Just Dakota? I don't think so 6.29.01

Warning: This column contains dangerous levels of sarcasm, dark humor and gratuitous derogatory references to ill-conceived marketing schemes. Sensitive readers, children and anyone with relatives in the Greater North Dakota Association may wish to exercise caution or choose to not read at all.
According to CNN, the Associated Press and at least 13 late night comedians I've seen so far, the chamber of commerce for the state of North Dakota, the Greater North Dakota Association, is getting behind a proposal to change the name of their state to simply "Dakota." They feel the "North" in "North Dakota" is giving people the idea that North Dakota is a frigid, treeless prairie in spite of the hundreds of Westerns filmed in that state showing otherwise.
Former governor of North Dakota, Ed Schafer said, "People have such an instant thing about how North Dakota is cold and snowy and flat. We're not going to change that overnight. But [a name change] would get a lot of attention. Personally, I think it would be fun."
Fun, Ed? Like grandma's birthday party fun or like waiting at the dentist on new magazine day fun?
This may be the most brilliant marketing scheme since Benjamin Franklin told Thomas Jefferson, "Maybe instead of 'Up yours, England!' we should call it 'The Declaration of Independence' ... class it up, you know?"
In an Associated Press story, some state officials worry the plan might subject North Dakota to national ridicule and abuse on a par with dirty swirlies and atomic wedgies. Gee, d'ya think?
Dakota IS a great name, that's why there is not a strip club in the United States that doesn't have at least two, one for the day shift and a good-looking one at night.
Dakota sounds like that kid in "The Outsiders" who gets beat up by the Socs and makes the Greasers itch for a rumble.
"You saved those kids from burning in that church, Dakota, you're a hero."
"Stay gold, Ponyboy."
"I'd like to, Dakota, but I already promised Dallas, Sodapop, Beelzebubba, Junebug and Raspberryripple I'd get me a job sackin' at the Piggly Wiggly."
Current governor of North Dakota, John Hoeven said he is willing to listen to arguments for the idea, but said he likes "North Dakota."
"I'm more focused in getting out there and talking about all the wonderful things we have here, whether it's quality of work force, quality environment, great tourism, great education," he said.
He failed to mention the fact that there hasn't been one reported case of settlers being overrun by Indians in North Dakota for nearly 17 years. That's got to count for something.
This would mark the first time a state has changed its name since Mosquito Infested Hellhole changed its name to Lousiana.
Research on this marketing scheme could open the door for other less-than-funky or dork states to do likewise.
It also raises a number of issues. First off, it IS cold in North Dakota, who are they kidding? They should change the name to Cold Dakota. When I hear "North Carolina" I don't think cold. The "North" isn't the issue, reality is.
South Dakota is no doubt unhappy about the proposal because they are going to look like the lesser Dakota and that's just not true. All Dakotas are equal. They will have to change their name to something like "Orignal Dakota" or "Dakota Lite" to keep up.
Then Nebraska is going to realize that when people think "Nebraska," they think of corn and truck driving schools so they will have to change their name to "Tranquilvania" or maybe "France" to beef up there image.
What about Kansas and Arkansas? Basically they have the same name but one has an "Ar" in front of it. Don't Europeans get confused when making vacation plans in these states?
And let's not even get started on the whole Iowa-Idaho-Ohio conundrum that has confused scholars and "Tonight Show" guests alike for decades. No one can ever remember which state grows what. Should we help them out with additional info in the title like CornIowa, SpudIdaho or The-One-With-Cleveland-In-It-Ohio?
Maybe Iowa just needs a good tagline. We might then write our address as Council Bluffs, Iowa, You Make Me Smile Like That Keven Costner Movie 50011.
Or maybe changing a state's name for giggles is just a heinously bad idea cooked up by the kind of money-grubbing and thoughtless kind of people who invented New Coke.
Unless you are going from "Indian Territory" to "Oklahoma" or you want to split off from Virginia and remain part of the Union, you should not be changing the name of your state just to manipulate the impression people have of you.
If the impression people have of your state is accurate, but you would like to modify it, try a more traditional and less Orwellian add campaign like "North Dakota: It's Hot As Hell Up Here" or "North Dakota: It's 20-1 Gals to Guys, You Do The Math!"
In other stupid ideas, I am going to be in a rib-eating contest at Bluffs Run's Barbecue Festival Saturday, July 7. Come for the spectacle, stay for the brisket!
Stay gold, North Dakota!

Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. He can be contacted at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.