If you're like me, and I know I am...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Dairy Farm

I can't say that I actuallly blame women for using their tits to their own advantage in the workplace. If I were a milker in a world full of breast obsessed farmhands, I reckon I'd do it too. The people I really can't tolerate are the men in the workplace who act as though they've been hypnotized every time some dossy cow walks into the room showing a bit of cleavage and flirting with them about as expertlyl as an amateur prostitute. Get a clue dude, you are a means to an end and a complete tool. Jerk off before you get to work and maybe you could think straight. Fucking losers.

Don't get me wrong. I like big tits. That's why I got to the strip club once a yon and maybe get a woman every two. But when it comes to the training room and production floor I say wrap those puppies up, strap 'em down or stay home with your fucking kids.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Big Geek Weekend

It's another weekend with the boys playing Journey Beyond. We're in about the 27th year of this game without frontiers and no sign of stopping any time soon. I don't really play any more. I figure if I want some control freak to determine MY fate, I can just go to work.

We've got about eight guys parked in a house the size of a shady motel room waiting their turn to roll some dice and have their fotunes told by Steve Thomas, the ostensible creator of the game, who calls the shots. I know what you're thinking and it IS a bit geeky. I've seen much worse though. This isn't your typical Magic: The Gathering, D&D or Halo crowd. Most of these guys have regular jobs and wives. They might like a nice comic now and again or the occasional sci fi flick, but they aren't 24/7 with their heads up their asses waiting for the next Renaissance Festival to come round.

It is usually a pretty intense weekend though. These guys will typically spend about 12 hours straight on this game with a few moments here and there for a pop, a piss or a barbecue.

Outsiders might find it immature, but I figure if there are grown men who can play golf with a straight face (and don't give me the usual line about how much money Tiger Woods makes playing golf because that doesn't justify shit) then why the hell can't we hang out once or twice a year, exercise our vast imaginations and drink 1,152 of pop (diet now per my suggestion).

Saturday, March 11, 2006

The greatest culinary concoctions of the ancient world

To my mind, there are three food inventions that rock so hard it's not even funny. The first two were invented by the Greeks. Number one is toast. I know, what's the big deal, but think about how much other foods would suck if they weren't served on a nice piece of toasted bread. I don't think I'd ever eat eggs if it weren't for toast. Even a burger is better when the bun is toasted. Not to mention croutons are toasted bread. This might just have been a way to make bread last longer, but it's really a great step forward in terms of flavor and preservation.

Number two is mayonaisse. Yes, the Greeks invented mayo. Take an egg, some olive oil and a bit of lemon, whip it together slowly and you've got an emulsion that does what the individual parts could only dream of doing. Mayo can be used a number of ways. Putting it on a sandwich might be most common today, but it's probably only the latest use for mayonaisse. It's used for salad dressing, as a base for sauces, as a baste for meats. You can even dip your fries in it. If you've only ever put it on a ham sarney or in potato salad, I encourage you to put a tablespoon of the good stuff in your California dip sometime or maybe a jot in your mac and cheese. Try using it anywhere you might use one of those nasty cream soups and see if it isn't even better.

But first and foremost of the greatest culinary inventions of the ancient world is cheese. How they came up with this one is a corker. After milking cows and goats for a time, some farmer just have noticed that the extra bits that sat around in buckets separated into curds. Cook milk just right with some salt and any number of enzymes from mold to rennet and you get thousands of varieties of cheese. Screw this pepper jack nonsense. If you've never had a nice piece of gorgonzola, stilton, emmentaler, Jarlsberg, gruyere or queso enchilado then you are missing out. The world of cheese goes so far beyond cheddar it's not funny, but even a good sharp piece of cheddar is so good it's hard to fathom a world without it.

Recently, a new Hy-Vee food store opened and it's got this cheese shop in it that is no joke. I've literally tripled the number of cheeses I've tried just in the last three months. I have no regrets. But be warned, cheese has its costs. It's expensive, but the real cost of eating good cheese is that even I can smell it coming out of every pore.

