If you're like me, and I know I am...

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Keep it to yourself

I'm not a big fan of pious people. Oh sure, there are some genuinely holy people out there but I guarantee you don't KNOW any of them. Tuly pious people don't shove it in your face like they're the centerpiece of a hardcore flick and you're the 16 year old with a fake ID fresh off the bus from Idaho.
There are so many people who like to put themselves out there are the example we should all follow when if they really wanted to do others a favor, they'd put themselves out there as an example of how NOT to be. But even those people like us all to kiss their ass. Of course it's tempting but it isn't exactly the righteous spiritual path to take is it?

God has spoken to me

No joking, I think I've been getting messages from the Lord through a few of his messegers Susan Church (friend's mom) and Jason Taylor (fellow ISU playwright). First, SC caught up with me outside a Hy-Vee in CB and talked to me for about 30 minutes on God, the Universe and man's place in all of this. She suggested I had a calling as a preacher and something in me got all warm at the notion. But still I thought maybe that wasn't the right path even though I have spoken to at least one church before.
Then like a bolt out of the blue, JT emails me and says he's been working as a Christian speaker and comedian at churches and other events. Basically, he gets to do his writing and read it to captive audiences. He has more guts than  I do however.
But isn't this a logical step?
Now I just need a woman to take care of me while I pursue my dream.

Don't believe the hype

From the desk of Dr. Tyler Uetz:

My dear friends,

I want to take a moment to talk with you about a group of people who are out there spreading a message of evil and ignorance. I will refer to this group as the "bowls of fuck" or BOF. The BOF are outraged you see because Bob Dylan has reached an agreement to release "Bob Dylan: Live at the Gaslight, 1962." Excited? So am I. But here's the deal, it's being released exclusively at Starbucks. Kind of a pain in the ass? Maybe. But I'll deal with it. Not the BOF, though; no, they have decided to raise hell about this. The BOF believe that Bob has really sold out this time. He's doing us all a great disservice. He's obviously no longer the anti-establishment king for these lost masses. (You can read more on the BOF point of view at http://www.commondreams.org/headlines05/0629-03.htm)

Here's my message to the BOF: Go fuck yourselves! What have you ever contributed to the world? Where is your gift to the people of the universe? When was the last time you produced anything that caused millions of people to sit back and reconsider? Why is Bob Dylan releasing a cd at Starbucks more important to you than the fact that our government lied to us and kids are dying everyday because of it? Seems to me that there once was an anti-establishment singer who sang about governments doing that sort of shit. What was his name? Oh god, it's on the tip of my tongue. Oh yeah, BOB DYLAN. They are called priorities, BOF. Look into them. And by the way, have you ever thought about who else you are supporting when you buy those killer reissues of Bob albums? Ever hear of Columbia Records? So to recap, my BOF lovelies:
1. Fuck yourselves.
2. There are people out there who are truly evil and need to be exposed.
3. They are called priorities.
4. Here are some other suggestions for issues you may want to take on in lieu of this sadly misguided and amazingly stupid concern:
a. there are millions of children without health care in this country
b. there are millions of people without jobs in this country
c. our country is in a horrible and misguided war and thousands of America's young
and tens of thousands of of Iraqi children (and of course this ignores adults, you can
add that up on your own.) are dying.
d. we live in a country that produces an amazing amount of waste which
threatens the safety and stability of future generations. Very realistic alternatives
are being ignored by the powers that be.
e. corporations have a stranglehold on our government and our democracy;
the everyday people who are supposed to be the owners of this country are
discounted and ignored - some of you could perhaps start working on ways to
combat that.
f. every day families receive what are called "predatory loans." These loans are made
to trap families so that no other lender can get the family's business. They make the
company a lot of money. And you know where they get the money to make these
loans? They get it from investment firms using our retirment accounts.
g. family farmers all over the world are being pushed off their land or relegated to serfs
by the corporate takeover of the agricultural industry and the world's food
system. this also means that anyone who eats food (perhaps that doesn't include
you) now is forced to support a very small number of multinational corporations who
own everything from the seeds and animals to the trucks that deliver the food
to the store and everything in between.

These are just a few suggestions for issues on which you could focus and perhpas might do more to make the world a better place. Leave Bob the fuck alone.

That's what I will say to any BOF I encounter. And I encourage all of you to do the same. Personally I hope Bob does another Victoria's Secret commercial. And I hope he slaps a big fucking Miller High Life sticker on his cowboy hat.


Dr Tyler Uetz

Thursday, June 23, 2005

All You Zombies

Have you ever noticed how most people
you meet don't really listen so much as
they just wait for their turn to talk? It doesn't
matter if anyone gives a fuck what they are
talking about or not, they just have to say it.
I've been sitting with this guy in class who has
now told me three times about how he has his
own router in his house and his gets on the
Internet wirelessly! Yippiee Skippy, Bitch!
I didn't find it fascinating the first time. The second
time, les so. The third time I told him, "I know,
you already told me about this."

