Council Bluffs man loses well (Ras man well) 8.30.02

While you're barbecuing and enjoying the last three-day weekend of the summer that Labor Day is all about the struggles and triumphs of the working men and women of the United States who put their backs into it, build things, move things and keep America on top.
Listen to some Woody Guthrie or at least some Bruce Springsteen, read "The Jungle" or "The Grapes of Wrath," maybe rent "Norma Rae" or "Matewan." Then lift a glass to people who made sure the average American doesn't have live like an indentured servant and maybe lift one for yourself too. I know you will.

*****

And now for you Labor Day weekend entertainment. A story of one working man's search for glory based VERY loosely on read events that occurred last Tuesday night in Omaha
The following news story is a parable. It is also satirical, which means it tells a greater truth than the facts allow for i.e. the thing is made up.
Now that all our legal bases are covered ...
Growing old is a pain, a fact to which the "hero" of this story can testify.
It also teaches other great working class lessons such as "never let your mouth write a check the other end of you can't cash." "Never talk yourself into believing you are tougher than you really are" and "just because they sell it, doesn't mean you have to drink it."
Read on.

OMAHA, Neb. - Kevin "The Rasmanian Devil" Rasmussen, 34, of Council Bluffs was beaten into submission Tuesday night during an exhibition of Omaha Fight Club held at Club Amnesia in Omaha. Amateur fighters and members of the audience "faced off" in submission wrestling, kick boxing and no-holds-barred brawling for the entertainment of patrons. Fights lasted up to three rounds or nine minutes.
Rasmussen's fight lasted for two minutes and three seconds and was the second longest fight of the evening.
Going into the fight, Rasmussen said he had certain reservations about his chances for victory against his opponent, a much younger, leaner man.
"Going in, I knew I was gonna get my butt kicked," said Rasmussen, who thanked God profusely for allowing him to "survive at all" his match with four-time national college wrestling champion Rob "Choir Boy" Van Garcia, 22, of Hogswallow, Vermont.
Olsen registered a complete lack of surprise at his win, but did say his opponent was much "wilier and harder to pin down" than he anticipated.
"He kept running away, but it was still pretty much over before it started," said Olsen as he wiped Rasmussen's blood and tears from his wrestling shoes. "I took one look at this old guy and I reckoned I had him. Then I saw him smoke about a pack and half of Kools while talking to some fat guy and a couple ring girls. It was at that point I was just hoping I wouldn't accidentally kill him. There is nothing more embarrassing than to have an opponent stroke out while you have him in a full nelson. Oh and he made me promise to tell everybody he looked good getting beat, can I say that here?"
Greg Jerrett, 23, of Council Bluffs was Rasmussen's ring manager. Jerrett said he had "no fears at all" going into the match that Rasmussen was going to lose.
"I had no fears at all that Kevin was going to lose," Jerrett said. "I was absolutely certain he would lose, it was just a question of how fast and how bad. I'm just glad the other guy didn't get hurt when he was kicking Kevin in the ribs. He could have easily stubbed. Luckily, Rasmussen is soft. Poor Kevin, I mean, I threw the towel in kinda fast. I almost hit him with it. That terry cloth was kinda rough, no fabric softener or anything. He could have been killed! Oh, but he looked good getting his butt kicked. Is that OK, Kev?"
During the match, Rasmussen was visibly angered by the way in which Jerrett threw in the towel.
"I told Jerrett to throw in the towel at the FIRST sign I was going to lose, not wait to see how many times this wrestler could pick me up and drop me on my head," Rasmussen said with a boldness he lacked IN the ring. Wiping a tear from his good eye, Rasmussen said, "I could have really gotten hurt! Yumpin' yiminy, didn't he see me tapping out? TAP TAP TAP! I almost broke my fingers on the mat!"
Rasmussen then began writing furiously into a folder to make sure his Dungeons and Dragons character "got the experience points for this one."
Jerrett said he would have thrown in the towel sooner had the nachos he ordered for himself and the ring girls not arrived.
"Bad timing on my part, but to be fair to me, I didn't realize he was tapping out, I thought he was convulsing," said Jerrett wiping cheese from his fingers and placing them back on the ring girl. "I guess I was focused on those nachos. They were very good nachos. I can't be expected to pay attention EVERY time Kevin Rasmussen gets beat in a fight. I'm only human. I paid attention the first 30 or 40 times I saw it, but after that, well ... you've seen it, you know what I mean."
Rasmussen swore vengeance loudly before the crowd of nearly two dozen Nebraskans for the embarrassing public beating he received.
"If it is the last thing I do, I will have my revenge for this," Rasmussen said as Life Flight paramedics restrained him for take off. "Do you hear me, Jerrett? I will get you for this!"
Rasmussen is listed in stable condition though doctors say he will be unable to wear hats for some time.
Jerrett is currently hiding at an undisclosed location in the hills of Crescent. He communicates using only smoke signals, courier pigeons and a Nokia 5800 series cell phone so he can reassure Rasmussen almost daily that even though he had his butt kicked, he "looked good any way."
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. His column runs on Wednesdays and Saturdays. He may be contacted at 328-1811, Ext. 279, or by e-mail at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.