The Flying Nachos Movie

I worked on this movie script with two other dudes back in 2000. It's rough as fuck because basically the director was an incompetent A-hole who couldn't write for shit yet insisted on rewriting my dialogue even though ideas and dialogue were basically why I was brought on. It doesn't have a title, but I took to calling it "The Flying Nachos" movie after this one gag that should never have gotten into the movie but in fact made it all the way to production... where it failed miserably to work as planned.




FADE IN:

To OPENING CREDIT on black.

anthony (v.o.)

So it's like this deserted little island, right?...

Image PANS slowly right to the face of ABE, mid 20s, and then past him and back into black.

anthony (v.o.)

...And there's these five people who just show up. All of a sudden one day, it's like they just vanish, you know?. And then they're here - on this island...

OPENING CREDIT

anthony (v.o.)

...They're from different places, different backgrounds. None of them know each other or how they ever got here - or why they're here, if there even is a reason...

Image PANS slowly right to the face of MARVIN, mid 20s, and then past him and back into black.

anthony (v.o.

...They can see this other land mass, shrouded in mist, way off in the distance, right? But it's so far away, there's no telling if it's the mainland or just another island...

OPENING CREDIT

anthony (v.o.)

...And nobody's got any clue how to get there, anyway. Of course, everybody has an idea. One guy who knows nothing about the sea wants to build a boat...

Image PANS slowly right to the face of JORDAN, late teens, and then past him and back into black.

anthony (v.o.)

...Some CPA thinks they should light a signal fire on the mountain with his glasses or something...

OPENING CREDIT

anthony (v.o.)

...Another one wants to hang-glide across, off this big rock. Hell, one of 'em even thinks they can swim across...

Image PANS slowly right to the face of DALE, mid 20s, and then past him and back into black.

anthony (v.o.)

...So there's all these ideas, but nobody really buys anybody else's and they won't cooperate. They're all getting a little cynical...

OPENING CREDIT

anthony (v.o.)

...And things start to break down, socially. The thing is, none of 'em's sure how to get across...

Image PANS slowly right to the face of HAYLEY, mid 20s, and then past her and back into black.

anthony (v.o.)

...And they don't really even know where they are. The only thing they have in common is, none of them's content to just sit on this island...

OPENING CREDIT

anthony (v.o.)

...So they all go off on their own, right? Eating fruit and hunting pigs, or whatever - they don't have a clue...

Image PANS more quickly now, back to the face of Abe, and then past him and back into black.

anthony (v.o.)

...They're working on these ideas they don't understand to get to some land they don't even know...

Image PANS quickly back to the face of Marvin, and then past him and back into black.

anthony (v.o.)

...There's no shortage of criticism or failure, and they don't really seem to be making any progress...

Image PANS quickly back to the face of Jordan, and then past him and back into black.

anthony (v.o.)

...No one's getting across, and now, no one's even getting along. Everybody thinks everybody else is out to get them...

Image PANS quickly back to the face of Dale, and then past him and back into black.

anthony (v.o.)

...And now they're even starting to doubt themselves. Then, just when they're about to give up...

Image PANS quickly back to the face of Hayley, and then past her and back into black.

anthony (v.o.)

...Just when it looks like they're never going to make it...

Image PANS very quickly past each of the five faces in succession, rapidly accelerating.

anthony (v.o.)

...Just when everything seems to be spiraling out of control...

Spiraling image has nearly become a blur, when it cuts to


int. basement - evening

A close-up of Anthony.

anthony

...Something happens.

He glances around for a response. He and four other guys - Abe along with WESLEY, STEVE and NICK - sit around a card table, which is littered with role playing books, maps and dice.

Wesley

Why a desert island? I mean, it's so ... Gilligan. It throws me off.

abe

(shrugging)

I like it.

steve

(cutting them off)

What do you mean "something happens?" What happens?

anthony

You know, they start to make it - gain a little ground. Maybe the boat guy learns how to seal his cracks or the beacon guy makes like, some primitive reflector or something. I'm not done yet.