Meanwhile, I could be answering someone's
question put directly to me and they can't be bothered
listen to the answer. I've noticed this a lot more in the
last few years. Attention spans are shorter, people are
over-stimulated and boring as fuck themselves. I think
we might actually need a good war to traumatize the
shit out of this nation of zombies. Maybe people would
be a little more attentive if they thought that at any moment
they wer about to have the vast wasteland of their blighted
imaginations sodomized.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Save PBS and NPR

IF you're like me — and I know I am — then PBS and NPR have meant
a great deal to you and still do. As a kid, I'd've gone nuts living in the sticks
without anything more mind nourishing to watch than "Three's Company."
I grew up watching "Dr. Who,""Masterpiece Theater," "Mystery," and lots more
including local state programs, something you really don't get with the local
network affiliates. So copy this message below the line, paste it into an email, add your name to it and send it out to as many people as you can get your hands on. Eventually, it will be mailed to the address highlighted below.


On NPR's Morning Edition, Nina Tottenberg announced that if the Supreme
Court supports Congress, it will, in effect, be the end of the National
Public Radio (NPR), National Endowment for the Arts (NEA), and the Public
Broadcasting System (PBS). PBS, NPR and the arts are facing major cutbacks
in funding. In spite of the efforts of each station to reduce spending
costs and streamline their services, some government officials believe
that the funding currently going to these programs is too large a portion
of funding for something which is seen as not worthwhile.

This is for anyone who thinks NPR/PBS is a worthwhile expenditure of
$1.12/year of their taxes. The only way that our representatives can be
aware of the base of support for PBS and funding for these types of
programs is by making our voices heard. Please add your name to this list
and forward it to friends who believe in what this stands for. This list
will be forwarded to the President and the Vice President of the United
States. This petition is being passed around the Internet. Please add your
name to it so that funding can be maintained for NPR, PBS, and the NEA.

HOW TO SIGN: IT'S EASY: First SELECT all of the text in this message, then
COPY and PASTE it into a new email (DO NOT FORWARD). ADD your name to the
bottom of the list and SEND it to everyone in your list. DON'T WORRY ABOUT
DUPLICATES. This is being sent to several people at once to add their
names to the petition. It won't matter if many people receive the same
list as THE NAMES ARE BEING MANAGED. If you decide not to sign, please
don't kill it. Send it to the email address listed here:

If you happen to be the 150th, 200th, 250th,
etc., signer of this petition, please forward a copy to the above address.
This way we can keep track of the lists and organize them. Send this to
everyone you know, and help us to keep these programs alive.

Thank you!

Judith Ruderman

Vice Provost for Academic and Administrative Services 220 Allen, Box
90005, Duke University (919) 684-3296 (phone) (919) 684-4421 (fax)

1. Greg Jerrett Council Bluffs, Iowa


Sorry I've been away for a couple of days. Hopefully no one
has died of boredom without the constant borage of my ranting.
Who is Bill Carpenter? Shoot me an e-mail, you've got me curious.
Why is it you can come here every morning between 8 and 9 but you can't
answer your phone?
My old counselor and good friend, Dave H., the man who saved my life
back in 95 or so, has come down with eye cancer. It is incurable and I
am inconsolable. He is right up there with my high school Latin teacher with
men who have influenced my life.

People are pigs

Life really is pretty funny in a horrible, teeth-grinding sort of way.
I mean, people are not so much good or bad as they are pigs.
Lazy, unkind, judgmental, elitist, stupid pigs who think that just
because they wear a bit of perfume or shop at Old Navy that they
are better than the other pigs who shop at Wal-Mart. Frankly, I find it
difficult to keep morale up. I can't say that I am really any better than
anyone else except that I admit that I am a pig like everyone else and
feel genuinely bad about. Most pigs I know ... if they spent a fraction of
the time they spend denying that they ARE pigs at actuallly trying to
NOT be pigs, they might actually get somewhere.

Friday, June 17, 2005

RHSSVB Stephanie update

I just got word that Red-Headed Soul-Sucking
Vampire Bitch Stephanie has been making sure
everyone knows about the post on this blog
concerning her poor behavior THUS confirming
once more what a pathetic, attention seeking
emotional cripple she really is. What kind of
sad sad woman tells people to check out a site
in which it is revealed every detail of just how
sad she is?

It's all true, of course, every word of it. It all
has that special ring of truth to boot. I don't write
lies. Lies don't fascinate me much. Lies are boring.
The truth is weird and fascinating enough for anybody.

But the truth is RHSSVB S is not special. She isn't even
the first RHSSVB I've written about. I wasn't even going
to write about her second, but I got a special request to
do her next. No, I'd've gotten around to her maybe fourth.
So even in the world of pathetic freaks she's second rate.
If her husband hadn't felt the need to try and respond, I'd've
forgotten about that post like so many others I've written
only to come across later and go "hmmm, I must've been in
a mood, but that is so dead on."

