'ironic' doesn't mean 'weird' (advice) 5.24.02

For the graduating class of 2002, a few words of advice:
Don't use the word "ironic" when all you mean is "weird" or "coincidental." It's not ironic that you ran into your friends at the mall.
Only when the literal meaning is the opposite of the intended meaning or when a series of dramatic events results in circumstances that are incongruous with the expected outcome of those events is something "ironic."
And dance. Dance like you haven't got a brain in your head ... unless people are watching, then act like you just tripped.
Never support a Constitutional Amendment to make something illegal that isn't a problem in the first place.
"Facetious" is not the same as "funny." You aren't being facetious when you tell a bad joke at a party, you are being facetious when you tell a bad joke at a funeral.
Enjoy your body, but don't ever let anyone else enjoy it. There is no such thing as "a good touch," especially at a fraternity party
Don't move to a big city to be cool. That doesn't work. Cool people are cool no matter where they live.
Don't wait to be discovered. Instead, make a huge ass of yourself until people either dismiss you as annoying or accept you as bold.
Vanilla Coke. It's Coke and vanilla. Don't get excited.
If you THINK you might like sky-diving, you probably won't. If you KNOW you would like sky-diving, you definitely won't.
Why buy used when new smells so much better.
Fashion is for pop culture victims. Never do anything just because everyone else is doing it.
Don't think too much about being popular. Popular people don't.
A simple box fan makes the voices in your head be quiet ... for a little while any way.
When writing your manifesto, a shack in the woods is as good a place as any. It offers both privacy and mystique.
Never believe that serious issues can only be addressed seriously. Comedy is the greatest weapon we have against tyranny.
Don't hate people because they are different from you. Hate people because they are just like you.
If a train leaves Lincoln heading east at 60 m.p.h. at the same time a car leaves Des Moines heading west at 75 m.p.h. does anyone really care how long it takes them to meet as long so long as they both stop and play the slots?
Margarine is no damn good.
Never put off until tomorrow what can be done today unless you are absolutely sure you can get away with it.
Nobody knows the trouble you've seen if you don't tell them about it every chance you get.
"Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn" is the single greatest science fiction movie ever made right behind "Bladerunner," "2001: A Space Odyssey," "Soylent Green" and "Westworld."
Travel as much as you can. See the world in all its glory because you never know how long it or you will be here.
Cats are not smarter than dogs just because they poop in a box.
The less a person has to say, the louder they are likely to say it. Listen more than you speak. Don't assume loud is right. That's how fascism gets rolling.
You don't need all that sugar. Have a piece of fruit.
And dance. Dance like your tip depends on it.
Spanking ... ain't nothing wrong with that!
"Made in America" means something again with no small thanks to the Japanese. Makes you think.
Nine times out of 10, if you are the same but everyone else is different, you are in the Twilight Zone.
Why run when you can walk? Why read when you can see the movie? Why cook when you can eat out? Why stand when you can sit? Why try when giving up is so easy?
Don't be linear when you can work in circles. The greatest minds in history never did things the easy way.
Tacos are supposed to be soft. That crispy shell thing is an abomination.
Sometimes doing the right thing takes great effort. Sometimes doing the right thing takes no effort at all. Knowing when to act and when not to act is the key.
Everything is better in moderation except for cheese.
Credit cards are the devil's plastic.
Listen to college radio every chance you get.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, just questions asked by stupid people.
You cannot succeed if you do not try, but on the other hand you can't fail either.
No one likes a whiner unless she is an extremely attractive woman, then no one seems to mind that much.
Six of one, half dozen of the other.
Being folksy is a good way to make people trust you. Being rich is a good way to make sure people do what you want whether they trust you or not.
Never say "I love you" unless you really mean it or if someone says it to you first. You can always take it back later.
And dance. Dance like a monkey with its tail on fire.
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. His column runs on Wednesdays and Saturdays. He may be contacted at 328-1811, Ext. 279, or by e-mail at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.