Hanauma Bay

This is just about my favorite place on the island of Oahu.
It's called Hanauma Bay. It's a beach inside an old collapsed
crater. To your left, it's open to the ocean. Just above those
white foamy breakers where the reefs are a little deeper is
where I almost drowned. I'm not a strong swimmer.
Those teal colored spots to the right are just like calm little
swimming pools, which is funny really 'cause they are the
same color as most municipal swimming pools. Not a coincidence,
I'm sure.

A Happy Christmas

Maury Xmas

Hell Yeah!

The Canary Effect Trailer

The 8-year-old's uncle weighs in

Download the new album for free at www.thebastardfairies.com

I Love The Bastard Fairies

The Bastard Fairies - Whatever

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Go here to download the album for free.

This band rocks. I am totally in love with Yellow Thunder Woman.

Does Wendy Murphy advocate child abuse?

And O'Reilly on the Kid ... Hilarious!

God is there nothing O'Reilly won't say or do in his own
self interest? He doesn't even say that the commercial
mentions him. Oh sure, let's use your little bully pulpit
to persecute a child actor's parents and act like you
give a damn about this kid. Oh, she's so abused. "She's
being used to spew propaganda!" Right.

O'Reilly is shameless self promoting jackass.

Kid on O'Reilly

This kid is so funny that I will definitely look into
buying the product for sale at the end.

Gee willickers, I sure hope I don't die in the next flu pandemic!

According to a CNN story, as many as
81 million people could die in the next
flu pandemic ... whenever that is. That
sure is a hell of a lot of people. The numbers
are based on the last flu pandemic which
occurred during World War I. Most people
aren't aware that 40 million people died
of influenza between 1918 and 1923 because
it was rather overshadowed by the war.

Dying of the flu has got to be one of the
shittiest ways to die I can think of. Sure, in
a fire or gut shot would hurt worse, but I'm
a massive pussy when I get the flu. All that
shitting and puking and sweating and aches
and fever. Ugh.

And yet, I still haven't gotten my flu shot
this year. Can you believe that? I came into
constant contact with the flu two years ago
without immunization and subconsciously
I feel like I am too tough for that kind of
thing. Of course, intellectually, I know I
need it. I shouldn't be messing around.

So if the pandemic ever comes, I'm sure I'll
be one of the first to go, but I assure you,
I will be taking "the cowards way out."

What is wrong with Maryland?

from KUTV.com:

Maryland 5-Year-Old Accused Of Pinching Buttocks

HAGERSTOWN, Md. A father in Maryland says his 5-year-old son knows nothing about sex, but the boy was written up for sexually harassing a kindergarten classmate.
Washington County school officials told Charles Vallance that his son pinched a girl's buttocks earlier this month in a hallway at Lincolnshire Elementary School. The school says that meets the state's definition of sexual harassment. Vallance says his son was only playing around and had no sexual intent.
School officials say the incident will remain in the boys file until he goes to middle school.
Citing state data, the (Hagerstown) Herald-Mail reports that 28 kindergarten students in Maryland were suspended for sex offenses in the last school year - 15 of those suspensions for sexual harassment.

from me:

what the hell is wrong with people? If a 5-year-old is
pinching butts, maybe he saw an adult do it and picked
up a bad habit. You sit him down and explain that he
shouldn't do that, give him a little guilt trip and send
him on his way with the normal amount of trauma
that comes from growing up in a sexually repressed
nation like ours.

No, we have to prosecute everyone to the fullest
extent of the law and that means let's label this kid a
pervert so that when he goes to middle school, he will
be known as the Kindergarten Rapist.

I take this kind of stuff personally because I was once
accused of a sex crime in grade school. One day, a few
of us boys (including two future homosexuals) and a
couple girls got it into our heads that a great twist on
tag would be to add bra snapping to it. Now, this wasn't
my idea, frankly, I believe that one of the girls did it
first then the boys jumped in.

As it happens, I was the only one busted for it. I refused
to name names and took the hit solo. I hate rats. But I
get this bad reputation from these overly sensitive adults
who like to project their own sexually dysfunctional values
onto children. I can tell you with all honesty that boobies
were the last thing on our minds. I don't think I even
noticed that the girls had bras before this.

Afterwards, if I so much as even thought about coming into
contact with the girls, it was like a federal case. And this
was back in 79 when mostly anything went. I can only
imagine how bad things have gotten since.

Miss USA's a Skank? Color Me Shocked

I think it's hilarious that this country can
get so worked up about the bad girl behavior
of Miss USA, Tara Conner. For God's sake, people,
she's a beauty pageant winner, not a nun. She
lives in freakin' New Jersey, not Mecca. So she
gets hammered and makes out with Miss Teen USA.
That's just hot. Am I really supposed to be
surprised that she isn't a paragon of virtue? Conner's
been a beauty queen since she was 6 or so. Her
entire life she's been judged primarily on her
appearance (don't give me any BS about the interview
and talent portions of these contests, it's all about
the flesh), she's young and attractive so why SHOULD
she act any differently than she has been what with
the drinking and slutting it up?

The only reason she should behave a certain way is
because she has a kind of employment contract, that's all.
As a winner of flesh admiring contest, she's supposed to
pretend for a year that she isn't a skank. I and the rest of
America don't depend on her for guidance. We don't look
up to her or her ilk. Most of us don't watch her pageant
and didn't know who she was until the news of her bad
behavior broke. So who really cares? Who is really affected?
Am I really supposed to be impressed with The Donald
for giving her a second chance? He's about a scumbag
any way. Can you imagine kissing that good night? I'd
much rather kiss Rosie O'Donnell while she's doing
her racist Chinese imitation.

What I'd really like to see is an honest contest. Miss Skank
USA or Miss Blue America. Let's be honest with ourselves
and our pageantry. No one tunes in to admire these women
for being 50s style icons. It's soft porn and that's it.

The Adventures of Draft Dodger in the 21st Century

W and his Secretary of Veteran Affairs, Jim Nicholson,
have been screwing with us for the last week hinting
how much they'd like to reinstate the draft. Bush
said at a press conference that we need to figure
out some way to increase our troop size ... somehow.

