:37 AM): 3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events
and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity
between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is
understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play -- called also dramatic irony, tragic

synonym see WIT

GregJerrett (12:20:48 AM): yeah i just made these up

GregJerrett (12:20:53 AM): I'm that good

spankgoat (12:20:53 AM): you're good

spankgoat (12:21:35 AM): what you said wasn't ironic...it was ironic that YOU said it

GregJerrett (12:21:55 AM): OH, what is this the Joe and Ryan show?

spankgoat (12:21:56 AM): what you said was sarcastic

spankgoat (12:22:38 AM): no, this was the ryan and greg show

GregJerrett (12:22:41 AM): i hate to tell you this, freshman, but IRONY is not the narrow, straight line concept that most "wordsmiths" take it for

GregJerrett (12:23:16 AM): one can say something deliberately to be ironic. especially today in the post modern context of personal drama in which most of us live and operate in as we do our daily schtick

spankgoat (12:23:47 AM): greg, the next time i see you, i will make you cry

GregJerrett (12:23:54 AM): ICRN
- I'm crying rightnow

spankgoat (12:24:10 AM): i figured that one out on my own

spankgoat (12:24:14 AM): that's a good one

GregJerrett (12:24:41 AM): you're just pissed cause I shook your prefab intellectual bs to its

GregJerrett (12:25:01 AM): go back to junior college and tell your teacher to fuck himself

spankgoat (12:25:22 AM): hey...i'm not saying you're totally wrong...just wrong

GregJerrett (12:25:43 AM): and I'm telling you that you've been schooled

GregJerrett (12:25:48 AM): fucking schooled

spankgoat (12:26:23 AM): have i?

spankgoat (12:26:37 AM): that's the best comeback i could come up with

GregJerrett (12:26:53 AM): I used words to express something other than the literal meaning of
those words. Therefore my statement was ironic.

GregJerrett (12:27:04 AM): if we were in prison, we'd soon see who was right

spankgoat (12:27:50 AM): we'd ask the warden

spankgoat (12:27:54 AM): he'd know

spankgoat (12:27:59 AM): wardens read a lot

GregJerrett (12:29:17 AM): you should read a lot

GregJerrett (12:29:30 AM): then you wouldnt be fuckin with me

GregJerrett (12:29:51 AM): I hate to tell you this son, but I'm as close to a literary icon as you're gonna get

GregJerrett (12:29:56 AM): in person

GregJerrett (12:29:57 AM): that is

spankgoat (12:30:03 AM): lol

spankgoat (12:30:19 AM): lolsfhtitimjdrn

spankgoat (12:31:45 AM): the colbert report is funny

GregJerrett (12:32:03 AM): yes ... yes it is

GregJerrett (12:32:31 AM): well buddy, I think i will call it a night (yawn) I've been up or about 2
hours, better go to bed

spankgoat (12:32:44 AM): haha

spankgoat (12:32:48 AM): are you serious?

spankgoat (12:33:14 AM): or are you being "ironic?"

GregJerrett (12:33:15 AM): i went to bed about 330 and wanted to get up around 730 so i could go
do laundry and get a pizza

GregJerrett (12:33:30 AM): i woke up at 10, too late to get godfathers

GregJerrett (12:33:35 AM): so i got valentinos

GregJerrett (12:33:56 AM): I'll stick an ironic foot up ya ass!

spankgoat (12:34:50 AM): does that mean you're going to fist me?

GregJerrett (12:35:09 AM): no

GregJerrett (12:35:11 AM): sick fuck

GregJerrett (12:35:33 AM): does that sound like my thing

spankgoat (12:44:27 AM): OMFG i just saw a TV commercial for earthlink truevoice

GregJerrett (12:44:41 AM): REALLY

GregJerrett (12:44:48 AM): was it bullshit

GregJerrett (12:44:52 AM): what channel?

GregJerrett (12:44:56 AM): comedy central?

spankgoat (12:45:00 AM): comedy central

GregJerrett (12:45:11 AM): i was being ironic

spankgoat (12:45:28 AM): it was all like "leave your phone company behind forever"

GregJerrett (12:45:42 AM): and LIVE IN SILENCE!

GregJerrett (12:45:54 AM): better off sending smoke signals

GregJerrett (12:46:28 AM): fuck this file, it's gonna take forever

GregJerrett (12:46:32 AM): brb

spankgoat (12:46:41 AM): i hear scrolls tied to falcons is gaining popularity

GregJerrett (12:48:45 AM): i could just copy the files and give them to you as a gift.

spankgoat (12:49:18 AM): can we make out afterward?