When I do the chapter on RRSSVB's in my upcoming book,
ALL THE BITCHES I HATE, she will probably make a footnote...
a tiny little footnote right next to that cow that once kicked me
in the head when I worked on the dairy farm back in '83. She
didn't have any kind of name that mattered either.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Dr. Who going strong ... again

If I haven't mentioned it, the new 2005 version of
"Dr. Who" featuring Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor
rocks pretty hard. I got to see it through means not entirely
pristine. After all, it is only available on the BBC and I'm a
yank, but I hardly think anyone could deny that as a fan
of this show since 1981, I am entitled to some leeway.

Even my sci fi buddies don't dig on Who. They like "Star
Trek" and "Star Wars" and comics and just about
everything else that has come down the pike since sci fi
was born but they'd be god damned if they will watch
"Dr. Who." They find it boring and childish. Maybe it is.
But then tell me watching Capt. Kirk and Spock isn't a bit
on the childish side. Who makes me feel like a kid again.

I started watching it when my parents were getting
divorced and I just latched onto it. The first episode I ever
saw was "Planet of Evil." Tom Baker was teh Docotor and
Elizabeth Sladen was Sarah Jane Smith. It was weird and wild.
I couldn't quite figure it out since I started in the middle.
Just as I was catching on, these two walk into a big blue box and
it disappears and I was all like, "What the hell was that?"

I've never looked back. I did get all confused again when
the Doctor fell to his death a few years later. The episodes just
stopped coming and I felt like I'd lost my best friend. Of course,
there wasn't anyone I could talk to about it. After all, it was just
a TV show on PBS and I didn't know anyone who watched it.

What I liked most about Dr. Who was the very straight forward,
anti-violence, use-your-head mentality of the thing. It encouraged
me to help stranded motorists, ask strangers if they needed help
whenever I could and try to stay cheerful when I was depressed.

Check out Outpost Gallifrey for news if you are so inlcined.

Chris Pirillo of Cyberspace

I was reading a very interesting article on Chris Pirillo,
the cult blogger geek celeb whose name is practically
synonymous with blogging, at the Seattle Times. It is
said he spends a much of his life online like some kind
of William Gibson, cyberpunk, quasi-religious figure.

I wonder what he thinks of my blog?

Also, am I the only one who finds it queer that the
Blogger spellcheck doesn't have blogger, blog or
blogging in its dictionary?

Most recent searches to get here

I actually scored on top. About freakin' time.

25.93% greg jerrett
14.81% greg jerrett website
11.11% giada delaurentiis
7.41% spqr tattoo
3.70% greg jerrett blog
3.70% pictures of wresler chyna
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3.70% appalonia and prince
3.70% larry's links: economics extra credit assignment answer key

Space Ghost cooler than ever

Check it out!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Schiavo was not going to recover

Terry Schiavo's autopsy shows that the poor woman's
brain weighed about half as much as a normal human
brain. This amount of damage makes it absolutely
impossible for her to have ever recovered. It suggests
quite clearly that her ex-husband's position on her
medical condition was correct. It also suggest that
his moral position was a little less muddy than many
people have tried to suggest.

You know, it's a damn shame when anyone has to
die or suffer, but it does not live up to the status of
tragedy every single time. That in and of itself might
be another kind of tragedy, but it isn't a tragedy by the
classic definition of the word tragedy.

Going up to the spirit in the sky

In the time I have been in Carroll — roughly

three months, though it seems longer than

that — I have noticed a great many things

about this community. Well, not so much

a great many things as a few things over

and over again.

One is that everybody knows everybody

else and if they don’t know you, they get

this expression on their faces like “I wonder

who that is and what they are doing here.

I also hope they are not going to do crimes.”

Things seem to get done the way they

have always been done. I doubt that anyone

in the various administrative capacities in

the city, and county et al are bad people or

hiding anything. Quite the contrary. It’s

just easier to get things done when talk

about them outside a meeting and get the

public vote over quickly. No one likes to

be watched while they work, it’s unnerving,

but then democracy is funny that way.

Religion seems to be a pretty important aspect

of daily life. Not in its actual practice, mind

you, otherwise we’d see a lot of asceticism and

flagellation in the streets. But the institutions

are all over. You’ve got Catholic schools, churches

of all stripes and, when I’ve gotten the chance to

chat with folks, service to our Lord seems to be a

primary reason for doing just about everything

from starting a Relay for Life team to building

houses for Habitat for Humanity. Religion is as

good of a reason as any to do good things, I’ve

always said.

As for myself, I wasn’t in town for more than

a week before I started getting letters asking

me to join various churches. Now, set aside

for the moment that my name isn’t in the

phone book and very few people knew I was

new to town, I wonder how my name got

bandied about to so many people so quickly. I

doubt God gave my address out to anyone.

That’s OK though, it’s not a sin to advertise.

I appreciate the invitation, but if I wasn’t a

Lutheran or a Catholic or an Evangelical before

I got to Carroll, what makes anyone think that

a letter in my mailbox was bound to convert

me? I have to wonder how many people this

actually works on?