Somehow, he says, with shit-eating grin. The same
grin I'm sure Nero had when he burned Rome because
the people didn't like him enough. I can fully
imagine Bush deliberately trying to torture a
population that has, in his opinion, lost its resolve.

Lucky for us, he's a pussy and a politico who knows
that as low as his numbers are now, they'd actually
dip below zero if he started plucking sons from their
mother's bosom to die for oil. I do say sons here
exclusively because the day the United States starts
drafting women will never come. And rightly so. Sexist
or not, it isn't pragmatic since they are the ones
who carry the babies, an important post-war necessity.

Of course, the ultimate irony is that our president is
a draft dodging piece of chickenhawk shit. But no one
expects him to get irony. "That's like coppery or woody,
ain't it?"

WTF is this good for?!

Like I always say, the world is wild at heart
and crazy on top.

What I want to know is how do you develop
this skill? Sure, by sticking snakes up
your nose, but what is the exact process
--you know, mentally -- by which one
reaches the decision to try and get good
at something like this? Who is it good for?
The snake? The guy with the huge nostrils?
The people looking on in shock and horror
of many shades?

Quick rule of thumb, if it won't get you
laid, it probably isn't worth doing. Trying
to jump the Grand Canyon in a jet car? Stupid
as hell, but would it get you stuck into a
blond sandwich? Hell yes... once you healed
up and if you didn't have an ED problem after.

Even the stuff David Blaine does works on chicks.
To be honest, it isn't THAT hard. But snakes in
the nose? Maybe it's a voodoo thing, in which case
if I could get some of that Angel Heart Lisa Bonet
action, I'd consider it.

This one makes me shrivel: The Krofft Super Show

Children should not have been allowed
to watch this one. But I think I've figured
out why I've forgotten most of these shows.
It was just too traumatic watching this shit.

Remember this? The Lost Saucer

Man, this is totally like a recovered memory.
I literally forgot about the existence of this
show. If you had asked me about it five minutes
ago, I would have thought you were making it up.
Now I can tell you it was about a couple of
time travellers in a flying saucer and they
went some place different every week and couldn't
get these kids back home. Crazy.

Remember this? Far Out Space Nuts

"I said lunch, not launch!" Oh Gilligan,
you stupid dildo! Was there anything Sid
and Marty Krofft couldn't turn into a
shitty but bizarrely entertaining children's
show? The phrase above has stuck in my
head for years. Some of you may have even
heard me say it and wonder what the hell
it meant. Well, here is where it comes from.

I call BULLSHIT on this, Time

Since the 20s, Time Magazine has nominated a man or a person of
the year. It was a unique way to mark a moment in history. It
wasn't always a popular choice. It wasn't always a good guy.
But it was always someone.

This year, Time decided to piss all that integrity away in order to
make the kind of schmooze play I would have expected from a
shit-heel small town newspaper run by some Rotary Club fuck.
This year's person of the year is YOU. That's right. You, me, him,
her, that guy. All of us. Just folks. There's a big mirror on the cover
of the magazine and, man, it has all the class of a carnival prize.

But instead of trying to blow up a balloon by shooting a water pistol
into a clown's mouth to win this novelty item, you can just buy it for
few bucks at the newsstand. I have no doubt that this will be one of
the best-selling issues of Time ever. Fuck the issue with Hitler on
the cover, even hayseeds who've never heard of Time let alone read
it will be buying these up to hang them on their walls this Christmas
season. What a joke.

In a world with this much shit going on in it, Time really should have
picked a newsmaker. How about Kim Jung Il? Or Saddam Hussein?
Even if they wanted to make a statement about the common man, they
could have put The Blogosphere on the cover at least it would have
been a statement of some kind.

What I'm Up to Today

1. getting a haircut


2. donating to the Salvation Army


3. doing laundry


4. writing a porn script featuring my friend's racist mom


5. Christmas shopping

Rug or Not a Rug?

Rug or Not a Rug?

Rug or Not a Rug?

SNL then and now

People like to go on about how Saturday Night

Live is just not as funny as it was "..." And "..." could be in

reference to the dog days of Kevin Nealon doing the news

or Chris Farley showing everyone his butt crack for all it
matters. Point is, every year since I can remember, people

act like the show is just so much worse than it was in the past,

but the truth is that even when the original cast was doing their

thing, you could easily see some of the same symptoms of

crappiness that you see today.

For example, one of the first sketches on SNL -- maybe THE

first sketch -- was one of the writers and John Belushi sitting

on stage. Belushi pretended to be a foreigner, the other guy

was teaching him mildly amusing phrases in English. Belushi

sounded like Andy Kaufman.Then after a few phrases, he

pretends to keel over with a heart attack. "Live from New York

it's Saturday Night!" Wow, that was awesome. And how about

this for beating a dead horse. Belushi's samurai character

was about a one-trick dead pony that amounted to Belushi

going "hoobadadoo, huddadubbaduhduh" really fast like

fake Japanese and whipping out his sword every now and

then to chop a salami or a sleeve off depending on what

samurai profession he was riffing on that week: samurai

tailor, samurai deli counter guy, samurai accountant.

Dan Ackroyd's Jimmy Carter imitation was almost as bad

as his Richard Nixon imitation and Chevy Chase's Gerald

Ford imitation was just Chevy Chase acting like an idiot and

falling down at the end of the sketch. The political content

wasn't as sharp as it is today and the last half hour of the show

has always sucked.

The musical guests were better, but that is because they

were genuinely talented people and not just "artists" like

Ashley Simpson who clearly pay to get on the show. It

is NOT talent that brings you back for a second attempt

after you've been busted lip-syncing, that's for sure.

I'd put Tina Fey and Amy Poehler up against Jane Curtain

and Lorraine Newman any day of the week. Hell, I'd put Tina

Fey up against Norm MacDonald, Dennis Miller or Chevy
Chase at the news desk.

Dana Carvey, though not my cup of tea, did some very
good work and was wildly popular. During what most
people would admit were some bleak years, Eddie
Murphy was just about the only bright spot in a cast
that tried hard but couldn't live up to expectations.
And remember, when they got rid of everyone on
the show's second incarnation but two people, they
kept Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscapo because he
was the money back then.