GregJerrett (12:50:04 AM): this gay stuff is starting to make me uncomfortable

GregJerrett (12:50:19 AM): in my pants

spankgoat (12:50:29 AM): lol

spankgoat (12:50:46 AM): it was actually more of a chuckle...i feel i need to be honest

GregJerrett (12:51:04 AM): cstm -
chuckling softly to myself

GregJerrett (12:51:17 AM): I never LOL

GregJerrett (12:51:21 AM): if we're being honest

GregJerrett (12:51:35 AM): i don't think anyone who types LOL is really Ling OL

spankgoat (12:51:40 AM): i very rarely am loling when i say lol

spankgoat (12:52:02 AM): but on occasion i do lol when i type lol

GregJerrett (12:52:37 AM): usually when I'm LOL, i don't type LOL and when I type LOL I'm just

GregJerrett (12:53:26 AM): turn over to iowa public tv would you

GregJerrett (12:53:31 AM): you gotta see this shit

spankgoat (12:53:54 AM): i can't

spankgoat (12:54:11 AM): i'm out of range of my TV now because my gf went to sleep

GregJerrett (12:54:29 AM): do you live with your "GF"

GregJerrett (12:54:45 AM): animusic.com

spankgoat (12:54:46 AM): for the most part

GregJerrett (12:55:17 AM): did you guys have sex tonight?

GregJerrett (12:55:21 AM): was it awesome?

spankgoat (12:55:40 AM): i've never had sex

GregJerrett (12:55:43 AM): i havent been laid in so long, i'm like beef jerky down there

GregJerrett (12:56:06 AM): i find that hard to believe, what are you religious?

spankgoat (12:56:18 AM): i'm mormon

GregJerrett (12:56:28 AM): awkward!

GregJerrett (12:56:44 AM): Mormons can have sex, they just can't brag about it

spankgoat (12:56:58 AM): i told a few lies back there...

spankgoat (12:57:10 AM): and i apologize

GregJerrett (12:57:14 AM): oh, i thought you were being ironic and shit

GregJerrett (12:57:22 AM): so your NOT mormon

GregJerrett (12:57:28 AM): just a virgin

spankgoat (12:57:37 AM): brb

GregJerrett (12:57:38 AM): theres nothing wrong with being a virgin

GregJerrett (12:57:48 AM): i was a virgin until about a month ago

spankgoat (12:59:20 AM): what?

GregJerrett (12:59:44 AM): i said, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin

GregJerrett (12:59:51 AM): i was one until about a month ago

GregJerrett (1:00:05 AM): i was waiting for that special some one

GregJerrett (1:00:22 AM): but then i just decided to get a blowjob from a dude at the dirty book store

spankgoat (1:00:25 AM): greg, you and me never had sex...

GregJerrett (1:00:58 AM): what you mean, at all or just with each other?

spankgoat (1:01:15 AM): with eachother

GregJerrett (1:01:39 AM): i knew it was dark in that skank theater
but ...

spankgoat (1:01:46 AM): i'm going to have to intervene in this conversation and say it's getting

GregJerrett (1:01:54 AM): you made it weird

GregJerrett (1:02:00 AM): you fuckin perv

spankgoat (1:02:05 AM): you made it weird

GregJerrett (1:02:14 AM): YMIW

spankgoat (1:02:24 AM): you are the one who asked if i had sex tonight

spankgoat (1:02:32 AM): so YMIW

spankgoat (1:02:41 AM): and i rolled with it

spankgoat (1:02:59 AM): and it felt goooood

GregJerrett (1:03:01 AM): yeah that's weird, a guy talking about straight sex with another dude.
That'd get me kicked out of a locker room

spankgoat (1:03:27 AM): ok. IMIW...

GregJerrett (1:03:36 AM): so did you get laid or what

spankgoat (1:03:45 AM): afraid not

GregJerrett (1:03:52 AM): its not too late

spankgoat (1:04:08 AM): oh, it is

GregJerrett (1:04:12 AM): just rub your erection on here while she's asleep until she wakes up. women love that

spankgoat (1:04:33 AM): lol

spankgoat (1:04:39 AM): i actually was laughing

spankgoat (1:04:46 AM): IAWL

spankgoat (1:04:59 AM): wtf is this animusic?

