Meeting women (rites of spring) 5.10.02

As this is one of the first springs I've had since I started taking medication for diabetes, I feel healthier in many ways than I have in quite awhile.
Spring is doing its number on me and it feels good. Ahhhh, sweet youthful energy.
Not to be vulgar, but whether it is by nature's original design or the generous benefaction that is owed to a bounding recovery, one's amorous inclinations have begun demanding greater attention.
Whereas recently the notion of fulfilling the glorious duties of the grand scheme of evolution known as fruitfulness and multiplicity for lack of primal drive had drifted by the wayside, this season has rekindled those divine rhythms.
In short, gimmee a freak momma, as Sir Mix-a-Lot said, preferably one with a good-sized brain and a great tolerance for the shortcomings of men because I have those in abundance.
But where in the wide, wide world of sports is a youngish man whose bloom is temporarily refreshed yet fading to go looking for love in Council Bluffs, the City of Dreams?
Let's face it, there are about 10 people in my age range here and half of them are guys.
People are born here, they move away and then they come back to raise their kids. If I have seen more than a handful of 30-somethings in the last year who were single, gainfully employed outside the arena of exotic dance or looking for a mature relationship, they were tweakers.
Necessity is the mother of invention, but desperation is the baby's daddy. So where do you go when you have to make do?
Top-10 places to meet women in Council Bluffs.
The checkout line at Super Saver. I have found the cashiers at Super Saver to be the closest thing I could have to a meaningful relationship with another human being without getting blood tests first. They are hard-working, courteous and friendly. The fact that they are forced to behave that way is a small detail I choose to ignore.
Beauty schools. I have found women studying the cosmetic arts to be ambitious and well-coiffed. Their work brings them in contact with the occasional gay man so they are tolerant of artistic mood swings.
Iowa Western Community College. Dreams go to be reborn there. Theater types, music buffs, adult education devotees. Oh yeah. Take a French class, throw some pots or just wander around pretending to be an interested student some day and you will meet all kinds of ladies bent on self-improvement.
IBP. Say what you will about a woman who processes meat all day but a woman who uses a knife for a living has to have good hand-eye coordination, stamina, dedication and passion. Working knowledge of Spanish is helpful.
The Council Bluffs Public Library. Mon dieux, you want to talk about exciting and brainy ladies, sit in a book club meeting some night talking about modern fiction. The down side is most of these ladies go to book club meetings to get away from their husbands for an hour or two and then run right back. A durn shame if you ask me. A working knowledge of English is helpful.
Sapp Brothers. I know what you're thinking. "Sapp Brothers? Isn't that a truck stop?" Yes it is, but there are a surprising number of women who hang out there at night looking for dates. You have to give them credit for trying.
Both hospitals and every clinic in town. Develop a good long-term illness requiring routine maintenance and frequent office visits. Dress well and pretend to be nice to the staff and somebody is bound to take pity on you eventually. You need to work fast though, HMOs have made sure your actual contact with medical staff takes less time than the average trip through the Burger King drive-thru.
Burger King. Free refills on pop and a relaxed atmosphere make BK the next best thing to your neighborhood single's bar these days. Pick a favorite table, read, work on your "movie script," look like a brooding intellectual and try not to freak anybody out and something should happen.
The county treasurer's office/DOT. These two are forever linked in my mind since they are both government offices I frequent when I need a license renewed. Unlike larger states where the pressure of waiting on lines of angry people seems to drive the attendants insane with hatred for all humanity, here they seem to take it all in stride. That takes patience by the bucketload. They're always nice and if you don't take your problems out on them they won't make your life hell. I have to respect that in anybody and that goes doubly so for a potential mate.
And finally your local video store. I like a lady who knows her fine cinema, but the down side is it's kind of hard to look a woman in the eye or make conversation after she's seen you rent "College Girls 37," "Schindler's Fist" or "Joe Dirt."
Someone mentioned church as a possible, but I have to tell you, the idea of engaging in religious activity in the hopes of meeting women seems somehow, oh, immoral, I guess is the word. If you are at church anyway and meet a nice lady that's great but if you weren't there to see the light to begin with, it's a little creepy.
The mall is good if you are 14 or a speed-walker.
For now, I will bide my time, so if you see me in the produce aisle and it LOOKS like I'm buying lettuce, I probably am, but I'm also keeping my options open.
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. His column runs on Wednesdays and Saturdays. He may be contacted at 328-1811, Ext. 279, or by e-mail at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.