This is not to say that SNL was not ground-breaking
in it's early days. It was. Even if they were just
flinging poo at politicos, that kind of thing hadn't
really been done on TV in quite that way before.

So I tend to watch SNL with a grain of salt. If they
do one or two things I find genuinely hilarious, I
figure job well done.

Technology Will Keep Us Together/Tear Us Apart

Dear Bloggie Sue,

Why is is that in our age of technological connectivity

we are more isolated as individuals than ever before?

Signed,

Sitting Alone in my Apartment Watching Porn I Ordered

through my digical (sic) cable box

Dear Sitting Alone,

First of all, you don't actually have to type "signed" on a

letter, that's just what people say when they read a letter

aloud. Secondly, man is by his very nature a social creature.

Yet we crave freedom and independence as much as we

crave that connection to other people. When the loner sits

at home watching his favorite TV show, he gets the same

social buzz as hanging out with people who can actually

see him. The cast of "Friends" felt like real friends to many

people who cared about their characters. It was a placebo

affect created by the intimacy of television. This technology

is not far removed from our Internet experience in which we

can "meet" people online, We aren't actually meeting anyone.

In some ways, we aren't really even communicating. We could

be talking to a computer in some instances and not know the

difference.

Personally, I think our economy pushes up toward "independent"

living. One family per household maximizes the amount of crap

we have to buy. If we lived in a house with extended family, which

was much closer to the norm prior to WWII, then several families

could actually share a fridge and a stove, maybe a car. But

somewhere along the line, we were all convinced that we should

want to live alone rather than with the annoyances of the human

tribe. I don't think this is our natural state.

Human beings are full of neuroses and dichotomies. We want to

be alone even when we are lonely because being alone in a crowd

makes us feel even lonelier. We prefer the company of technology

because we can pick it up and put it down as soon as we're done

with it.

I don't think we really use technology to connect with people so

much as we use it to maintain the house of cards which is our

isolation. And it's only going to get worse.

Crimbo Limbo

Christmas time is here (cue the music), but you'd hardly know it

looking around my gaff. First off, I don't have one decoration let

alone a tree. I bought some "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

ornaments a few years back, but I haven't dug them out since

the first year. I just don't feel like Christmas, man. It's nearly

60 out most days. I haven't worn a coat once this year. I haven't

bought any presents. I haven't seen any snow. But more significant

than all of that is that I just don't have the vibe. I've got eight days

left to get into the spirit and at this point, I'd have to start main-lining

Christmas specials to feel anything by the big day.

Suffice it to say I'm loathing the very idea of shopping at this point.

It's not the spending I mind or even the effort so much. I like to buy

people things they would like. That makes me happy-ish. I just hate

the throngs of people running about like a bunch of God damned

animals with credit cards. Luckily for me, the crowds aren't quite as

bad at bookstores because there is still this kind of library aura

around even the corporate stores which makes people shut the hell

up and slow down a little. Not the kids of course, but then bookstores

mostly don't interest the same kids who find mall crawling around

Target of interest.

I'm really kicking myself for missing the online buying express this

year. If I'd just sat down in front of Amazon this year as in year's

past, I would have had everything mailed out to me a week ago.

Now I'm screwed.

I like to actually put some thought into a present. Nothing more

disappointing than getting a present that it looks like someone

just picked it off the shelf at WalMart just so they could cross

you off the list and get you out of the way so they could get to

shopping for someone they actually give a shit about. This year,

I might just give everyone a delicious and pricey bottle of

Romulo olive oil infused with garlic. Dude, it's so good, you'd freak.

You just pour some out into a dish and sop it up with bread and

you just can't stop eating the stuff. It's liquid gold. Maybe not

a huge bundle of cash outlay, but at least I know they like it.

Maybe I should just buy everyone some meat. I know they like

meat. I wonder how much a half of beef is? Then everyone could

just go pick up a roast or some t-bones whenever they feel like it

and think fondly every time they cut into one, "What a nice gift."

Bad Driving

Here's a peeve, won't call it a pet, but it makes me peevish

when I'm trying to get somewhere ... especially on a Sunday.

People seem to have no kinesthetic awareness when they

are driving. Two cars driving side by side doing exactly the

speed limit in the only two lanes available while 10 cars line

up behind them praying for a chance to pass is my peeve.

Stagger that shit people, it's simple. It's not only simple

it's safer. You are much more likely to get into an accident

while driving right next to some unknown quantity than if

you are two car lengths ahead or behind it. It gets you

out of harms way or gives you more reaction time. What

are you gonna do if some sack careens into you from the

right or left? Nothing, that's what.

Now you add into that equation the number of people

lining up behind you who would have to slam on their breaks

or slam into your ass and it behooves you to step on it or at

least let the guy next to you go faster thus creating a space

through which other cars might pass. But people don't do

that. Watch them next time, it's like a sickness. People will

actually adjust their speed a bit here and there just to stay

alongside other drivers. I believe this is based on some

psychological need to be a part of the herd. And as goes

traffic, so goes politics. In fact, I bet you find more

"moderates" who plug up traffic than conservatives or

liberals who, think what you will about their politics, are

not just sitting on the pot. They are definitely shitting.

Lifetime Movie Titles of the Week

Entertaining Angels: The Dorothy Day Story
(Bio) 1996 PG-13 CC The human-rights activist helps the poor in the 1900s. **

Dying to Be Perfect: The Ellen Hart Pena Story
(Doc) 1996 NR TV-PG CC An Olympic hopeful dates the mayor of Denver and hides her bulimia until becoming pregnant. **

Calendar Girl, Cop, Killer? The Bambi Bembenek Story
(Doc) 1992 NR TV-14 CC The saga of a colorful Milwaukee woman convicted in 1982 for killing her husband's ex-wife. **+

Triumph Over Disaster: The Hurricane Andrew Story
(Doc) 1993 NR TV-PG CC A Miami weatherman broadcasts during a storm. *+

Gift of Love: The Daniel Huffman Story
(Drama) 1999 NR TV-PG CC A teen makes his ailing grandmother an offer.

The Fast Food Paradigm

Dr. J,

Why can't fast food be made healthy? And why has the cost of

fast food not inflated over the years the way other things have?