Nick is clearly a little annoyed.

nick

So, we gonna play or what? Kasob needs a new Sword of Wounding and Anthony's story ain't gonna get it done - no offense.

steve

(ignoring Nick)

Okay, the thing is, do they make it or not?

nick

Screw it, I'm rolling.

Nick goes on with the game as the conversation continues.

anthony

I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.

wesley

Could there be a mermaid in it? I mean, if they're on an island anyway...

abe

That'd be kind of cool.

Anthony shrugs, looking quickly back at Steve.

steve

I don't know, Tony. It's like, there's this bunch of losers who eventually graduate to mediocrity. Who cares?

wesley

Maybe they have to break down and start eating each other - like Alive, only with more action.

abe

Okay, now that's just gross.

anthony

I don't know, man, it's just an idea. I gotta take a piss.

Anthony pushes away from the table and walks away as Nick continues rolling dice and checking charts.

steve

(shaking his head)

I don't like it.

abe

It's a start.

nick

It's so Outer Limits.

abe

(nodding, impressed)

Exactly.

nick

No - I mean, it really is Outer Limits. I saw it last week on TNT. I think Robert Kulp was in it.

abe

Really? Anthony just ripped it off?

nick

Well, close enough. They crash-land on some distant planet, and they try all of the same stuff, only there's like aliens and volcanoes.

wesley

Well, so who cares if they get across the water? They're still stuck on another planet.

nick

(rolling his eyes)

There's no island, dipshit. They're just on some planet. Anyway, they all end up dead.

steve

Yeah, hack boy must have fallen asleep before the ending.

Nick shakes his head and rolls the dice again.

nick

(not looking up)

Speaking of hack writers, when's your next poetry night there, Allen Ginsberg?

Nick smiles over at Abe, who just chuckles to himself and shakes his head.

abe

It's tonight, and I'm more of a disciple of Walt Whitman. At least the crowd seems to think so. You guys should come out sometime. I think I'm starting to reach some people.

Wesley nods, impressed, while Nick goes back to the game.

steve

People are gonna clap no matter what. Like pretend you really suck, you think anybody's gonna have the balls to boo you?

int. bistro - evening

A MAN sits with his date at a small table.

man

(yelling)

Get off the stage, you no-talent piece 'a crap!

The cafe is packed with critics, some booing a little, some laughing at their gutsy neighbors. Abe sits by himself on the stage, reading from a crumpled piece of notebook paper.

He tries to finish his awful poem over the growing chaos, doing his best to ignore the quiet criticism. After several lines, he moves his head quickly to avoid a flying platter of nachos.

Marvin sits at a table with ALEX and ZACH, both in their mid-20s.

marvin

(very upset)

Damn it, Zach, why'd you go and do that?

zach

(pointing to the stage)

The guy really sucks, dude. He deserved it.

marvin

I don't care, man. I paid six bucks for those and I ate like three. You don't just go and throw somebody else's nachos.

zach

I don't even know why we come to this fag show. Three-fifty pitchers of the Beast ain't worth this. I'd pay three-fifty to wait in the car.

marvin

How 'bout six bucks? Would you pay that, you nacho-stealing bastard?

alex

Forget about the six bucks and the poetry and the nachos and everything else. Where we're headed, you can have all the nachos you want.

marvin

I hope you mean Mexico, dude, 'cuz the band ain't even getting us nachos. Not unless you booked us at Rey's Cantina again.

alex

Fame and fortune. That's where we're going. We're the best rap-core band in Iowa, my friend. One break and we are Mahatma.

marvin & zach

What?

alex

(annoyed)

Gandhi. Mahatma- never mind.

marvin

Fine, we're awesome. I'm just not ready to start counting our profits yet, you know what I mean? Six bucks is still a big deal.

zach

How long you gonna be sore over the damn nachos?

marvin

You threw 'em like 10 seconds ago. I don't think I'm way out of line, yet.