GregJerrett (1:05:09 AM): that's what was on IPTV

GregJerrett (1:05:15 AM): whats IAWL

spankgoat (1:05:38 AM): i actually was laughing

GregJerrett (1:05:57 AM): I dont know all these hip internet abbreviations

GregJerrett (1:06:07 AM): frankly i think most of them are pretty lame

spankgoat (1:06:13 AM): good lord greg, are you all hyped up on goofballs?

GregJerrett (1:06:21 AM): yes

GregJerrett (1:06:24 AM): yes i am

GregJerrett (1:06:35 AM): and god willing i always will be

GregJerrett (1:11:17 AM): i'm canceling this file dude

GregJerrett (1:11:28 AM): i shall have to just make you a copy and bring it in sat

spankgoat (1:11:50 AM): you weren't cut out for distributing pirated TV shows...

ATTENTION (1:12:15 AM): File Transfer session has been disconnected.

GregJerrett (1:12:33 AM): here is a consolation prize that should come by real quick

GregJerrett (1:14:03 AM): do you know Echo and the Bunnymen?

ATTENTION (1:14:35 AM): File Transfer session initiated.

spankgoat (1:15:12 AM): i have a couple of their albums...

spankgoat (1:15:15 AM): but not this one

GregJerrett (1:15:32 AM): this is from songs to learn and sing

GregJerrett (1:15:37 AM): that is THE classic album

GregJerrett (1:15:42 AM): seriously

spankgoat (1:15:50 AM): that's a greatest hits album

GregJerrett (1:16:07 AM): yeah, that's right

GregJerrett (1:16:16 AM): and if you have only one, that's the one to get

GregJerrett (1:16:26 AM): what are you like a little know it all

GregJerrett (1:16:32 AM): fuck

spankgoat (1:16:36 AM): no

GregJerrett (1:16:48 AM): do you know bring on the dancing horses?

spankgoat (1:16:53 AM): no

ATTENTION (1:17:13 AM): File transfer for (Echo & the Bunnymen)-08-The Killing Moon.wma is

GregJerrett (1:17:25 AM): the killing moon was in the opening of donnie darko

spankgoat (1:17:31 AM): yeah

GregJerrett (1:17:39 AM): bring on the dancing horses was used in pretty in pink

GregJerrett (1:17:46 AM): it's one of my favorites

spankgoat (1:17:51 AM): then they changed it to a different song in the director's cut

GregJerrett (1:17:59 AM): no way, what?

spankgoat (1:18:04 AM): of donnie darko that is

spankgoat (1:18:11 AM): i forgot

GregJerrett (1:18:30 AM): i kind of like sending songs

GregJerrett (1:18:38 AM): may i try a couple of other 80s tunes on you?

spankgoat (1:18:54 AM): go right ahead

ATTENTION (1:18:59 AM): File transfer for (Echo & the Bunnymen)-11-Bring on the Dancing
Horses.wma is complete.

GregJerrett (1:19:01 AM): you like punk?

spankgoat (1:19:04 AM): i love 80s tunes

spankgoat (1:19:09 AM): depends

spankgoat (1:19:34 AM): i like punk like early siouxsie and the banshees

GregJerrett (1:20:59 AM): joy division? they're from manchester

spankgoat (1:21:28 AM): yeah, i love joy division

ATTENTION (1:21:57 AM): File transfer for Flowerpot Men - Beat City.mp3 is complete.

spankgoat (1:22:25 AM): is that a remix?

GregJerrett (1:22:31 AM): yup

GregJerrett (1:22:47 AM): different version anyway, a slow one, quite lovely

spankgoat (1:23:14 AM): is it on the b-sides/rarities thing?

ATTENTION (1:23:36 AM): File transfer for (Pixies, The)-04-Wave of Mutilation (U_K_ Surf).wma is

GregJerrett (1:23:38 AM): maybe, but i got mine from the PUMP UP THE VOLUME soudntrack

GregJerrett (1:23:56 AM): here are some limey punks

GregJerrett (1:24:01 AM): March Violets

GregJerrett (1:24:03 AM): heard of them?

spankgoat (1:24:07 AM): nope

ATTENTION (1:25:32 AM): File transfer for (March Violets, The)-08-Miss Amanda Jones.wma is complete.

spankgoat (1:26:29 AM): if i was on my other computer i'd send you some songs

spankgoat (1:26:50 AM): but my other computer is at another house

GregJerrett (1:26:53 AM): shoot them to me in an email sometime. yahoo and gmail will both send about 10 megs

ATTENTION (1:27:04 AM): File transfer for (March Violets, The)-10-Turn to the Sky.wma is complete.