Sincerely,

Buy-Curious

Dear Buy,

Fast food could be made good for you, but no one would eat it.

Good food is available to you right now. Go buy a bag of carrots

and munch on those until your craving for something hot, smothered

with cheese and mayonnaise or ranch sauce with a name like

Santa Fe or Triple overtakes you.

The main reason fast food is bad for you is economics. The goal of

fast food is to make money, not to nourish you. A good burger

made with a quarter pound of meat or more, quality bun and fixin's

would easily run you $6 bucks without the fries and drink. A typical

fast food cheeseburger is about 1/10 of a pound of ground beef. You'd

have to be very tiny to get anything out of that. So in order to make a

tiny amount of meat taste like it just came off the grill, you have to

screw with it ... hard core. A little salt and pepper will just not do. You

need some serious punch to taste anything. Don't believe me? Go to

the store and buy a pound of the

best hamburger you can find. Get some of that good Angus beef everyone

is talking about these days. Then divide the pound 10 ways, flatten one of

those patties out flat, fry it and eat it on a bun with ketchup mustard pickle

onion. Now, if you can taste that meat and find it remotely enjoyable, I'll

kiss you straight on the lips.

The fast food industry is not like the restaurant business. Oh sure, they

cook stuff and clean stuff and you eat there, but the real distinction is in

quality. A real restaurant wants to provide the customer with a great dining

experience as well as make some cash. Fast food is all about the money.

It is a for-profit endeavor in which all aspects of the business are set forth

to separate you from your money. Fat, sugar and caffeine are all very

addictive substances. High carb, high calorie meals make your blood

sugar spike and then drop. When it drops, you get hungry and when you

get hungry, you are going to crave that very same stuff that drove your

blood sugar up in the first place. The industry knows this and designs its

menus around the concept.

I never used to eat at McDonald's at all. I was a Burger King man. But I started

eating at Mickey D's because it was free (actually, I was stealing from a

McDonald's Express at the ISU Student Union ... they just didn't care what

happened there). After a while, I started craving their food. I'd have an

eggamuffin or a double cheeseburger for breakfast and by lunch time I'd

want another (luckily it was even easier to steal at lunchtime). Granted this

isn't a massive scientific example but as anecdotal evidence goes, it's

pretty good. Why would anyone get hooked on food they otherwise found

a bit dull when compared to similar items from other burger joints?

The only way this paradigm will shift is if Americans suddenly get a mad

hankering for fresh food that isn't BURSTING with flavor but tastes good

in the traditional sense. Learn to love the taste of a fresh tomato or some

fresh baby spinach. Even a nice fresh pork chop or chicken breast that

wasn't soaked in saltwater solution before being quick frozen in a three

pound bag. Until we do, we are not just feeding ourselves, but the monster

as well.

Why Space?

Matt Duncan writes:

Dear Fat Ass,

I was watching the director's cut of "The Abyss" the other day

instead of spending quality time with my children when a

question occurred to me: Why do we spend all this money

to explore outer space when there is still so much here on

Earth -- like the ocean floor -- to explore? Wouldn't it be cool

to live in an underwater city like Aquaman and shit?

Sincerely,

Matt "Hosed in the Big O" Duncan

Dear Hosed,

The fact of the matter is -- and I know this from 43 years of "Doctor Who"

episodes -- that the human race is not likely to survive if it does not move

into outer space. The oceans are a great mystery and believe me when I

tell you that a great deal of underwater exploration does indeed go on. One

fascinating fact about underwater exploration that not a lot of people realize

is that the deeper one dives, the greater the pressure of all those tons

of water pressing down. Even automated equipment, robots with cameras

and some simple instruments are just crushed before they can transmit

anything of real interest back to the surface.

Another sad but true fact is that the Earth is either dying or changing fast

enough that even if we moved into the oceans, we'd still end up dead. If

the oceans die, we don't do any better in them than out of them. But I

would be the first one to admit that an underwater hotel/resort would rock

harder than Cheap Trick Live at the Budokan.

Either way, there's plenty of exploration dollars to go around, especially

since most of what we are doing in space is putting spy satellites and

orbital weapons platforms into place

Ad Astra

The End of the Hook Up

Interesting blog post about the nasty side effects of "the hook-up" culture.

When I was a lad, I dreamed of living in a society in which women were

as committed to screwing around as were men. Imagine my surprise when

a mere 15 years later when I was too old to really take part in the orgiastic

revels.

Now it turns out that there really was a good reason all along for women

to be much more selective and committed in their sexual behavior besides

fear of pregnancy and STDs. Studies are now showing that there can be

psychological side effects to giving it up too easy. Hit it and quit it without

some kind of committment or genuine intimacy leads to depression,

suicidal ideation, cutting and other harmful behavior.

Men and women are just wired a little differently but we are so hell bent on

believing that they should be equal in all things that we ignore that sometimes

equal doesn't mean the same in all things. After a meaningless encounter,

men get no hormonal urge to linger. It could be argued that we have

some urge to get gone quick. Women actually get something out of

being cuddled with that helps keep them sane. It's true. I've seen

girls raised in the MTV culture who were absolutely convinced that they

were living in a historical period significantly different from everythin in

the past.

"Oh Greg, you just don't uinderstand how things are today," one said to me.

As though I were not myself alive and kicking in the late 90s and early 00s.

Withing two years of beginning a hedonistic lifestyle that would have made

Caligula blush, she was abusing durgs and alcohol, cutting herself, suicidal

and anorexic. So much for sexual freedom.

She's living clean these days and part of that includes a steady beau

and some old-fashioned love. Who'da thunk that would work?

Smallville is not worth watching

I haven't watched the WB/CW show "Smallville" since season one.

The reason is it's just another Superman soap opera only slightly

better than Lois & Clark. Rule of thumb for me is, if my mom

and sister like a superhero movie, chances are I won't. Superheroes

aren't about romantic interludes and will they are won't they plotlines.

Superheroes are about good vs. evil, men and women in cool costumes

kicking the crap out of bad people and making us all feel that there is

a higher purpose to which we should all be committed.

All they do on CW is ponder about how sexy everyone is and titilate

us with missed moments of intimacy. I want to see Superman fly so

fast it hurts so he can stop a jet from crashing into a football stadium.