“Hmm, what’s this? A letter from the local

Lutherans inviting me to come join them.

Well, that’s nice. I was Jewish, but I think

I’ll give Jesus a chance thanks to this more or

less randomly-issued invitation.”

Don’t get me wrong; it was a nice gesture,

but what if I had been a whacko? Sending

out invites to people you don’t know is a good

way to get all kinds of psychos packing the

pews on Sundays. I think Jesus can afford to

be more particular.

Though it might rankle a bit, I doubt God

really cares what church you go to since

church going and organized religion was not

really the point of all that good stuff Jesus

said. He just wanted us to live our lives by

his example.

One of my favorite passages is:
“And when thou prayest, thou shalt not

be as the hyprocrites are: for they love

to pray standing in the synagogues and

in the corners of the streets, that they

may be seen of men. Verily I say unto

you, They have their reward. But thou,

when thou prayest, enter into thy closet,

and when thou hast shut thy door, pray

to thy Father which is in secret; and

thy Father which seeth in secret shall

reward thee openly.” (Matthew 6:5-6)

It’s all about keeping vanity in check

and doing good for sake of doing good.

And whatever that reward is.

I, like so many other people, like the

idea of living by Jesus Christ’s example,

but are we really doing that? What does

it take to be a good person? A Godly

person? A wise person? Just, kind,

sympathetic? Is trying good enough?

What would Jesus do here?

I think the best reason to go to church

is to meet people, find a spouse, sign up

for charity work and hear a good sermon

once in a while. And that’s OK. But for a

truly spiritual experience, one rooted in

seriously deep religious experience, a life-

changing experience can one do that in

Carroll or even the United States these

days? We like things kind of narrowly

defined and boring. Not out movies.

There we like things exploding on the

screen. Even “The Passion of the Christ”

was a bit of a special effects flick.

Spiritual growth, like that of a good plant,

requires a bit of room for the roots to grow,

doesn’t it? You can’t expect a palm to

thrive in an 8-inch container, can you? So

how can you expect the soul of man to do

the same? Like that palm or any living

thing, the soul needs nourishment. It needs

sustenance, security and a good quality

fertilizer. For the soul, I think a good quality

fertilizer is good conversation, challenges,

ideas, and good works. Human beings need

to know they aren’t fenced in physically,

emotionally and, yes, spiritually.

Jesus was a thinker. Probably he was. We

can’t be totally sure, but let’s just go with

what we have been told because the man

and the legend are one today. Jesus was

one man whose ideas were so radical for

his time that even though he was killed

at 33, his words lived on for nearly 2,000

years after him. I don’t doubt that they

have been modified a bit, translations being

what they are, but the gist is still there.

I like that. Jesus said love one another,

be kind, turn the other cheek, be meek,

seek not the things of this earth. How cool

is that? And today, here in Carroll, we can

still abide by his words and live as he lived,

can’t we?

In another 1,000 years, we will all be dust,

but just by having been a part of this great

Judeo-Christian trial period, we will be a part

of history that shall never fade.

Welcome crazy red-headed soul-sucking vampire bitches and spouses

For those who don't know, I don't have long for this earth. With no money for meds, it's highly likely that I am going to die. I'd rather not dwindle. It's better to burn out than to fade away, so to the player haters in the growing audience, take this as word of caution. I've got time on my hands, no meds, a legacy to consider and the shorter time gets the less incined I am to be fucked with.


It's touching that you come here 10 times a day to see what new attention has been paid to you and your spouses.

Understand one thing, I'm merely on the defensive. I'd ignore all this if you don't want the hassle. But I will keep writing on this and other subjects. I've got a lot more crazy freaks to write about, this isn't a site dedicated to one person.

But you keep coming back. I've checked the stats. I see how often you read, what you read and what you leave. It's all attached to your home IP.

You know her bahavior. Her ambitions are vague and infrequent, unfocused but occasionally obsessive. You know for a fact that she's screwed a lot of bosses in the past just for any tiny advantage it might bring her. You have to believe deep down that she'd do it all over again. So when she got her "promotion," did you wonder a bit what she might have done to get it? And even if she didn't suck a schlong or get done roughly from behind while bending over a chair in some manager's office with her skirt over her head, and I'm not saying that DIDN'T happen, you will always suspect that she did or will.

Marriage is built on trust and respect and love. How can you respect a woman who presents a different face to every person she's ever met or worked with? How can you respect anyone who would tell a guy she works with all the things she's put in her vagina on request just to titillate?
And for what? Design advice that is readily available. She could have READ A BOOK.

And trust? No one gets accidentally knocked up twice my man, noboday. "Well, I guess we better get married." That's how you "proposed" isn't it? After she told you she was pregnant again. Did she try to pass off this miracle as the overwhelming power of your love? Because we all know that's bullshit. A man with a decent salary was all you were and you could have been anybody.

Like I said, this is all defensive. I was put out, I was attacked and this is just a modicum of self-respect reasserting itself.