GregJerrett (1:27:21 AM): do you know alphaville?

spankgoat (1:27:27 AM): nope

GregJerrett (1:27:45 AM): how bout berlin

GregJerrett (1:27:48 AM): early berlin

spankgoat (1:27:56 AM): i've heard of berlin

spankgoat (1:28:02 AM): but haven't heard their music

GregJerrett (1:29:51 AM): i didnt think it would do more than one

spankgoat (1:30:32 AM): it will if i click on more than one

spankgoat (1:30:45 AM): i've just been letting one finish and then clicking the next one

ATTENTION (1:31:12 AM): File transfer for Alphaville - Forever Young.mp3 is complete.

GregJerrett (1:31:22 AM): you like club music?

GregJerrett (1:31:28 AM): i got this british dude

GregJerrett (1:31:43 AM): who is indian, doing a club mix, it's pretty cool

GregJerrett (1:32:10 AM): heard of FEAR?

spankgoat (1:32:21 AM): heard of, never heard

GregJerrett (1:32:30 AM): that's about to change

GregJerrett (1:32:40 AM): hnow about earasure

GregJerrett (1:32:43 AM): erasure

ATTENTION (1:32:50 AM): File transfer for Berlin - No More Words.mp3 is complete.

GregJerrett (1:32:53 AM): probably right

spankgoat (1:33:01 AM): same

spankgoat (1:33:45 AM): after this song, i have to get going to bed

GregJerrett (1:33:57 AM): me too.

spankgoat (1:34:01 AM): i have to wake up at 8 tomorrow

GregJerrett (1:34:11 AM): for what? school?

spankgoat (1:34:25 AM): to take someone else to school

GregJerrett (1:34:28 AM): well you put these in your ipod and smoke em pal

spankgoat (1:34:31 AM): who doesn't have a car

spankgoat (1:34:40 AM): oh i will

GregJerrett (1:34:59 AM): well later then, back to my sitting here

ATTENTION (1:35:06 AM): File transfer for Desi Funk - Bollywood Mega Mix.mp3 is complete.

spankgoat (1:35:19 AM): don't sit there too long

GregJerrett (1:35:35 AM): what else is there to do at 2 am

spankgoat (1:36:05 AM): you should write a blog entry about tonight's chat...but embellish it...

GregJerrett (1:36:13 AM): i could just copy it

spankgoat (1:36:37 AM): lame

GregJerrett (1:36:50 AM): whatever

GregJerrett (1:36:54 AM): it's done

GregJerrett (1:36:56 AM): go read it

spankgoat (1:37:39 AM): all i see is betty page

GregJerrett (1:37:49 AM): shit you're fast

GregJerrett (1:38:43 AM): i mean it WILL be there in a minute

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Betty Page

Some people are icons for a reason. Betty Page did some things
in the 50s that would make a lot of us blush today. I think I like
the photos of her fully dressed best. Sure, she's got a great body ...
timeless even, but look at that face. She might have been publicly
naughty, but I suspect that deep down, she was pretty sweet.
Of course, I've been wrong bef0re. I suppose it's only natural to
fantasize. Better to assume that if it look like a duck, quacks
like a duck and gets all whorey like a duck, then it must be a
slutty duck. But really, isn't that just a bit misogynistic of me?
Anyway, Betty Page is well over 80 today which raises certain
ethical questions. Namely, is it OK to spank it to pictures of an
83-year-old woman?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

It's time to do it!

If you've never done IT before, I feel sorry for you. You're missing out on one of life's greatest experiences. There is nothing quite like that connection you make with another person, you know, really get into who they are ... when you read their blog. So if you've never read some of the blogs in my links section over to the right (from where you're sitting) please do so now. And while you're there, check out some of the links I find entertaining. Why? Because I'm not a squid and only go to sites that have some kind of value to them. No kitten pictures, no Joke of the Day bullshit, no links to computer sites. If I say ĀµTorrent is a good program, you better believe it, Chuck E. Cheese.