I can't get an operation, but I can get four kinds of Coke with cherry in it

When it comes to health care in the United States, we operate pretty much by the law of the jungle. I've been without any kind of health insurance for about a year and half. If I had to go to the hospital for a few days, I'd be on the hook for $9,000 just for the room. My stepdad has been to the hospital recently without insurance. He thought he was pretty well set financially and this pretty much wiped out that notion. People in the U.S. go bankrupt all the time becaue of a health problem.

Luckily I'm starting a new job with full benefits, but frankly, people shouldn't have to live in dread fear of getting sick in a supposedly civilized country, in the world's "greatest democracy." I'll have to be a good boy, keep my mouth shut, work like a dog, take mountains of crap and kiss a lot of ass or I can say good bye to my diabetes medication.

There are clinics here though where poor people and people without insurance can go see a doctor and maybe get some meds cheap. God bless the people who work there and do their best to eek funding out of a government that believes it shouldn't get involved with helping people (e.g. Katrina).

I'm moving to Canada first chance I get.

One thing we do have in abundance in the U.S. though is soft drinks. I swear they are always coming out with something enw and clever and delicious. Anybody had cherry vanilla diet Dr. Pepper? Or Lipton green tea with citrus? Or a Sobe No Fear energy drink? Or a black cherry Fresca? Or a ruby red Squirt? And these are just the mainstream sodas. We do a mean trade in micro brewery style pop as well like Jones and Shasta. I could go for a Kickapoo Joy Juice or a Sioux City Sasparilla.

But if I could afford to get my hernia fixed, I'd be much happier.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Relive the past? I'm living it every day

I've got this buddy coming into town next week who always insists on taking everyone out to this shitty restaurant called Spaghetti Works. He pays for it, so there is something to be said for that, right. It's free. At least his company pays for it.

Spaghetti Works is the kind of place that was really cool to hit up about 20 or 30 years ago when eating all the soft-as-shit spaghetti you could eat with such amazing sauces as "meat" and "butter" on. Now it just seems passe to me. It's an institution but the food fucking sucks. At least gimme my pasta al dente if spaghetti is truly your specialty, but no this shit's about as good as high school cafeteria fair.

We are 37-40 years old. That's like grown up aged. It would be nice if we could all go out to a proper restaurant, I think. Sit about. Enjoy each others company.

My buddy is one of those guys who acts like he's picky about what he eats, yet he eats shit. I've seen it. If we talk about ordering pizza, he wants Pizza Slut. Yet when someone suggests going to Valentino's, he says he gets tired of eating at corporate chains.

And the whole thing is bound up with this ridiculous sentimental notion like going to these shitholes is some kind of blast from the past. Well fuck that. I'm still living here and a blast from the past to me is just another sad reminder that I still live here. Reliving the past is what I do every fucking day driving up and down the same old streets time and time again, eating at the same restaurants, shopping at the same grocery store, seeing movies in the same old theaters and running into classmates day after motherfucking day.

And it isn't as though my buddy never gets a chance to come back into town. He's been here like three times in the last year ... minimum. It was one thing when it was once every two or three years, but now it's just silly.

So long story short, we're having Greek at a nice new restaurant ... owned and operated by a guy we went to school with.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Sunday, March 05, 2006

You always love your first best.

Saturday, March 04, 2006


Pronunciation: ri-'kä-t&, -'ko-
Function: noun
Etymology: Italian, from feminine of past participle of ricuocere to cook again, from Latin recoquere, from re- + coquere to cook -- more at COOK
: a white unripened whey cheese of Italy that resembles cottage cheese; also : a similar cheese made in the U.S. from whole or skim milk