Remember, I'm probably gonna die before too god damn long, I don't believe in hell. I got nothing to lose that wasn't gone the day I was born, baby, so a word of advice:

Don't fuck with me.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Jacko gets off, promises no more sleeping with boys

Well, apparently Michael Jackson isn't guilty of the charges he was facing. Good for him, but we all know he's guilty of something. Even if he never so much as jerked a kid off, he was cavorting in an unseemly fashion with minors. I mean, avoid the appearance of wrong-doing, will ya?

Apparently, that's the next step. Michael's lawyers have said he won't be sleeping in the same beds with boys any more. Well gosh, that's a great first step, ain't it?

In this day and age, I don't like to be left alone with ANYBODY. It's not that I am a molester, it's just because people are crazy as fuck and who knows who will make some shit up about you later on. I've met women who have lied about being raped. I worked with TWO of them. One was even the subject of a criminal investigation after she claimed four black men abducted her in broad daylight from the middle of the Iowa State campus. I've met plenty of other people who operate in a similar vein though perhaps not to the same extreme. Women are always making up shit about other people, especially other women, which is why a lot of women don't even like to work with other women.

When I went to a Iowa Press Women's Ass. meeting, one woman said she wished she worked in an office full of men and many of the women present agreed. I figured why the hell should I put up with it then?

Still, I think that if the jury found Michael not guilty, then at the very least, his accusers just didn't have enough on him, but he might well not have done anything. But man, you should be smarter than to put yourself in a situation where people have very good reason to talk.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Red-headed soul-suckin vampire bitch Stephanie w/new stuff

Red-headed soul-sucking vampire bitch no. 2 is the long-awaited
and much requested, Stephanie Ogren.

In short, Stephanie is one of those small town whores who did
her best to get out of Shenandoah, Iowa as fast as she could.
This meant fucking a lot of middle managenet types, some right
on their desks in the office. Others were simply blown. For some,
she would just stick things in her vagina as they requested

I know these things because when I worked with Stephanie at the
Daily Nonpareil, she told me all about them. Like most daddy issues,
Stephanie had a great desire to see if she could manipulate men with
her 'sexuality.' This meant that most of the time when she would
come over to my desk to talk to me, she had to have one hand on her
stomach slowly raising her shirt to reveal some fleshy stomach, arching
back, pursing her lips a lot and sticking her boobs out as far as she could.
She also had just about the foulest mouth I've ever heard. That kind of thing
isn't too kosher on men, it's even less so on women in the office.

Stephanie didn't give two shits about me as a co-worker... not intitially.
She hooked her wagon to anybody's star and when I started she pretty much
treated me like the new fish using her limited powers of perception to dismiss
me as useless to her until I proved myself otherwise. She had herself hooked
up to some other dumb bitch, Julien Fielding, the weekend editor and player
hater who started writing a column after my success convinced her that
everyone would love her more than me. They didn't of course, so naturally
she hated me and because Stephanie was her toady, she hated me too.

Then JF quit and SO had to find someone else to leech off of. When I got there,
Stephanie had some rudimentary design skills. She could lay out a paper,
but it wasn't anything spectacular. She wouldn't even capitalize the second
word of a two word feature headline because "That wasn't AP style." Word to
the wise, AP would be the first to tell you they don't really have anything
to say about feature headlines and also their rules are just guidelines, not the law.
But being a dumb bitch who never went to college, she didn't know that or anything
else worth repeating.

In short, she was and is a dullard and a slut. I feel sorry for her children, both of whom
were conceived in an attempt to trap her husband who wasn't smart enough
to run like hell after the first bastard was born. "Well, I guess we better get
married" is what Stephanie told me he said after she announced she was
pregnant for the second time. Hmmm, how'd that happen? It's an old, old
story isn't? How to trap a man who makes decent money.

As a consequence, she has been extremely unhappy in her marriage. Her
husband, Corey, is squid who spends all day on the Internet. Occasinally,
he bothers her for anal. He doesn't pay any attention to his children, but
who could blame him. They are just a constant reminder of the hell his life
has become because he was tempted by the fruit of a slutty chick from the
sticks. He keeps bugging her for anal and she won't go for it, so she says, and
I had to hear about it because she thought she was turning me on and wrapping
me around her finger.

But like I was saying, she had only rudimentary skills in design, but she never
went to college like most editors who are worth a shit, so she wasn't going to get
much further in her career. She dearly wanted to be a news editor, but that wasn't
gonna happen because in addition to not having any people skills, she doesn't have
any editing skills. She can't write. And her personality is such that she has to create
drama around her at all time to feel like she is the center of attention.

Attempts to go from half-assed copy editor/paginator at the Nonpareil to News
Editor at the Omaha World Herald were rebuked as politely as they could be
considering she was incapable of seeing just how ridiculous her request was.
So in order to get a few extra skills, Stephanie leeched off of me as best she
could. She thought she was sexing me up with lame come ons and posing. I didn't
say anything, to her any way, but I pointed it out to everyone else so they could
have a good laugh at the leech as she "worked it" in front of the fat guy.