Friday, February 17, 2006

You Will Believe a Man Can Fly

I didn't want to spoil this one with a lot of verbiage, you know? I remember seeing the first Superman with Christopher Reeves. It gave me the chills. Watching the clip for this one did the same thing ... in no small part to the awesome tribute to the original. Check out this clip for Superman Returns.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Classic Column: Iowa State Daily 1.26.01

Centrism - What a Load

"We have among us a class of mammon worshippers,
whose one test of conservatism or radicalism is the
attitude one takes with respect to accumulated wealth.
Whatever tends to preserve the wealth of the wealthy
is called conservatism, and whatever favors anything
else, no matter what, is called socialism." --Richard T. Ely

Remember when America took that big shift to the right a few
years back. You know, Rush Limbaugh was on television three
times a day deconstructing every comment made by leftists and
"feminazis." Apparently a shift to the right requires a healthy
dose of spoon-fed "Politics for Dummies."

Eight years later, the country has nudged back to the left, though
you might be hard pressed to see how. Today's Washington Post
featured an article by Charles Babington on the 2000 election that
said Gore's big loss may have been ironically caused by a shift to
the left.

Democrats in general are split about the cause of this narrow defeat.
On one hand, centrists believe Gore's liberalism cost him votes while
old-fashioned liberals believe it was his centrism. Each group has
exit polls proving their points, of course. Exit polls show that the
only thing exit polls are good for are giving jobs to the pollsters.

You don't need a poll to tell you Gore lost this election because
enough people voted for Nader to keep him from easily winning
several states and the electoral votes they carry.

Gore lost the election because he and the Democratic Party have
been steadily losing the left in this country.

It began shortly after Bill Clinton took office. He ran on a platform
to provide healthcare reform for a nation that desperately needs it.
This was a fiasco of Biblical proportions minus the rain of frogs.

Next, Bill promised to make sure that no homosexual man or woman
would ever again be denied the right to serve their country in any of
nation's armed forces. And what did we get? "Don't ask, don't tell."
A policy only minutely improved over the old "tell or we'll beat the
crap out of you" policy.

It goes without saying no significant advances have been made in
environmental reforms, otherwise Nader wouldn't have bothered.

Since nothing seems to get done, people want to blame partisanship.
While senseless political battles serve no purpose, total cooperation
won't accomplish much else, and here is why.

Nowadays, everybody is all excited about centrism. Centrism is
the new political placebo our leaders want us to swallow so we
think everything is all better for a while.

According to the Associated Press, fully one-third of the Senate
showed up Wednesday for a meeting of the Senate Centrist
Coalition. The plan is to defy party politics and get something done.

Senate majority leader Trent Lott, R-Miss. said the senators "are
going to defy partisan politics" because "different times and
different situations call for different approaches." Huh?

I guess we are all supposed to put down our beers and go
"by god it's about time those fatcats got something done in
Washington, ain't it?" Right.

The tiny fraction of the American public that actually cares
about politics might well be fooled by such sentiments, but
those of us on both sides of the political fence should see
centrism for what it truly is, just another attempt to mystify
us with BS. As long as we think politicians are working,
we might give them some time to come up with the next

The concept of working together to get things done sounds
great on paper and in easy-to-understand sound bites, but
it does completely ignore one major fact and that is that
there are significant differences between the right and the
left because there are differences between people.

I don't want my public policies watered down to the point
where they are acceptable to republicans. That's how we
got "don't ask, don't tell." What I want and what I am pretty
sure die-hard conservatives want are politicians with passion
who can go out and fight for what we believe in.

I don't want a compromised version of national health care
that ends up being a shade different than what we have now.
Centrism is just a clever way for two parties that have grown
virtually identical to pretend to be cooperating. It is a sham.

Things get done when great democrats such as Franklin
Delano Roosevelt take charge and create the New Deal.

Things happen when great republicans such as Abraham
Lincoln (a political liberal) sign the Emancipation Proclamation.
Centrism is not a new political movement, it is just a new name
for the same old political stagnation.

But I will make this promise: if anything concrete starts
happening in this country because of centrism, I will be
the first person to sign on. If all these years of right-wing vs.
left-wing politics has merely been a prelude to the great
awakening that is centrism, I will proudly sign up for a spot
in the new renaissance and write column after column singing
the praises of centrism.

Somehow, I think I will not be getting writer's cramp any
time soon..

Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council
Bluffs. He is opinion editor of the Daily. He likes his politics
left and his lovin' done right.

How "1984" really applies to our lives

I've said it for years that the most insidious way in which
George Orwell's "1984" applies to our daily lives isn't in
the violations of our privacy through technology. That's
old school. No, it's through the use of social engineering
that our government fucks with us. Creating an enemy
in order to keep Americans from thinking too much about
how they SHOULD be trying to improve their own lives,
monitoring their own government and working on
eliminating social ills at home.