I want to see Spider-man overcome his personal problems to stop

a subway train from going off the rails. I want to see Batman outsmart

ancient evil while shoving a batarang up its doo-doo hole. I don't

care what Lois Lane, Mary Jane or Vicki Vale know, don't know or

care about. I kind of care what Superman, Spider-man and Batman

think about them because it adds depth to their character if they

deny themselves love to keep their paramours safe but these

objects of affection are not the main focus of the heroic journey.

The Weak and the Meek

"Don't you shake your God damn head at me
you runty piece of shit or I'll shove you
back inside your mama's cooch until you're
big enough to have your ass kickked properly."

I never could stand little fellas with a
chip on their shoulders. Always runnin'
around like they got something to prove.
I don't know, maybe they do, but why is it
always to me?

I've had one or two buddies a little under
the norm when it came to height, but I never
thought of them as different or special unless
they screwed with me. Then nature took its
course I reckon. I mean, you got to be a little
on the stupid side to mess with someone whose
bigger than you whether he's your friend or not.
The pecking order exists for a reason and even
though I'm a big guy I've found myself on the
lower end of it plenty just because I've never
liked to fight or get into pissing contests with anybody
and that includes friends. I don't like it because when
it starts I don't back down and I will piss until I win.
I've always got a nuclear option ready to deploy.

You know, when you're a kid and you get to wrestling
with your friends, it's fun until somebody gets hurt. And
somebody always gets hurt. Then suddenly you're a bad
guy who plays too rough when the truth is you've been
pulling your punches and playing at half strength and letting
the little guys win once in a while since you were 5.

Now, what gets me is how many pussies will actually think
they beat you. More likely, they know they didn't beat you
but think everyone else watching thinks that you did and
they run with it. So next time around they lose. And they little
guys never have to hold back. A kid 20-30 pounds lighter than
you might well be able to hit you full on and not knock you down,
but it still hurts when he sticks his bony elbow in your ribs in
imitation of some pro-wrestling superstar.

So you can pull your punches all you want, but physics will
eventually prevail. And it's about that point that I start
looking like a sociopath. I was never as lithe or confident in
my body as the other kids who could go balls out, so I was
never able to grow into my bigness. I was just a moose.
So I opted out until someone needed an anchor for tug o' war.

Ironically, I have a chip on my should like a lot of little guys
thewe days. I never pull my punches any more. If you step to me,
I don't care if you're 3-feet tall or 7 1/2, I'm taking you down by
whatever means are required. That usually means something
other than fisticuffs these days. It usually calls for a combination
of a cutting wit and intimidation. You can throw Oscar Wilde
off his game if he thinks the exchange of barbs is going to break
down into brouhaha. Fear of imminent ass-beating can throw
even the most erudite wordsmith off his game leaving him
primed for a verbal routing.

It's funny how things turn out. I've been picked on by little
guys more times than I can count and any example of me defending
myself is looked upon with scorn. What a fucked up world where the
meek are condemned for defending themselves from the weak.

This is Why People Hate Cops pt 3

Cops get away with murder because we let them.
The guy in your high school who couldn't wait to
kick a little ass or get involved in other people's
fights while pretending he was doing it for valorous
reasons when really he was just a tool... that guy
wants to be a cop. He wants to be a cop because he
thinks it's the job of cops to drive around intimidating
people and keeping order through fear. They are
typically unimaginative to the point where they think
it's cool to break the law if it gets them close enough
to someone they can label a criminal so they can
look like a hero.

It is no surprise to me that so many serial killers have
a fascination with law enforcement and often try to become
cops. They are most often cut from the same cloth, have the
same background of abuse, anti-social tendencies and
disdain for the common man.

I played my little traffic stop perfectly. It's funny to me
to see a cop try so hard to get someone who hasn't done
anything wrong to cross the line so he can "legitimately"
give them a ticket. What did he think I was gonna do, start
ranting like a damn mad man just so he could justify slapping
the cuffs on me? I reckon I can't hardly blame the stupid
animal, it probably works on a certain percentage of the
population who, angry for all the right reasons, express
it in the worst possible way at the worst possible time.

The only regret I have is that I didn't ask for the pig's name
and badge number. Cops have bosses too and they don't like
having to discipline a "brother pig" because some scumbag
"citizen" made some noise, threatened them with the other
kind of legal action or unwanted press attention. Both of which --
and I cannot stress this enough -- are totally appropriate
measures to keep cops in line. Someone has GOT to watch
the watchmen. Cops are NOT the law, they are security
guards paid to keep the peace and uphold the Constitution
of the United States. If and when they fail, they are no better
than the criminals they are paid to wrangle. In my opinion, they
are worse for having betrayed the public trust.

This is Why People Hate Cops pt 2

So there I am, sitting on the shoulder waiting for this
piece of shit cop to squeeze his ass out of his cruiser
and waddle up to my window because I was flippin'
ready for his ass. Purposely driving like a madman
just to entice a motorist is crossing the line. I'm sure
this dipshit gets away with this crap all the time because
most people get a little irritated while driving ESPECIALLY
when someone almost causes an accident. Then a cop
accuses them of being aggressive and they feel sheepish
and admit to whatever the cop wants to lay on them.
Either that or they get righteously pissed off and understandably
agitated and the cop once again gets away with it.

I don't fall for that.

So here's what really gets me. This pig comes up to my
window and instead of asking for my papers says, "Did
you need something?" That's the biggest dick move there
is. I know because I've used it myself when some impatient
jackass honked at me to get a move on in a parking lot or
something when I'd be moving if it were safe to proceed. But
I'm not a cop who took an oath to uphold the law who has some
obligation to be a bit of a professional.

"Do I need something? Yeah, I needed you to merge."

"Well, the horn is only supposed to be used in case of an
emergency. I can show you the code if you'd like."

"Well I guess the emergency is that I thought you were
going to cause an accident."

"May I see your license, registration and proof of insurance,
please ... sir."