More Fun with SpankGoat

spankgoat (8:54:52 PM): hello greg jerrett
GregJerrett (8:55:11 PM): what's up, B?
GregJerrett (8:55:38 PM): did you get those tracks
spankgoat (8:55:49 PM): not much...i just gave in and payed for a song on itunes
GregJerrett (8:55:50 PM): i cant ever send just one or two
GregJerrett (8:56:04 PM): you are a corp whore
spankgoat (8:56:05 PM): yes i did, they were good songs
GregJerrett (8:56:29 PM): I'm glad you liked them, they are some good 80s shit that most people have never heard
GregJerrett (8:56:36 PM): i dug the ones you sent me too,
GregJerrett (8:56:48 PM): I rely on young fellers to keep me au currant
GregJerrett (8:56:54 PM): that's French
GregJerrett (8:57:09 PM): did you hear Jerry is moving BACK to Germany
spankgoat (8:57:26 PM): oh is he?
GregJerrett (8:57:37 PM): yeah, his last day is the 12th apparently
spankgoat (8:57:46 PM): hmmm...
GregJerrett (8:57:51 PM): because, as I said, he's moving back to his fucking homeland
GregJerrett (8:57:58 PM): Germany
GregJerrett (8:58:06 PM): where he apparently speaks the language
GregJerrett (8:58:10 PM): and yet...
GregJerrett (8:58:35 PM): when I asked him two simple questions in German: wie gehts and wo bist du?
spankgoat (8:59:06 PM): i find it better not to question jerry too much regarding his lies...
GregJerrett (8:59:09 PM): he just looked at me like a fucking dog looks at you when you stare at it and whistle
GregJerrett (8:59:34 PM): i asked him how are you? and where are you?
GregJerrett (8:59:44 PM): it's day one in any German class ... that fuck
spankgoat (9:00:19 PM): it's going to be difficult programming firewalls for hospitals from Germany...
GregJerrett (9:00:42 PM): yeah, but it will be easyto play World of Warcraft
GregJerrett (9:00:52 PM): i bet
spankgoat (9:01:05 PM): apparently it's always easy to play WOW
GregJerrett (9:01:10 PM): one day I'll run into him at Dragons Lair buying Hentai
GregJerrett (9:01:16 PM): the new phones at work rock so fucking hard I was bleeding from the eyes
GregJerrett (9:01:19 PM): and the ears
spankgoat (9:01:37 PM): that's a lot of rock
GregJerrett (9:01:54 PM): you're God damn right it is
spankgoat (9:02:04 PM): tentacle rape hentai
GregJerrett (9:02:23 PM): yeah
GregJerrett (9:02:43 PM): Sailor Moon fucking Trigun cartoon porn from the orient
GregJerrett (9:02:48 PM): hot stuff
GregJerrett (9:03:07 PM): i havent been to sleep yet today since I got off
GregJerrett (9:03:19 PM): I'm very tired
spankgoat (9:03:28 PM): are you off tonight?
GregJerrett (9:04:01 PM): oh yeah...I'm gonna eat a baked potato then spank it and pass out... now that's a night's sleep you can't buy
spankgoat (9:04:27 PM): take that nyquil...
GregJerrett (9:05:09 PM): maybe a big turkey sndwich with a big glass of milk after a nice swim and a big fat doob
spankgoat (9:05:20 PM): itunes has like 100 smashing pumpkins b-sides/rarities...that's probably more songs than all of the smashing pumpkins albums put together...
GregJerrett (9:05:26 PM): that would be some sleep that is better than sex
GregJerrett (9:05:38 PM): yeah you right
spankgoat (9:06:01 PM): turkey sandwiches don't make me tired, but just plain turkey does...
spankgoat (9:06:12 PM): like thanksgiving turkey...
GregJerrett (9:06:24 PM): I am gonna have to get one of those t-shirts that says I {heart} cox
GregJerrett (9:06:42 PM): i went in for me interview today at 3
GregJerrett (9:06:54 PM): took then test, passed of course
spankgoat (9:06:55 PM): how'd it go?
GregJerrett (9:07:09 PM): they offered me the job right there
GregJerrett (9:07:17 PM): of course I told them to fuck off
GregJerrett (9:07:24 PM): I'm an Earthlink man, I said
GregJerrett (9:07:32 PM): I'll die at West
GregJerrett (9:07:52 PM): who needs 13 an hour plus incentives, free cable and internet
GregJerrett (9:07:54 PM): right?
spankgoat (9:08:04 PM): you always did say west was your one true love
GregJerrett (9:08:16 PM): yeah, it's even better than Hentai