"On Fear, Lizard Brains, and 1984" by Arianna
Huffington reflects my sentiments on this issue. So not
only is she hot, she's smart, too. Hard to believe I used
to think she was a nauseating conservative. She is a
mystery to me in some ways, but for now I'm content
to take her at her word.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Hey, did you see the Olympics last night?

Yeah, me neither. I totally respect the Olympics
as an ideal, but in the actual watching of it ... not
so much. I can't seem to get myself to tune into
four douchebags snowboarding as an Olympic
event. It seems more like something four drunk
frat boys would do. Why not hand out Olympic
gold for the person who can do the biggest beer
bong in Torino? Makes about as much sense. How
about an Olympic fattening team? Then I could win
me a medal. Though with my luck, I'd only get a bronze.

Bronze is a bitch metal, man, it's practically an insult.

Cheney Accidentally Shoots Fellow Hunter

Right. Sure. It was an accident. Cheney was no
doubt reenacting one of his favorite scenes from
"Planet of the Apes" when things got a little too real.
That kind of shit happens when you're hunting people
for sport.

God damn you, Dick Cheney. God ... damn you all to hell!

The Future Begins Tomorrow

I had a prof in college who was really big into sci fi. She was pretty much shunned by the straight literary canon types for believing that science fiction was worthy of study. Not just the classics like H.G. Wells, but the pulp fiction types who wrote simply to entertain and weren't looking into deeper social issues. That's a big no-no in serious literature circles.

Now, I love my science fiction. Have since I was a kid. I've read pretty much all the classics from Herbert to Asimov. If there is a science fiction movie that must be seen then I must have already seen it. "Star Trek" rocks my world. "The Twilight Zone," "The Outer Limits," "Dr. Who," "Blake's 7" and more are staples of my video collection. But as much as I love science fiction, I'd be hard-pressed to justify the entire genre as worthy of serious discussion. The Foundation Trilogy was a good read, but what exactly could be say about it critically? What does it say about the human condition?

Frank Herbert's "Dune" series is a brilliantly entertaining read, but you can't dissect it and look at the many levls of meaning because they aren't there. "Ooh, wasn't it cool when Maud D'ib learned to ride the giant worms?" isn't someting that should be said in a graduate seminar.

With that said, Vonnegut's work, Orwell's "1984," and Huxley's "Brave New World" are perfect examples of what science fiction can be: futurism. Novels that says something about the world at hand by looking into an extrapolated future. It can be serious, ridiculous, frightening or fantastic, but it must make us question ourselves. Otherwise,it's just mental masturbastion.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

The Rat and the Dingle

For two years I had a lovely pet rat named Matilda. We did everything together. We ate together and took our baths together. At night, we would crawl around the Ames, IA sewer system fighting crimes.

Contrary to popular belief, rats are extrememly clean creatures and they make excellent pets. They are friendly and loyal. They bond like dogs and play like most other mammals. The only drawback with having a rat for a pet is that they are always wanting to chew on stuff and they love to horde food and hide it in the couch cushions. Which leads me to the time I as sitting on the couch at Century Apartments not doing much of anything, just watching a little afternoon TV with my lovely lady ratgirl on my lap. My roommate, Kirk, was sitting in the great purple lounger turned away from me...that would be his undoing.

I was oblivious, relaxed. Not a care in the world. When suddenly I felt a sharp pinch right on the very tip of penis, I mean right on the meatus (the little hole the pee comes from). Well like any macho stud my first reaction was to scream like I had been pole-axed. Loud and primal. AAAAUUGGGHH!!!!!!

I stood bolt upright, fast as hell because it had not occurred to me that my trusting pet would violate me in such a violent fashion. Kirk spun around so fast I thought he would need a chiropractor to untwist his spinal column. His fingers were dug into the arms of the grungey purple chair, his knuckles white with fear. His face was contorted with terror. His eyes were bulging in dread of the unknown. The poor bastard thought I had snapped. He always knew it could happen and now he was sure. He must have thought I was going to stick the coffee table through his head.

"She bit me! Right on the DICK!" Kirk lost it. He was so releaved to know I wasn't going crazy that the nervous tension bled straight into a laughing fit. Especially when it was revealed that Matilda had vanished. I thought that maybe I had jumped up so fast that in my surprise had thrown her across the room and that we would find her smashed between the fridge and the stove. Then I saw two little black eyes over a pointy nose peaking out from between two of the couch cushions. I never saw anything move that fast in my life. I scared her more than she scared me. I am sure that she had no idea that her salty treat was going to react that way.