It was that little slur on sir that erased any lingering
doubts I had about what kind of cop I was dealing with.
You see, cops are all the same. I know one or two I like,
but even so, 99% of all cops think they are themselves
the law. They think anyone who is out after dark has
to be drunk or muling drugs in their ass. They think
nothing of entrapment or pushing the limits of what is
acceptable. They'd love to be able to search us all, shake
us down and incarcerate everyone because only in that
police state will the world be a good and decent place.

No matter how bad a dude I might think myself, the
truth is, I don't do a God damn thing. I don't do drugs.
I rarely drink or even go out. I once clocked a dude at
a midnight screening of "The Goonies," but he hit me
first. Still I tend to think of myself as guilty of something
all the time because that's just how I was raised. It's more
of an existential crisis than anything.

So I grab my license and get my registration from the
glove box. I just got my proof of insurance last week
and threw it on the passenger seat in the envelope. So
I start opening the envelope and I get this from the
cop:

"You seem kind of agitated, sir."

"Really?!"

"Well, your ripping things up and throwing them
around the car," he said trying to offer misleading
audio description for the video tape camera in his car
which couldn't actually see what's going on.

"I'm opening the envelope that contains my insurance
card ... officer."

By this time, Pigboy has got to know he's not dealing
the average bear. He's tried baiting me and distorting
potential evidence. It's a real sham and while my anger
was there beneath the surface, on top, I was all Zen.
I mean, how else do you open an envelope? You rip paper,
am I right.

So here we are just lingering. I'm showing no fear and giving
no excuses. The "witty" banter portion of this sham of a traffic
stop seems to be over.

"I won't give you a ticket this time. Be careful getting back
the interstate and remember to wear you seat belt."

"Oh thank you ... officer ... I really appreciate it," I said
dripping with sarcasm (in case the italics above didn't
translate my contempt effectively enough).

It was at that point that I should have asked for the fucker's
name and badge number, but like most people I just wanted
to get the hell on my way, you know. I wasn't really surprised
that he didn't give me a ticket though, even though I wasn't
wearing my seat belt. And I'll tell you why that is in part 3.

[to be cont'd]

This is Why People Hate Cops pt 1

I had to wait a couple days to write this one up.
Frankly, I'm still pissed off in spite of the fact
that I clearly won out in the end.

I was driving home the other night around 11:15 p.m.
when I passed this interstate on-ramp near S. 24th St.
in Council Bluffs. Some jerk off was on the on ramp not
trying hard enough to merge or yield. I had a semi
on my left and couldn't get over. Rather than try and
go balls out to speed up, I figured I slow down and let
this guy merge, but as I slowed down, he slowed down.
Now in my experience, this can happen once because
legally the oncoming traffic is supposed to yield. Still
it seemed prudent to slow down further so I did. And this
jackass slowed down as well keeping pace with me. I kept
thinking, "Why won't this asshole merge?" I slowed down
once more and so did he. By this time it looked like he
just wasn't going to merge so I stepped on it. And guess
what? He steps on it, pulls right in front of me and hits
his breaks.

It was at that point that this fuck turns on his lights
and sirens and I am PISSED OFF. I couldn't figure out for
the life of me why that guy wouldn't merge. I'm not a bad
driver. I go a little fast sometimes, but I am always
watching the cars around me looking to see who is doing
what and why. I can usually tell who is going to do what
by the way they are driving. It's like game theory. People
tend to lean this way and that when they are driving. They
usually try to go balls out to merge or slow down a bit as
they are looking and in retrospect, I can tell you with
complete confidence that this asshole cop was deliberately
trying to start some shit. He was clearly trying to provoke
a motorist into honking at him or doing something he could
describe as "aggressive."

Thing is, as pissed off as I get, I'm usually pretty good
about controlling myself in the face of authority, especially
when I know that the "authority figure" involved is a complete
fucking douche bag more criminal than cop who's trying to provoke
me. I know, from many years of experience, that nothing pisses
these lowlife cops off more than not playing into it.

[to be cont'd]

Colbert/Stewart '08

'Sky falling,' says local chicken (Spring, 2004)

I've said this before, but when Time Magazine does a cover
story on it, it lends me some credibility. Americans will
worry themselves to death over asteroids, killer bees and
Satanic cults while ignoring, denying and dismissing serious
issues like global warming, pollution and political corruption.
They will have a fit over gay marriage while their president
gets away with lying about a war that has killed thousands.
They panic about avian flu, west Nile and ebola but won't
get a flu shot.

Here's what I said on the subject a couple years ago:

'Sky falling,' says local chicken

Whether you know it or not, we are all extremely lucky
to be alive this week. Oh sure, that might be true any
old week, but this week, every single man, woman and
child should sigh an extra sigh of relief because an asteroid
flew so close to the earth last week that it very nearly
took out a few weather satellites on its way by. Now
that's close.

The asteroid, 2004 FH, was about 100-feet in diameter,
which doesn't sound very big at all. Truth be told, it isn't
very big, but even a good-sized bullet is only about a half-
inch wide. Speed is what does the damage. Objects just a
little smaller than a school bus explode in the upper
atmosphere all the time, but anything a few feet bigger
would get much closer to the earth before going POP and
taking out an area the size of a small city - maybe even a
small city itself if it went POP over one.

2004 FH had only about a 25 percent chance of hitting the
earth, but what I'd like to know is why the percentages?
Yes or no, people, what's the problem?

The problem with an asteroid that is about the size of a
school bus is 1) it is hard to see in the vastness of space,
so we almost never know one is coming until a couple
months before it gets done doing whatever it is it's going
to do. 2) It is hard to judge the actual size of objects that
far away so "about the size of a school bus could mean
anything from tour bus-sized to VW Beetle-sized to "Oops,
I think I need to change my pants"-sized. 3) Objects flying
in space at variable speeds change courses so much that
astronomers are basically odds makers. 4) There is nothing
we can do about asteroids any way so why bother worrying
about it?

According to an article on SPACE.com by Robert Roly Britt,
"... there is no established chain of command to the White
House in relation to possible asteroid impacts, nor is there
any plan for what government agencies should do regarding
possible evacuations or emergency preparations."

And guess what? The only reason we think we need one is
because of a few movies that came out in the 1990s that made
everyone paranoid that the Earth could be smacked at any
given moment by giant space rocks.

