Bless this

I can't stand people who say God Bless You!
when other people sneeze. I dislike even more
people who insist that you say it to them. I was
raised to believe that if I had a disgusting semi-
voluntary biological event occur (burping, farting,
coughing, pissing my pants and, yes, sneezing)
that the proper thing for me to do was say excuse
me, not turn it into a sad attempt to get other
people to pity me and say hosannahs over me.

I had this girlfriend once about about three years
ago. She was a sad, desperate spinster-in-the-
making with about five married sisters. Her clock
was ticking so loud I almost couldn't hear the crazy
in everything she said. Almost. One night, she tells
me she has a "deal-breaker." You know, one of
those little things that if a man doesn't have or do
make him an unsuitable partner for a woman. I'm
thinking criminal record, B.O., yellow toenails,
homosexual tendencies, communist sympathies,
a tail or something really outrageous.

No, this chick's "deal-breaker" was when the person
you're going out with doesn't voluntarily say "excuse
me" after you sneeze. She didn't even want to tell me
because if she told me then I couldn't do it spontaneously.
She was in luck , of a sort.

"What a coincindence," I said, "mine, too!"
"Really?"
"Yeah, except I can't stand it when a woman I go out
with insists that I say it. People should really excuse
themselves after they sneeze, I mean, it isn't like you
are dying or just got done confessing your sins ... come
on."

I meant it too. All the women my age got that stupid
"deal-breaker" from the movie "Singles" anyway. It
isn't even original. If you are such a need freak that
you have to have people acknowledge you with sympathy
just because you blew snot and germs into the air in a
fine mist, then fuck off. I don't need sex that bad, frankly.
No one does.