Push-up bras might be appropriate in strip clubs, but for the everyday place,
they are just not cool. Pretty much every single woman who worked at the
Nonpareil thought of her as a complete skank who would not only run around
wth her tits hanging out but would then go around and talk to all the women
about how awesome she thought her boobs looked. "Oh I can't believe how
everyone is staring at my boobs." Yeah, that's a real accomplishment, slag,
ever been to a dairy farm? Lots of people stare at a cows udders too
because they are haning out there. It's not so much a compliment as it is
incredulity. It's hard to believe that anyone could be so needful of attention, but
then when you ain't gettin' anything but repeated requests for ass sex from your
husband who is a dullard and boring as fuck in your estimation, you are bound to
look outside the marriage for satisfaction of one kind or another. If you can combine
you need for attention with your longing to move up in the work place, well you can
kill two birds with one slutty stone.

Stephanie had a real habit of stealing other people's ideas and the credit for those ideas.
It came as a real shock to her one day when I told her I wasn't giving her so much as
a headline idea until she stared sharing a little of the credit for the design advice I'd give her.
I swear, there were a couple of times when everything ona fucking page was put there at my
direction, the boss would say good looking page, and she'd say thanks right in front of me.
It was like pulling teeth to get her to say, thanks, but it was all Greg. That just reflects a complete lack of integrity.

There were plenty of times she would say, can you look at my page? Or I'm out of ideas, can you help me? A page designer should never run out of ideas, the story elements suggest ideas. How stupid would you have to be to not be able to come up with something? So you would see me standing right behind her going do this, put that there, go to this web site for idea, and basically giving her the short course in college design that I actually had to pay for.

A talented person would not have been concerned that I was going to cut them off,
but she decided to try and get me fired right there and then by telling the boss I was being
mean to her. Yeah, I guess it is mean of me not to give away the education I spent
thousands on.

In the Nonpareil's great tradition of promoting incompetence, they
made her design editor recently. I get updates from all sorts of
people inside the Nonpareil. You'd really be surprised at who
hates what, who and why there. It really is a sickening shithole
excuse of newspaper that exists merely to be bled dry by the
World Herald Company, which could give a shit less about
Council Bluffs, Iowa or journalism for all I can tell.

I've never seen a bigger star fucker in my life than Stephanie.
When I was asked by Z-92's Todd and Tyler to be on their show
to talk about the Huskers and why I hate them, she tried to horn
in on that action. Right. Like I'd take some skank to a rock radio
station so she could stick her tits in everybody's face and pretend
that everyone found her desperation charming? What excuse could
I possibly have to take a paginator to a radio talkshow?

Her fake laugh would make a cannibal puke.

She has lately pretended to convert to Christianity, but it's just another
excuse to make people pay attention to her. It isn't working unless by
"working" we mean making people hate her more and more with each
passing day. Her pastor can't even stand her. She kept bugging him for
advice until he gave her the old "pray and point to a passage in the Bible"
brush off. That old weeze.

I feel sorry for her kids. The old whore will no doubt drive them crazy.
When I made her mad by asserting my right to get credit for my work -
this was just a month or so after getting out of the hospital failure, by the
way - she told her kids to not talk to me. Now, I don't care so much,
because her kids are just as annoying as anyone else's, but if you're
gonna bring the shits into the office, don't imbue them with your
insanity. I only say hello to them to be polite, the least you could do
is not train them to be impolite because you're a disgusting ho-bag.

She bears many of the same psychological symptoms as untreated syphilis victims.

She writes a shitty column in the Nonpareil and yet tried to run for Council Bluffs School Board. This was the most ridiculous of all her attention grabbing schemes since 1) she only votes to "double" her husbands vote 2) doesn't keep up with any politics 3) had never been to a school board meeting and 4) is dumb as shit but 5) is a huge fucking conflict of interest. As a matter of fact, I emailed the ethcis expert at the Poynter Institute just to make sure I wasn't full of shit because no one around me seemed to get that an "editor" and "columnist" would have massive conflicts of interest in running for a public office.

She ran around the office getting signatures for her petition to get on the ballot and eventually, someone straightened her dumb ass out because she canceled her run. She claimed that he pastor suggested she get more experience first. Right. Her pastor is smart enough to know that her run for office would have been not only a conflict of interest, but a violation of Iowa election laws as well that could have gotten lots of people in trouble.

I'll have more so check back.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Good Night Anne

Poor Anne Bancroft. I always thought she was a
great beauty, even as she got older, she never really
lost her looks. I suspect that is because she had a
real inner beauty. Maybe it was combined with a shitload
of cosmetic surgery. That is not unheard of in Hollywood.
I'm not judging.

But what an actress. I enjoyed her in many
of her roles, but particularly as Annie Sullivan. She
really managed to capture the brilliance, patience
and compassion of one of America's greatest teachers.
It takes greatness to perform like that.