The boring truth is we really don't need a contingency plan
for asteroids because it wouldn't work anyway. Oh sure, in
the popular imagination, we do. But then enough people have
watched "American Idol" to make it last three seasons. So
much for the popular imagination.

The Earth hasn't been hit by an asteroid in a long time. We
are probably due to get nailed sometime relatively soon in
geological terms, but that could still mean millions of years.
Space is big. Real big. It's like, take the biggest thing you ever
saw and multiply that by a hundred thousand million times
and it's still nothing compared to just how really big space is.
It's inconceivable because it cannot be conceived.

According to Britt's article, "NASA spends a modest $3.5
million per year as part of the Spaceguard Survey search
for large asteroids, the sort that could cause global damage,
including a global 'winter' that might last years and could kill
off some species and possibly threaten civilization. Were one
of these objects bigger than 0.6 miles (1 kilometer) found to
be on an Earth-impact trajectory, scientists agree the warming
time would almost certainly be years or decades."

Hooray for our side. Now when the end is nigh, we can sweat
about it for years before realizing we were wrong.

With smaller asteroids, there is no way of telling where they
are going to strike once they hit the atmosphere and start
spinning. A few days out and scientists could still only say
2004 FH had about a 25 percent chance of hitting us. Thank
God it wasn't cloudy!

Now, let's say we do find out that in 30 years, a planet-killer
is coming. What are we supposed to do about it? There's not
much we COULD do since we are still basically a bunch of
primitive troglodytes who are WAY TOO IMPRESSED by
our cell phones. We need to make the future happen. Even
in several episodes of "Star Trek" where this plot actually
occurred, it proved very difficult to destroy or divert an
asteroid. And that's like 300 years away, man. They've
got phasers, tractor beams and powerful starships. What
do we have? Little, tiny rovers about the size of a go-cart.
We're screwed, man.

So this last "scare" has prompted NASA to take action.
Move over, Vin Diesel. Sit down, The Rock. Here comes
NASA! The big plan? The next time astronomers see a big,
old asteroid of any merit coming our way, they are going to
tell somebody. Hey, that's great.

Could we start building some spaceships, please? When I was
a kid, the future was supposed to be cool groove replete with
jet packs and flying cars. I don't think we've even cured any
major diseases since I was a kid let alone tackled some of the
issues facing the planet on a daily basis like making a car that
runs on hydrogen instead of fossil fuels. That would be nice.
Frankly, if we want to do something about the potential
destruction of the Earth, we should be worrying about
pollution, global warming, nuclear proliferation, over-population,
mass extinction and our dying oceans. Asteroids are just an
excuse to ignore real problems on Earth that are too hard to
bother with.
- You wanna rock? Here ya go. Tonight, Council Bluffs steps
20 minutes into the future as Storytellers at Barley's starts
in earnest at 7 p.m. Poets Matt Mason, Chad Lilly and Rick
LaFerla are lined up as is blues guitarist John Watt and Joe
Lidgett. Councilman Matt Walsh has a story I know the Hon.
Tom H. won't want to miss. You know you have stories, poems,
lyrics and anecdotes to share so play that funky music already,
white boy! Just remember, a big rock could fall from space and
kill us all in an instant, have you lived enough yet?
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. His column runs on
Wednesdays and Saturdays. He may be reached at 325-5746,
or at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.

Separating Art from the Artist

This Michael Richards soul-explosion has got me thinking.
I really don't want to be a part of dragging this thing out
for any longer myself, but I cannot help but be reminded of
something one of my profs once said about Hemingway during
the height of the late 80s PC backlash against the white male
misogynistic literary canon. He said that Hemingway did a lot
of things in his life that were all sorts of macho and maybe even
chauvinistic, but what we had to do was separate the art
from the artist. When you do that, Hemingway is an incredibly
sensitive writer with many great female characters that we
sympathize with. That isn't in spite of Hemingway, it's
because of him.

I bring this up in relation to Michael Richards because more
than a few people in the blogosphere have said they will not
be able to watch "Seinfeld" again without thinking of his rant.
I'm torn because his rant was nasty and leaves a bad taste in
my mouth, but I can honestly say that no show ever made me
laugh as hard "Seinfeld" and no one was funnier on that show
than Richards. So is it possible to separate the art from the
artist? To hate the guy whose work makes us laugh? In this case,
I honestly don't know. But I do believe that it's possible.

There is a prime example in the Volkswagen. One can argue
that it is one of the most prominent symbols of peace and flower
power from the 60s. You don't even need to slap a flower on
one of these things to think that whoever is driving one, is
probably a hippie. But did you know that the VW owes a good
part of its creation to two people? One is Ferdinand Porsche and
the other is Adolf Hitler. It's true. Now, I'm not saying that Michael
Richards is a Nazi, nor am I saying anyone should force themselves
to watch his antics if they find him truly disturbing. I am
making a case though for making room in one's own neurotic
little mind for two Michael Richards: the one you hate and the
one you loved watching as Kramer. That makes one no more
of a racist than it makes the armies of hippies who drove VW Beetles
Nazis.

Sad Sunday

This is an excerpt from an article by
Brent Budowsky called "Sad Sunday:
Iraq War Longer Than World War Two"
on Huffington Post. It's pithy!

It was not democracy to seek to install Mr. Chalabi as leader of Iraq after an American invasion. Mr. Chalabi's relationship to freedom and democracy in Iraq was zero. He would have been a leader in Iraq with no support within Iraq, installed by Americans, with the result that would only help the Iranian mullahs.

It was not democracy to raise false fears to drive America to war and spy on Americans who opposed those policies.

It was not democracy to establish an Iraq Reconstruction Authority that was run by an American with the attitude of a Roman Proconsul.

It was not democracy to install political hacks in key reconstruction positions, then allow some of the greatest greed, corruption and incompetence in the history of capitalism.

It was not democracy to steal and waste money that was meant to build hospitals and schools, so some made fortunes, while troops gave their lives and Iraqis suffered unendurable misery.

It was not democracy to peddle lies to promote fear to push for war that corrupted even the front page of the New York Times. It was not democracy to promote propaganda to peddle war that corrupted the intolerant editorial pages of the Washington Post. Nor was it democracy to accuse newspapers of treason when they belatedly printed truth.