GregJerrett (9:08:27 PM): I want to have Dave Dimmit's love child
spankgoat (9:08:38 PM): so when do you start at cox?
GregJerrett (9:09:03 PM): the real question is when WAS my last night at ELK?
GregJerrett (9:09:15 PM): am I right?
GregJerrett (9:09:23 PM): cause that would be last night!
GregJerrett (9:09:31 PM): march 13 is when training begins
spankgoat (9:10:07 PM): you're not going to go in to talk smack to the customers?
spankgoat (9:10:17 PM): not even for a little while?
GregJerrett (9:10:23 PM): hmmm, maybe
GregJerrett (9:10:34 PM): i mostly just feel sorry for them now
spankgoat (9:10:35 PM): you could say "fuck" on the phone...
spankgoat (9:10:40 PM): the new phone...
GregJerrett (9:10:52 PM): but I would get recorded if I said FUCK
GregJerrett (9:11:03 PM): last night, they couldn't monitor us at all
spankgoat (9:11:14 PM): why not?
GregJerrett (9:11:52 PM): cause it was all fucked up
GregJerrett (9:12:12 PM): the phones worked pretty good, but they just had some bugs to work out
spankgoat (9:12:47 PM): well i CAN'T WAIT for friday so i can use them
GregJerrett (9:13:15 PM): yeah right, it's like wearing a golden leash
GregJerrett (9:13:33 PM): but they did add little extention cords for the phone jacks
GregJerrett (9:13:46 PM): so you will be able to get accidentally disconnected, just like the old days
spankgoat (9:15:58 PM): considering 3/4 of the headsets have broken clips
GregJerrett (9:16:08 PM): its pretty plausible
GregJerrett (9:16:24 PM): i get my free internet and cable right away though
GregJerrett (9:16:44 PM): in fact, I called in to upgrade to premium, figured i could pay for it for the next two weeks and they couldnt do it.
GregJerrett (9:16:52 PM): they apologized and oemed me
GregJerrett (9:16:58 PM): i felt like an earthlink customer
GregJerrett (9:17:02 PM): fucked in the ass
spankgoat (9:17:03 PM): do you get faster internet than what you have currently?
GregJerrett (9:17:22 PM): oh yeah. free premium, free digital cable
GregJerrett (9:17:43 PM): i got shit to download, man, i need the premium
spankgoat (9:17:51 PM): what about phone?
GregJerrett (9:18:00 PM): there's about 9 gigs of Justice League out there with my name on it
GregJerrett (9:18:08 PM): i dont need phone, but it's free too
GregJerrett (9:20:14 PM): i might show up saturday to fulfill my promise about going off on the phone for everyone's amusement, but i'm looking forward to two weeks off with my digital cable and high speed internet.
GregJerrett (9:20:35 PM): promise me that we will always be friends though, OK?
GregJerrett (9:20:53 PM): OKAY?!
spankgoat (9:24:40 PM): ok
spankgoat (9:24:46 PM): we will always be friends
spankgoat (9:24:58 PM): forever
GregJerrett (9:25:06 PM): aw fuck it
GregJerrett (9:25:39 PM): I'm about ready to pass out. I just logged on to check me email and start my torrents
GregJerrett (9:26:08 PM): but I better go now. I will send you some more songs if you like. you can always erase the ones you hate
GregJerrett (9:26:20 PM): and please send me some more stuff too
spankgoat (9:26:40 PM): alright
spankgoat (9:26:46 PM): talk to you later
GregJerrett (9:26:53 PM): later B

Karmic Opportunity for those with Paypal

If you'd like to do something good for a complete stranger who has cancer and needs to raise nearly $80,000 for medicine, please go here. I have it on good information that this is legitimate. David Woodley is a member of a British TV torrent site I frequent called UKNova. UKNova is much more like a community than any other site I've ever been to. It only has British TV and only British TV that isn't available on DVD yet. So you can watch last night's episode of "Shameless" or "Eastenders," but not "Doctor Who" episodes that have been released on DVD.

David's wife, Su, has cancer in her colon and it's spreading. They have children and could use the help. Even a dollar (or a pound) will help. It's good karma. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Greg.