Matt the Necrophiliac

One of the most wicked bastards I ever knew
was a 6’2”, blonde blue-eyed piece of meat
named Matt. He is not significant in my life
except that he was the first person I ever
really knew who got away with things because
of he had “sweet” eyes and blonde hair that
fooled everyone I knew except my mother.
Matt was the kind of guy who would jerk off
in your house just to tell people he did it.

Matt once asked me if I were driving down
the highway and came across a car wreck
and found Cheryl Ladd freshly dead but not
all mangled and stuff, would I have sex with
her? What kind of shit is this, I asked myself.
Of course, out loud I simply said “no, probably
not.” You never know when you are a teenage
boy if you are on the outside looking in or really
the sane one. Better to play it safe.

I recoiled in horror from the very idea of necrophilia
as any decent human being would, but Matt said he
would do it. Enthusiastically even. “C’mon man,
sure you would, it’s CHERYL LADD! When are guys
like us ever gonna get a chance to have sex with a
famous movie star like that?”

And in his mind, he was a real altar boy.

The Good, the Bad, the Boring

You ask the average
person what they think
of themselves and they
will tell you without
hesitation they are not
evil. Oh, they might not
like everything about
themselves -- the way
they look, their personality,
how their nose whistles
when it’s clogged -- but
they usually will not think
of themselves as all that bad.
Of course, I refer to the
average person, not one
obsessed with TRYING to be as bad as possible. Those
people deviate from the norm a bit too much to fit into the
category of vastly generalized humanity.

Even those fucked up souls will generally see themselves
as a ray of light when hard-pressed. And when interrogated,
we find out that trying to be bad and seeing one’s self as
evil are really just self-loathing and abuse.

You take Hitler, sit him down with Barbara Walters and
he will look you right in the eye and with a straight face,
tell you he thinks of himself as a quiet, stay-at-home sort
of guy who likes dogs because no one, not even the most
evil man in history, thinks he is evil.

And maybe most of us are right. Maybe no matter what
kind of heinous shit we perpetrate, good and evil just don’t
enter into how we see outselves. We see ourselves as trying
to survive, working out issues, fighting temptation, doing
what's right for our people, defending ourselves.

Put enough time and cultural spin on anybody’s biography
and they become heroes or villains. Alexander the Great
conquered 80 percent of the known world in his time, killed
thousands of people and laid waste to great big portions of
the planet and yet he is remembered as basically the greatest
stud of western civilization. Even people who hate homosexuals
will do backflips to keep him in the same category with all the
other greatest men in human history.

In their time, the Romans killed more people than Hitler ever
dreamed of, enslaved entire races, invented about 27 brands
of perversion never before seen by man or god, popularized
blood sports not to mention matricide, patricide, regicide,
fratricide, infanticide, suicide, homicide and crucifixion to
unheard of levels. They killed Jesus, but they gave us indoor
plumbing so we forgive them.

Friday, February 10, 2006

The Bitch is Back!

Just got meself hooked back up to the IntraWeb
today. The only way I am ever going to get any
writing done, I figured, was to get back online at
home so that I can sit here like a squid in constant
contact with me mates, me blog, me bittorrents an
whatnot. So for those of you who have been complaining
that I don't update my blog often enough I say, stop
your bitching (and thanks for the kick in the ass).

The title to this post was inspired by a guy I knew
at Iowa State who made me realize just how far I
was willing to go to prove to myself that I was a cool
hip modern froog. You see, I've been down with the
Rainbow Revolution since 1986 ... way before it was
hip and metrosexual. I used to go to gay rights rallies
on campus back when there were only about 10 people
who show up to be ridiculed by passersby. I realized
even back then that gay rights were the new civil rights
issue of the 21st century. Even so, I remember being a
it freaked out watching two dudes kiss at the rally.
Nowadays, I'd kiss a dude just to prove that I am
comfortable with my masculinity.

So when Tom the big drama queen began trying to
push the envelope by demonstrating to me on the
floor of my dorm room how he jerked off by shoving
the end of an umbrella up his ass, I figured I had to
let him. After all, I didn't want to come off like a hick.

Tom made even the stereotypical flamer look like
John Wayne in "The Quiet Man." He couldn't just
walk into a room and get to work. Oh no. He had
to make an entrance like anybody actually gave a
fuck. "The bitch is back," he'd announce to the
newsroom like he was Bette Davis instead of a
32-year-old grad student from Sioux City.