Suddenly, their attention is diverted to the stage, where a MANAGER stands at the microphone.

manager

Excuse me. Whoever threw the nachos can pack up your things and head toward the exit, because your evening is over.

int. zach's garage - night

Marvin, Alex and Zach are jamming in the dusty, poorly lit garage. They seem to have no skills. Marvin plays guitar, with Alex on bass and Zach on the drums.

All of a sudden, Alex stops playing and raises his arms.

alex

That's it! I quit!

The "music" grinds to a halt.

marvin

What's up?

alex

We sound like trash - like a garage band, which is exactly what we are.

(to Zach)

What the hell are you doing back there? You plan on singing tonight?

zach

What's the point? You guys play so loud, you can't hear me anyway.

alex

The mic will be here any day now. You still have to practice.

zach

Who ever heard of a band where the drummer sang lead anyway?

Subtly, from the background, a gentle guitar riff is heard - soft and mellow, but pretty good. It gets slowly louder as the brothers argue.

alex

I tell you every time we practice - I will sing lead.

zach

But I wanna sing lead!

alex

So what are you complaining about!?

zach

I want to play the guitar.

alex

Oh really!? So what? I'm supposed to play your kit?

zach

That's cool with me.

alex

Yeah, okay. That's a really good idea. Except - I can't play the fuckin' drums!

zach

(sarcastic)

Yeah, like I'm Dave Grohl over here.

Finally, the background music becomes too much.

alex

(spinning on Marvin)

What the hell are you doing!?

marvin

(looking up)

I'm practicing.

alex

Well, if I hear Amy Grant needs a guitar player, I'll let you know. Maybe in the meantime, you could give hard-core a try.

zach

I though we were rap-core.

alex

Shut up.

Suddenly, they hear tires screeching in the driveway. They stop to listen as a car door slams. A second later, something thuds off of the garage door and they hear a voice outside.

jordan (o.s.)

You guys suck ass!

ext. zach's garage - same

The garage door is lifted, and the band members stand there staring out, angry expressions turning to confusion and pity. Marvin's eating some generic nachos.

Parked at an angle in the driveway is a rusted out old car, with Jordan standing outside the passenger door in an inspirational high school football T-shirt.

jordan

(quieter)

You guys suck.

marvin

(nodding)

Yeah, we got that part.

zach

(staring offscreen)

What the hell is that? A Slurpee? You threw a Slurpee at my garage?

marvin

That's pretty rude, man.

Sure enough, a Slurpee lays near the edge of the driveway.

Jordan climbs back into the car, a little scared.


int. car - same

Jordan climbs in next to SAM, who's driving. CLIFF sits in the back seat. All three are similarly dressed, in jerseys and inspirational T-shirts from high school and all are late-teens to early-20s.

jordan

Let's rock 'n' roll!

Sam slams the car into "drive" and steps on the accelerator.


ext. zach's garage - same

Of course, in "drive," the car screeches forward, a few feet onto the lawn. The band members just stare at the pathetic sight.

While Sam negotiates a slow three-point turnaround, Zach picks up the Slurpee and heaves it at the car.


int. car - same

The car screeches out onto the street, the Slurpee in the middle of the windshield.

jordan

(smiling broadly)

Those guys sucked ass, dude.

Everybody's laughing, clearly pleased with their prank. Jordan trades a couple of high-fives as Sam switches on the wipers to lose the Slurpee. Unfortunately, it just makes a mess.

cliff

That pussy Zach used to play football back home, can you believe it? Big, stupid faggot.

sam

Well, he is big and stupid.

jordan

And a faggot. So when did he play?

cliff

Well, he graduated just before our freshman year, so... the year before that, I guess.

sam

I bet the pansy hasn't worked out in six years.

jordan

I been working out.

cliff

(smiling)

Oh yeah? You still beefing up? You still gonna play for the Bobcats?

jordan

Believe it, dude. I'm not gonna count on a scholarship, but I'll play.

sam

You worked any of this out with the coach?

jordan

Not yet, but he'll give me a tryout. I got mad skills. If I keep hitting the weights like I been, he can't resist.

int. gym - day

Jordan's face shows amazing strain as he attempts to conquer the bench press. The camera pulls back to reveal very mediocre weights on each end.

