i waste, therefore i am (i waste...redux) 8.15.02

I was watching a documentary about the Iceman, a guy who fell asleep on a snow-covered mountain in Europe some 5,200 years ago only to be thawed out in the 20th Century. To answer your question, no, he wasn't still alive. He did have a few lessons for us though. Scientists picked him apart from top to bottom... literally. This man's colon told a story like "War and Peace."
As far as documentaries go, it was pretty sweet. It had dramatic reenactments of life in 3200 B.C. and believe me, life back then was not pretty and slick like it is today.
Iceman was something of a stud and he told these scientists a great deal For example, he had a copper axe 1,000 years before it was thought possible to have copper. That's like finding a TV in the Dark Ages or strong leadership in the Democratic Party. Amazing!
Iceman was decked out in his finest goin'-to-the-sacred-tree clothes. Before this, no one had a clue what Neolithic men wore. Apparently they wore animal skins and not polyester, but hey, the man had a copper axe so anything is possible.
The Iceman - let's call him Brian - was 45. That is old for a Neolithic man. Three times before he died, Brian's fingernails stopped growing. This is significant because one's fingernails only stop growing when one is suffering a severe illness. THIS is significant because it means Brian was sick enough to die three times and DIDN'T. THAT is significant because Brian either had access to medicinal herbs or the European healthcare system is just that good. My money is on echinacea. That stuff works!
Wear on Brian's teeth showed he ate a rough bread product. Fascinating.
The commercials were almost as educational as the documentary itself. One was for Chili and Scoops - corn chip scoops with a tiny bowl of chili in a plastic container inside a brightly painted cardboard box. Microwave the chili, eat it with the scoops - it's fun! I bet the Brian would be miffed he missed this one.
Why would anyone pay for a single serving of chili and a handful of corn chips? Our Neolithic ancestors killed bears for dinner and we can't get it together enough to buy our own can of chili and bag of chips?
Then there was one for Kraft cheese cubes. Just cubes of cheddar cheese in a bag. As if cheese weren't expensive enough, I am going to pay someone else to cube it?
Recipe for cubed cheese: 1) Buy cheese. 2) Cube it! If you can't do that, you should avoid cheese anyway.
If you have money to spend on pre-cubed cheese and never give to charity, you might want to rethink this in case Jesus is watching.
And Lunchables, aren't these pretty much crackers and cheese in a box? When I was a kid, if you sent your kid to school with nothing but crackers and cheese, the teacher called social services.
Are they still selling the single-serving cereal bowls in the refrigerated section with the milk? They sell these things so kids can help themselves, but if a kid can't open a box of cereal how can one crack three layers of cardboard and safety seals to get at a couple ounces of Frosted Flakes?
If your kids aren't old enough to figure out a box of cereal, they shouldn't be in the kitchen by themselves. Besides, what kid can't polish off three bowls of sugar-coated anything while watching cartoons?
Maybe it started with canned soup, sliced bread and TV dinners. Was that the beginning of the end of self-reliance in America? Or maybe it goes back to the beginning of agrarian society itself.
We accept a lot of waste in America: Cans, plastic, aluminum, Robert Downey Jr. episodes of "Ally McBeal," but even so, these products go beyond the pale. Small units increase your cost per unit so where is the up side?
I've got to think there is psychological damage as well. Consuming these prepackaged food items is a weird placebo telling us falsely we are better than lesser men. I waste, therefore I am.
I am not completely above all this, no one is. Maybe my objection is a working-class thing. When I was a kid, my mom would rather have cut her hands off than buy tiny bags of chips.
"Why would I want to spend good money on little bags of chips when we got a whole bag in the cupboard?"
I couldn't believe she didn't get it. Didn't she know chips taste better when they come in designer bags for others to see you have enough money to spend on shiny things?
Maybe cheese tastes better when somebody else cubes it, too. Who knows? Not me, because I would never buy pre-cubed cheese.
At the end of the Brian's documentary, the narrator put all of the information into perspective for us.
"What would the Iceman (Brian) think about all this scientific investigation? He wouldn't know what to make of it."
Oh, that poor, primitive Iceman. What would he think if he knew his story were paid for by people who sell pre-cubed cheese to his descendants?
What would he think of descendants who couldn't kill their own bears let alone cube their own cheese?
The Iceman would probably be glad he lived 5,200 years ago, free and capable.
We gaze in wonder at how far we have come in 5,000 years. I have to wonder at how far we have fallen.
If I needed to survive in the wilderness for a few days, I'd up and die from shock. I couldn't start a fire with sticks. I know there is more to it than that.
Rest in peace, Iceman, you were as good as any of us.
Homework assignment: Read "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk while eating a block of cheese you cubed YOURSELF (vegetarians) or an animal you killed yourself (carnivores).
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. His column runs on Wednesdays and Saturdays. He may be contacted at 328-1811, Ext. 279, or by e-mail at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.