Solving Iowa's problems the old fashioned way (legalized prostitution) 8.8.02

[Stay tuned 'till the end of this week's column for an EXCITING READER'S POLL.]

Lately, my friends and I have been overcome with a most unusual sense of nostalgia. It is unusual because we are all between 33 and 35 and have not felt the need to look backwards until now. It's all "weren't the '80s great!" and "If I knew then what I know now, well..."
When one works long hours and feels his mortality in aching muscles and joints while explaining why things are the way they are to one's kids, one starts to get all funky and emotional. It's nature's way. One day, while wondering what happened to that Loverboy headband you wore to school four months straight in the ninth grade, you get hit by a bus to make way for the next generation.
For my part, I have enjoyed looking at old pictures of Council Bluffs throughout the ages (and if anyone has pictures they would like to share, they can e-mail them to me at the Nonpareil).
Looking at the same streets I've roamed in stark black and white makes me feel connected to something greater. Reading of the exploits of Council Bluffs residents makes me feel as though anything is possible.
Which brings me to this weeks big question: Why is prostitution illegal and why can't Iowa figure out a way to profit from it?
Ben and Mary Marks, formerly of Council Bluffs, made their money in the entertainment business around the turn of the century. Ben ran several successful gambling establishments while Mary ran a whorehouse on Vine Street. It seems to me if we can have three major casinos in Council Bluffs to fill the various coffers that they fill, then we, as intelligent, morally flexible individuals should have no problem figuring out a way to not only make prostitution legal, but to score huge greasy wads of dough of it as well.
Fact: Council Bluffs has twice the national crime rate. Fact: Council Bluffs lacks night life. Fact: One affects the other.
We need to get the crime rate down. We need a nightlife. Now we can accomplish both.
Take something that is illegal, make it NOT illegal any more and watch our crime rate plummet. No extra cops, just pure mental gymnastics. Clean up illegal prostitution by making it legal.
What's that? Prostitution is immoral, you say? Well, last time I checked, so was gambling until we realized how much money we could make from it. Let's not get bogged down now. Technically, gambling is still illegal. I can't run a casino out of my house, can I? We can do the same thing with prostitution. We keep the skanky, nasty truck stop variety and independent pros illegal then we rent out some space in the Omni Center and set up the sweetest, little state-sponsored cathouse this side of the Missouri! YEEE-HAAAW! The parking is awesome!
This doesn't have to just be a Council Bluffs thing. You could take any empty storefront in any small town around southwest Iowa and convert it for the purposes of legalized, sanitary, stress-relieving prostitution. Walnut would be perfect, but I suspect quite a few cities 'round these parts could do it.
Isn't prostitution bad for women? No little girl says "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up." Isn't hooking a shameful occupation? Forced prostitution IS wrong. Pimping is wrong. No diggity. But lots of people have jobs they hate or find shameful. I know, I used to do telemarketing.
You know something else you never hear a little girl say? "I want to clean toilets when I grow up," "I want to be financially dependent on a man," "I want to make french fries all day" or "I want to have my 401(K) mismanaged by a Fortune 500 company," but it happens.
Besides, men can be prostitutes as well. In my vision of financial security for the great state of Iowa, men and women will all have an equal opportunity to make whores of themselves for cash in a clean, safe, medically-regulated environment. They will put books in our schools, open free clinics, fund sexual addiction counseling to handle the sudden, but acceptable, increase in that affliction.
People will come for miles around to make us rich. Forget libraries, entryways and small civic improvements, this plan is bigger than all that. Iowa will be able to afford world-class medical centers, the biggest mall in the universe, underground asteroid shelters, our own space program, gold-plated hubcaps and furry hats for every city council member, city manager and big pimpin' mayor in the state.
It's the 2K2, Iowa, let's look to the past to solve the problems of today and - I'd guess - tomorrow. Leave your hangups in Nebraska and let's get this fiscal party started, right?
On a related note, I am conducting my own reader's survey. Send me the name of your favorite southwest Iowa "go-go club" by Aug. 16 at 9 a.m. The password is "Fidelio." You must be at least, oh, 16, let's say to vote, but no older than 116. Contestants must speak English, Spanish, French, German, Latin or Sanskrit. Call/e-mail Greg Jerrett at the number/address below. Don't cheat. It's no fun if you cheat. All results are final. Results will be announced Saturday, Aug. 17 in this column unless I call in sick after my birthday. Contest is open to all Nonpareil readers, employees, their family members and clergy.
Next week's contest: The worst thing you ever did to another human being. Password is "Who are you to judge me?"
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. His column runs on Wednesdays and Saturdays. He may be contacted at 328-1811, Ext. 279, or by e-mail at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.