And so this is Xmas (merry xmas 2001) 12.21.01

I wanted to get you something special for Christmas but since I don't know your sweater size, I decided to write you a column instead.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The bad thing about a Christmas column is that if you don't like it, you can't return it and and even if you could exchange it, it isn't worth any more than a previously viewed copy of "Glitter" starring the questionable talents of Ms. Mariah Carey.
People ask me all the time (at least the people in my head ask me all the time), Greg, what is it about Christmas that makes it such a special time of year?
And I tell them, "Stuff. Getting stuff, giving stuff, eating stuff (especially stuffing . . . with gravy), watching stuff, drinking stuff with rum in it and basically hanging out."
But the thing I really like about Christmas is the stuff most people do not realize.
Christmas is only the greatest holiday in all of western culture because it began as the single greatest pagan holiday.
In the early days of the Christian religion, things were not going so swimmingly as they are now. Believe it or not, Jesus just did not have the same appeal in the early days as he has now.
In fast food terms, Jesus was like White Castle. People who liked Jesus REALLY liked him and bought him by the bag. You couldn't get Jesus everywhere, but in places where Jesus was available you would see people lined up at 2 a.m. just to get some.
While Jesus had a small and very devout following, he did not rake in the followers the way a McDonald's type religion might have. The truth is that back then, there were no McDonald's. Every religion was like White Castle and A&W. Small, local and hardcore.
But the Christians had the best marketing and public relations firm in the Old World working on their side and they came up with a plan. Co-opt the major holy days and sites of really popular pagan religions, replace them with Christian churches and holy days and watch what happens.
This was like franchising.
Again, in fast food terms, its like when Colonel Sanders invented the fast food franchise. Rather than go through the hassle of opening a Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant in every town, he simply sold the right to make his delicious chicken and got a share of the profits.
So rather than wait the required couple of millennia for Christian holy days to develop naturally, the church took pagan holy days and showed the heathens how what they were really getting at was an intuitive kind of Christianity. The earth goddess becomes the Virgin Mary, the tannenbaum becomes the Christmas Tree, Samhain becomes All Hallow's Eve or Halloween for short.
The greatest single holiday in the pagan world was what the Romans called Saturnalia. It was basically a big party at the end of the year.
It was more a celebration of childish and immoral behavior as the Romans were wont to do. The day was marked by crime, drinking and lasciviousness throughout its many incarnations through the years.
Rich people hid themselves away in fear because at this time of the year, poor people got away with coming to your house, beating you up and taking your stuff.
It was tolerated because the rich thought, "What the hell, we have it pretty good the rest of the year and if we want to keep having it pretty good the rest of the year, we better let them have our stuff."
The Church took the biggest pagan holiday and made it what could only be the biggest Christian holiday and that is Jesus' birthday. The fact that Jesus was born in the summer is irrelevant.
Things kept rolling as they always had only now the day was called Christmas. So in the early days, Christmas was still all about drinking and rowdy behavior. This went on for centuries.
At one point, Christmas was banned in England because it was so out of control.
Christmas was not celebrated as an American holiday until the 19th century because no one really knew what it was. It only made a comeback after a concentrated effort by officials to give Americans something fun to do in the winter. When it did make its comeback, it was almost 100 percent about wholesome kid fun.
Christmas is still a big drinking holiday in Europe. In fact, an old English roommate of mine was quite surprised to find it was not on the same level as the Fourth of July and St. Patrick's day in America.
In many ways, what we have done with Christmas by making it a gentle and loving holiday for kids is uniquely American.
The fact that Christmas has not existed in its current state since 1 A.D. takes nothing away from Christmas for me. But as a nod toward the old ways, this year I will make my holiday turkey Wild Turkey, raise a glass to Saturnalia and get stinky while watching 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" on TNT.
Merry Christmas, Council Bluffs. God bless us every one.
- Greg Jerrett is a Daily Nonpareil staff writer. He may be contacted at 328-1811 ext. 279 or by e-mail at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.