The Rat and the Dingle

For two years I had a lovely pet rat named Matilda. We did everything together. We ate together and took our baths together. At night, we would crawl around the Ames, IA sewer system fighting crimes.

Contrary to popular belief, rats are extrememly clean creatures and they make excellent pets. They are friendly and loyal. They bond like dogs and play like most other mammals. The only drawback with having a rat for a pet is that they are always wanting to chew on stuff and they love to horde food and hide it in the couch cushions. Which leads me to the time I as sitting on the couch at Century Apartments not doing much of anything, just watching a little afternoon TV with my lovely lady ratgirl on my lap. My roommate, Kirk, was sitting in the great purple lounger turned away from me...that would be his undoing.

I was oblivious, relaxed. Not a care in the world. When suddenly I felt a sharp pinch right on the very tip of penis, I mean right on the meatus (the little hole the pee comes from). Well like any macho stud my first reaction was to scream like I had been pole-axed. Loud and primal. AAAAUUGGGHH!!!!!!

I stood bolt upright, fast as hell because it had not occurred to me that my trusting pet would violate me in such a violent fashion. Kirk spun around so fast I thought he would need a chiropractor to untwist his spinal column. His fingers were dug into the arms of the grungey purple chair, his knuckles white with fear. His face was contorted with terror. His eyes were bulging in dread of the unknown. The poor bastard thought I had snapped. He always knew it could happen and now he was sure. He must have thought I was going to stick the coffee table through his head.

"She bit me! Right on the DICK!" Kirk lost it. He was so releaved to know I wasn't going crazy that the nervous tension bled straight into a laughing fit. Especially when it was revealed that Matilda had vanished. I thought that maybe I had jumped up so fast that in my surprise had thrown her across the room and that we would find her smashed between the fridge and the stove. Then I saw two little black eyes over a pointy nose peaking out from between two of the couch cushions. I never saw anything move that fast in my life. I scared her more than she scared me. I am sure that she had no idea that her salty treat was going to react that way.