It was not democracy to have a Vice President almost universally seen as the free world's leading advocate for torture. It was not democracy to try to keep this torture secret.

It was not democracy force out the Chief of Staff of the Army for daring to speak the truth and it was not democracy to force out the Navy lawyer who won a historic case for justice before the United States Supreme Court.

It was not democracy to hold secret White House meetings with oil company lobbyists where insiders passed around maps of Iraqi oil fields. It was not democracy to seek to install Mr. Chalabi as leader of Iraq after an American invasion. Mr. Chalabi's relationship to freedom and democracy in Iraq was zero. He would have been a leader in Iraq with no support within Iraq, installed by Americans, with the result that would only help the Iranian mullahs.

It was not democracy to raise false fears to drive America to war and spy on Americans who opposed those policies.

It was not democracy to establish an Iraq Reconstruction Authority that was run by an American with the attitude of a Roman Proconsul.

It was not democracy to install political hacks in key reconstruction positions, then allow some of the greatest greed, corruption and incompetence in the history of capitalism.

It was not democracy to steal and waste money that was meant to build hospitals and schools, so some made fortunes, while troops gave their lives and Iraqis suffered unendurable misery.

It was not democracy to peddle lies to promote fear to push for war that corrupted even the front page of the New York Times. It was not democracy to promote propaganda to peddle war that corrupted the intolerant editorial pages of the Washington Post. Nor was it democracy to accuse newspapers of treason when they belatedly printed truth.

It was not democracy to have a Vice President almost universally seen as the free world's leading advocate for torture. It was not democracy to try to keep this torture secret.

It was not democracy force out the Chief of Staff of the Army for daring to speak the truth and it was not democracy to force out the Navy lawyer who won a historic case for justice before the United States Supreme Court.

It was not democracy to hold secret White House meetings with oil company lobbyists where insiders passed around maps of Iraqi oil fields. It was not democracy to seek to install Mr. Chalabi as leader of Iraq after an American invasion. Mr. Chalabi's relationship to freedom and democracy in Iraq was zero. He would have been a leader in Iraq with no support within Iraq, installed by Americans, with the result that would only help the Iranian mullahs.

It was not democracy to raise false fears to drive America to war and spy on Americans who opposed those policies.

It was not democracy to establish an Iraq Reconstruction Authority that was run by an American with the attitude of a Roman Proconsul.

It was not democracy to install political hacks in key reconstruction positions, then allow some of the greatest greed, corruption and incompetence in the history of capitalism.

It was not democracy to steal and waste money that was meant to build hospitals and schools, so some made fortunes, while troops gave their lives and Iraqis suffered unendurable misery.

It was not democracy to peddle lies to promote fear to push for war that corrupted even the front page of the New York Times. It was not democracy to promote propaganda to peddle war that corrupted the intolerant editorial pages of the Washington Post. Nor was it democracy to accuse newspapers of treason when they belatedly printed truth.

It was not democracy to have a Vice President almost universally seen as the free world's leading advocate for torture. It was not democracy to try to keep this torture secret.

It was not democracy force out the Chief of Staff of the Army for daring to speak the truth and it was not democracy to force out the Navy lawyer who won a historic case for justice before the United States Supreme Court.

It was not democracy to hold secret White House meetings with oil company lobbyists where insiders passed around maps of Iraqi oil fields. It was not democracy to seek to install Mr. Chalabi as leader of Iraq after an American invasion. Mr. Chalabi's relationship to freedom and democracy in Iraq was zero. He would have been a leader in Iraq with no support within Iraq, installed by Americans, with the result that would only help the Iranian mullahs.

It was not democracy to raise false fears to drive America to war and spy on Americans who opposed those policies.

It was not democracy to establish an Iraq Reconstruction Authority that was run by an American with the attitude of a Roman Proconsul.

It was not democracy to install political hacks in key reconstruction positions, then allow some of the greatest greed, corruption and incompetence in the history of capitalism.

It was not democracy to steal and waste money that was meant to build hospitals and schools, so some made fortunes, while troops gave their lives and Iraqis suffered unendurable misery.

It was not democracy to peddle lies to promote fear to push for war that corrupted even the front page of the New York Times. It was not democracy to promote propaganda to peddle war that corrupted the intolerant editorial pages of the Washington Post. Nor was it democracy to accuse newspapers of treason when they belatedly printed truth.

It was not democracy to have a Vice President almost universally seen as the free world's leading advocate for torture. It was not democracy to try to keep this torture secret.

It was not democracy force out the Chief of Staff of the Army for daring to speak the truth and it was not democracy to force out the Navy lawyer who won a historic case for justice before the United States Supreme Court.

It was not democracy to hold secret White House meetings with oil company lobbyists where insiders passed around maps of Iraqi oil fields. It was not democracy to seek to install Mr. Chalabi as leader of Iraq after an American invasion. Mr. Chalabi's relationship to freedom and democracy in Iraq was zero. He would have been a leader in Iraq with no support within Iraq, installed by Americans, with the result that would only help the Iranian mullahs.

It was not democracy to raise false fears to drive America to war and spy on Americans who opposed those policies.

It was not democracy to establish an Iraq Reconstruction Authority that was run by an American with the attitude of a Roman Proconsul.

It was not democracy to install political hacks in key reconstruction positions, then allow some of the greatest greed, corruption and incompetence in the history of capitalism.

It was not democracy to steal and waste money that was meant to build hospitals and schools, so some made fortunes, while troops gave their lives and Iraqis suffered unendurable misery.

It was not democracy to peddle lies to promote fear to push for war that corrupted even the front page of the New York Times. It was not democracy to promote propaganda to peddle war that corrupted the intolerant editorial pages of the Washington Post. Nor was it democracy to accuse newspapers of treason when they belatedly printed truth.

It was not democracy to have a Vice President almost universally seen as the free world's leading advocate for torture. It was not democracy to try to keep this torture secret.

It was not democracy force out the Chief of Staff of the Army for daring to speak the truth and it was not democracy to force out the Navy lawyer who won a historic case for justice before the United States Supreme Court.

It was not democracy to hold secret White House meetings with oil company lobbyists where insiders passed around maps of Iraqi oil fields.