I eventually realized that if Tom were straight, I'd
fucking hate him. So why was it wrong to hate him
because he was gay? I hated the way he acted straight,
gay or asexual.

So one day he went on a complete bitch ass tear when
I had a terrible case of bronchitis and was trying to get
to the grocery store with 12 inches of snow on the ground
and 70 below temps outside. He was bitching up a storm
about some bad headline in the newspaper written by
some 20 year old kid who was in a hurry. I politely told
him I wasn't in the mood for it because I was sick but he
didn't heed my warning. So I went off on him. "This
conversation is over," I said. "What's that supposed to
mean," he asked. "It means fuck off and leave me alone.
I told you I was really fucking sick, you self-centered
asshole." He got the message, but we never spoke again.
I feel kind of bad that I wasn't able to get my point across
more firmly without snapping, but God damn, some people
are just too preoccupied with their own damn issues to have
a bit of pity. They deserve what they get.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The One

There is this new girl at work who has an accent just like Salma Hayek. That's just mad hot, dude. She seems pretty cute. I say "seems" because any woman is going seem cute if she is the only offering in a room full of geeks. No offense to the ladies, but nature definitely works to your advantage on that score. Let's face it, straight men will fuck men when there are no women around. Pieces of furniture, meat, animals. So... make of that what you will.

Your mouth is an immature orifice

I work with this guy Sean. Sean is a huge asshole. Every time I talk about making a good quick Italian meal by sauteeing a few onions, some garlic and clams into a fine sauce, he cracks on it because he can't stand seafood. I can see appreciate if a guy don't like seafood. But the vast majority of humanity does. Therefore, one has to admit the legitimacy of seafood. At least have the minimal brain power to acknowldge that you are the effin' minority, Dickhead, and that you have the pallate of a child, bitch.

Mussels, clams, shrimp, oysters, fish of all kinds rock ... fuck yeah!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

You Know Who You Are

Christian dogma aside, the world would be a much better place if more people just had the guts to kill themselves. Life is shit for most people. And because there are so many people with shitty lives running around accepting their lot all over the place, everyone's quality of life suffers on average. There are so many people putting up with so much shit out there that anyone who doesn't put up with shit (a REAL man's natural inclination) is viewed as some kind of flesy headed mutant, easily disposed of and disregarded.

So face the inevitable, people. Take stock. Do what you know must be done ... for the good of the race.

Ah mona call mah baby Bloggie Sue

Talked to a lady named Etna Mae tonight. I'm pretty sure she was named after the insurance, which takes it's name from the volcanic mountain in Sicily. It's the fabled home of Vulcan (Hephaestus in Greek). I'm not sure what to think of this one. There is a fine line between naming your kid something unusual/cool and something unusual/fucking stupid. Cher isn't bad. Chair pronounced "Cher" is stupid. Portia is cool. Porsche is not. Mercedes is sweet. Lexus ... not so much. Cheyenne is a barely acceptable name for a hayseed girl. ShyAnne ... somebody needs horse-whipped.

My sister came dangerously close to naming my nephew Jaime (pronounced Jamie). I told her that name is Spanish and it's pronounced Hi-may. Name him James and call him Jamie if you must, but give the kid options, I said. For the love of God, people, you are naming a human being not a dog. Name your baby like you have a hope in hell it's gonna make it to 18 and will one day need the respect of it's freakin' peers.

I went to school with a Sam (not Samuel), a Rick (not Richard), a Dave (not David, if you can believe that) and a Steven (not Steven). Thank God my mom gave me a man's name and didn't call me Gregalan or something stupid like that.

To all the children of the world saddled with bad monikers, make up your own name and let your parents know they screwed up and that you will not stand for it.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Less Desirable?

My buddy Mark's mother's funeral went pretty good until the pastor talked about how even when some of Mark's "less desirable" friends came to the house, his mom would always welcome them in. The day before, Mark told me he told the pastor about the first time I came to the house and Linda said "Mark there's some boy at the door wearing a trench coat!" He said, "Mom, it IS winter." Then she let me in.
It was a woolen overcoat and probably the nicest coat I've ever owned by the way.
That's gotta be the first time I've been insulted from the pulpit.
Meanwhile, Mark's buddy Bob was not onlly buying her son alcohol but at a profit as well and she thought he was a fuckin angel ... the bastard.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

fiery the angels fell

deep thunder rolled around their shores
burning with the fires of Orc