You know, every time someone we are all familiar
with dies, it diminishes us as a group for just a few
days and then we all go on with our lives as though
nothing ever happened. I supposed in the Zen sense
of things, nothing did and nothing ever will. Although in
the Western view of things, existence is a heavy burden
filled with angst and mourning and loss that grows and
grows until we just can't take it any more. Who's right?

The world may never know.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I [heart] Jason Taylor

Did I ever tell you about the man they called Jason Taylor?
He was a funny fuck. Founding member of Grandma Mojo's at
Iowa State, playwright, master of comedy. Now he's skulking
around the Internet leaving anonymous messages of praise
on this site. Some say Jason Taylor doesn't really have a
physical form any more. Some say he evolved beyond this
earthly realm like Lawnmower Man or some shit. Me? I'd
put even money that he's wandering the United States
like Shazam or the Hulk, getting into trouble, solving
people's troubles and then fucking off like a real
unsung hero. Wherefore art thou Jason? Don't leave
us hangin', baby! Send the word and I will publish
it right here.

Construction is inevitable, but does it have to be irrational?

For the better part of the last two months,
Highway 30 as it runs through Carroll has
been choked off with construction as the
old surface has been pried up and a shiny,
new asphalt layer has replaced it. I use
the word choke deliberately because at any
given moment, anyone driving along 30 and
attempting to turn right or left or to just
keeping going straight might find themselves
redirected or even turned back. One night
last week, I found myself practically trapped
on North Main bouncing back and forth between
Highway 30 on the one side and a rail crew on
the other. To get to my home on North Main,
I eventually had to drive down to Grant and
come around that way.

Now, I’ve never been one to complain too
vociferously about road construction. After
all, if one wants to drive on smooth asphalt
lanes the majority of the year, one has to
put up with some maintenance in the summer.
But the construction on 30 seems almost
punitive in nature. I’ve never seen anything
like it.

I don’t envy road workers their job especially
when the heat is brutal, but twice now I’ve had
flag wavers directing me to drive straight into
oncoming traffic they themselves apparently did
not see. I’ve driven up streets toward 30 only
to be turned back once I got there. I’ve seen
other drivers confused as they attempted to
turn toward 30 and were only waved off after
they tried to make that turn. I’ve found myself
turning out from a business not knowing which
lane I was supposed to be using, the reconstructed
one or the dug up lane three inches below it. I’ve
seen very few signs except those posted at the very
ends of the construction zones.

I’ve also heard law enforcement say things over
their radios such as “Well, I finally got to Wal-
Mart.” Fire trucks, ambulances, deputies, police.
If they’re confused and delayed, we all are. And
if there is one thing I know it’s that when the
average American driver get confused, he gets

According to the Cherokee office of the Iowa DOT,
construction should last until the end of July
and that’s IF the weather holds. I’m all in favor
of nice roads. I brake for road workers every time.
If the Iowa Department of Transportation wants to
fix up Highway 30, more power to them. We will all
benefit in the end, but why tear up the length of
30 from one end of Carroll to the other? Why make
it harder for drivers to get out of your way? Why
not reroute traffic for a day or two to get the
job done section by section? Why not put a few more
people on the job to expedite things so the
commercial hub of Carroll County can get back to
business and pay the taxes that pay for these road
projects in the first place

For those who are not familiar with the great
American tradition of complaining, here is a phone
number you can call just to say, “Hey, it would be
great if we could get this road construction done
with sooner rather than later.” Be polite, but firm
if you decide to call. The squeaky wheel gets greased,
but you get more flies with honey and other mixed metaphors.

Call the Iowa Department of Transportation at
(712) 276-1451 to voice your concerns.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars

"The best, most concise assesment of Revenge of the Sith
that I have read - courtesy of my pal Greg Jerrett."
—Ben Godar

I went in with low expectations and that saved
me from utter disappointment. Had I known it
wouldn’t give me any great satisfaction, I would
have still gone to see “Revenge of the Sith”
much in the same way I might go to a funeral
for a relative I had lost touch with years ago
just to feel a sense of closure. Just as at a
funeral, everyone feels inclined to say something
nice about the deceased, there are those who will
tell you this movie is good and a fitting way
to end nearly 30 years of extended childhood
bliss. But that is nothing more than wishful


Sunday, June 05, 2005

Finally got this image to work. It's high quality for printing.
This is the image from the poster and T-shirt that my good
friend, JC Dahlager dig for me (without my asking) one summer
when he was an intern at the Nonpareil. I love it because it's
cool, yeah, sure who wouldn't? But also because he made
it on Nonpareil time as a pure expression of friendship.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

A little peace and quiet

You know what gets me is that people will look at you
like you is the devil if you walk into a restaurant
and ask to be seated where there are no children.

Great googly moogly!

God forbid that while spending $20 on a piece of
overpriced "prime" rib (a real crime if you ask me) I
should like to be able to concentrate on enjoying the
damn thing rather than listening to the oh so sweet
sounds of a 2-year-old screeching like a spider monkey
being ripped apart by chimps at a Who concert.

