Armageddon married in the morning (marriage) 6.18.02

I am not a big fan of weddings. Next to funerals and graduations, they are my least favorite social functions to attend. My favorites are, in no particular order, ritual circumcisions, sweat lodges, armistice agreements and public executions.
Of course, being a groomsman is much worse than just going to a wedding. At 33, all of my friends were married long ago. Then I decided to go back to school and hang out with 19 and 20-year-olds. Long story short about to get long again, three weddings in the last year so far and now one of my little buddies wants me to be a groomsman.
It isn't basking in other people's happiness that I hate so much. No, I lie, I do hate that almost more than anything. My existence is pretty empty, bitter, dull, loveless, petless and even plantless so being asked to publicly acknowledge and participate in the joy of others is about as much fun to me as eye surgery.
There is something inconvenient about attending someone else's celebration of wedded bliss. The miserable individual buying the happy couple a gift is a rude social irony. But to have to stand up during the whole thing? That just crosses the line from friendly obligation to brutal indignity.
And of course they're Catholic, too, so this thing isn't going to be a 15-minute job either. It's going to go on and on and on until not only the bride and groom feel married but everyone in the church, the guy down the street and even the lilies of the field. The nerve of some people.
Frankly, I'm tempted to end the friendship just to get out of the wedding. If I had to drive far, miss "Farscape" or be out after 9 at night, I probably would tell them to go do something biologically improbable that weren't planning to do on their wedding night any how.
My favorite part is the tuxedo fitting. Not the wearing of the tuxedo, although that bites too, but actually having a stranger measure all your body parts. I suppose if you are skinny as a rail or super buff it's no problem, but I'm a bit of a fatty the way Robert Downey Jr. kind of likes heroin. There is nothing less likely to put me in good mood than hearing the words "Brianne, could you bring me TWO tape measures?"
The only saving grace is I will not be expected to pay for the rental of the monkey suit myself unlike most bridesmaids and their hideous dress. They should go on strike. Not only are they asked to look like hell in comparison to the bride, they have to pay for the humiliation of wearing their worst fuschia taffeta nightmares in public.
At least there is the payoff of the bachelor party the night before and the reception right after, huh? Not for me, I'm on about four different kinds of medication. So these days I do all these things sober.
Alcohol is bad for you. Legally, ethically and morally I feel obligated to say so. But there are a lot of things alcohol makes easier, that's why it's a crutch. Explaining how you know the groom for four hours to Talula, the bride's great aunt from Keokuk even she hasn't seen since she was 3-years old, for example, that takes anesthetic.
I really don't see any advantage to being married that just living together doesn't accomplish without all the fuss. Does it really matter if children are "legitimate" these days? Being born "out of wedlock" just isn't the stigma it once was.
I think women would be better off if they gave up on marriage as an institution. They could keep their names and a lion's share of the power in society if you think about it. The difference between a patriarchal society and a matriarchal one is basically whose name the kids get.
The whole taking the man's name thing really stretches back to the idea of women-as-property anyway. You no longer belong to your father, you now belong to your husband. Your dad has the goats to prove it. We're beyond that, so why not drop the ritual?
Breeding doesn't have the same consequence it once did. Birth control has made sex largely recreational. Kids aren't needed to work the farm since family farms are quickly becoming a thing of the past. There are over 6 billion people on the planet so I think we accomplished the whole fruitful multiplicity thing. God's got to be satisfied with the way that command worked out.
I suppose it is still pretty nice to have someone who is legally obligated to hang out with you constantly, but I don't know a man or woman who doesn't have serious complaints about their spouse. Men don't listen, women don't stop talking. Men are lazy, women don't stop talking. Men hide their feelings, women don't stop talking. The list goes on.
They say married men live longer and that makes marriage a good deal for them. They don't tell you those extra years are spent praying for death. I don't care what THEY say, man was not meant to wear pants around the house.
Still, when I see these anniversary announcements about some couple married 50 years or more, I think it must be worth all this effort. Marriages are like sitcoms. Most of them might be miserable, unfunny wastes of time, but when you get a really good one, it is an inspiration to everyone else to keep trying.
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. His column runs on Wednesdays and Saturdays. He may be contacted at 328-1811, Ext. 279, or by e-mail at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.