I don't hate kids per se. There are all sorts of
places I go where I don't bitch too much about kids.
Any fast food hambuger joint I go to is off limits for
the kiddie complaint machine since I reckon that's
their turf or at least they've clearly been invited by
the management to come one by. Besides, I can eat that
stuff in my car or come in at times I know kids are
less likely to be there or I could just not go.

But if I enter what is presumably a fine dining
establishment to spend a bit of cash that I could put
toward books, bills or my retirement, then I better be
treated like reasonable fucking man when I ask to not
be seated next to kids. And even so, I'm usually
pretty reasonable. I just don't want to sit next to
screaming kids. They are all pretty disgusting, loud,
little looky-loos that I could do without. But just
give me a modicum of peace and quiet and I'm happy.


Proud Moment No. 1

Remember The Iceman with respect, honor and envy

For years now, I’ve been following the
story of The Iceman, a 5,300-year-old
mummified corpse found frozen in the
Austrian Alps in 1991. Have you heard
of this gentleman? Ötzi — as he’s been
dubbed — has been the subject of several
documentaries because he reveals so much
to us about the Neolithic. Scientists
from Europe, America and Australia have
been using the most advanced of our modern
technologies to probe into every corner
of this primitive man’s remains to find
out just what his story was. How did he
live? How did he die? How much better are
we than him?

I used to joke in columns that Ötzi
wasn’t miraculously still alive when
he was thawed out. That isn’t entirely
true, though. His heart wasn’t beating
and his brain wasn’t firing off
synaptically, but old Ötzi was telling
quite a story.

The food in his colon indicated that he
ate primitive bread, preserved bear meat
and cultivated plants. Ötzi’s fingernails
had stopped growing several times in the
six months prior to his ultimate demise.
This told us that he had been near death
and recovered with the help of medicinal

He had tattoos indicating he had undergone
acupuncture treatments. He carried a copper
axe and wore mocassins tied to snowshoes,
the first of their kind.

Anthropologists are constantly gob-smacked
by Ötzi because he keeps proving that our
so-called primitive ancestors were on-the-ball,
well-equipped, socially, technologically,
artistically and medically advanced men
and not just slightly improved upon animals
on the way to becoming the glory that is
modern man.

In fact, the more we learn about Ötzi, the
better he looks and the more primitive we

Before Ötzi, anthropologists thought people
in the Neolithic were running around like a
bunch of monkeys with some skins thrown over
them tied roughly together with twigs and
grasses. Not so. Bearskins were tailored for
Ötzi — he even had a hat — and a cape made
of woven grasses kept him dry.

Copper, they believed, hadn’t even been figured
out yet, but Ötzi had an axe made of the
material. This means he was the proud owner
of a fairly common tool and not a rare item
kept only for ceremonial purposes.

Ötzi carried everything he needs to start a
fire in the snow. I don’t know about you, but
while I think I know how to start a fire, I’ve
never actually done it with anything less
primitive than matches, rolled up newspapers
and lighter fluid soaked briquettes. Let’s be
honest, there are a lot of basic skills and
knowledge about the world that each of us lacks
today because it just isn’t needed in our daily

Ötzi was 45 and quite old by Neolithic
standards. It was originally thought he’d died
of a combination of old age and exposure to the
elements. I think that was wishful thinking on
the part of modern scientists who wanted this
primitive to look like something of a helpless
tool at the mercy of the natural world when all
was said and done.

But it turns out that Ötzi lived in harmony with
his world and died from an arrow wound he got
from one of his fellow humans. He received the
wound several days prior to his death, too. Imagine
that if you will. The will and determination this
man had. How capable he was. He was a model of
self-sufficiency capable of living almost
indefinitely in the wilderness on food he killed
and in shelter he provided for himself. Even
after several illnesses failed to kill him off,
he managed to go on for days after being
shot, for what reason, we can’t know.

Maybe Ötzi was attacked. Maybe Ötzi started
something he couldn’t finish. It doesn’t
matter ultimately. What does matter is
that when we look back across our history,
we see names and dates and places of
significance. We revere men and women
whose actions changed the course of
human events and we marvel.

Yet 5,300 years ago, a primitive man — at
least in the sense that he came before us —
whose real name we will never know, whose
life is a mystery to us, died without fanfare
or record. Because a hiker stumbled upon him,
Ötzi came back to life with a message no
scientist has discovered or approved, but
which will one day be undeniable to all. We
may be modern, but we are not better, and
certainly no more capable, than our ancestors.

In October, 2004, Helmut Simon, the German
hiker who discovered Ötzi, died in the same
mountain range where he found The Iceman.
Simon fell 100 meters from an unmarked path
to his instant death on a peak called
Gaiskarkogel south of Salzburg, Austria,
home to some of mankind’s greatest artistic
achievements. He will no doubt be remembered
fondly by friends and family for some years,
but to history, he will be lucky to be a
minor footnote in the story of Ötzi who
never wrote an opera or wore a Gortex coat,
but neither did he slip and fall to his death.