He seems to be making no progress, but he doesn't have a spotter, so he just continues to struggle. When it becomes clear he won't be lifting it, he has to try to squirrel out from underneath.

Just as the bar hits the bench, his unclipped weights spill off one side and the unbalanced bar topples to the other with obvious commotion.

Jordan falls off the side of the bench and scampers to his feet, looking around nonchalant.

dale (o.s.)

What a sorry, pathetic...

The camera pulls back to reveal Dale, dressed in a camouflage T-shirt, watching the spectacle with his friend, CAMERON.

dale

(shaking his head)

That loser wouldn't last 10 minutes in basic.

Cameron just smiles and shakes his head.

dale

I'm serious. I've seen guys twice that tough crawl home like scared little schoolgirls.

cameron

But not you, right? Army snipers don't get scared?

Dale starts a set of dumbbell curls.

dale

Don't call me that. I never said I was a sniper.

cameron

Oh yeah, I know. Jimmy just got confused. Sniper and Private almost rhyme.

dale

I'm serious. I thought I could trust you guys when I told you about some of my assignments. But you blow everything out of proportion and you can't keep a secret.

cameron

You need to lighten up. So, are you gonna finally go out with us this weekend?

dale

No, I gotta report to base by 0600 Saturday-

cameron

Come on, man. Every weekend. What's so important down there, anyway?

dale

You know I can't tell you.

cameron

Yeah, right - classified. Gimme a break. We ain't been at war for like 30 years.

dale

Well, if you really want to know, I'll tell ya.

cameron

Yeah, yeah, I know. And then you'll have to kill me.

ext. field - day

Close shot of Dale's face.

dale

Listen up, because I am only going to say this once. When you ignore instructions, when you fail to work together as a team, when you're more interested in halftime oranges than in the triangle defense, you're not gonna win many games.

He's talking to a team of happy, young children, all seated nearby on the sideline of a soccer field.

dale

Anyway, 12-4 ain't that bad. We're getting a little better each week and we'll win one soon.

A little hand shoots up near the back.

dale

(smiling)

Every five minutes, Erin.

The team laughs and ERIN just tilts her head at him, her hand still raised.

dale

What is it?

erin

Mister Private Grady?

dale

That's me.

erin

(smiling broadly)

Marcy thinks you're cute.

MARCY, next to Erin, buries her blushing face in her arms as the crowd sounds a collective "Oooooh!"

dale

(smiling)

Well, to tell you the truth, I think Marcy's very cute, too. But right now, it's time to get your gear and get your sodas and go-

Suddenly, MAJOR HAWKINS walks in from the side, smiling.

hawkins

You're good with the kids there, ain't ya Grady? You know though, youngsters, what he's better with?

Dale cringes in the background as the children ask a collective "What?"

hawkins

Latrines. After Private Grady here shines up the urinals, they look so much like mirrors, I feel like I'm whizzin' on myself.

ext. bleachers - same

Hayley sits in the bleachers with DONNA and several other parents, watching through a window and waiting for the class to end.

hayley

He's so good to those kids.

donna

(confused)

Hawkins?

hayley

God no. Hawkins is a pinhead. No, I mean Dale. He seems like a good kid.

donna

Oh yeah, he's a sweetheart. I just hope he doesn't imitate the Major too much.

hayley

Hey - I was gonna ask you. I got a pair of tickets for the ballet next weekend and I wanted to give you first shot.

donna

I don't know, Hayley. It doesn't really appeal to me too much. The first time you're up there, though, I promise I'll be front and center.

hayley

Well, that might be a little while. My last three auditions haven't exactly been stellar.

(Donna frowns)

It was all the last guy could do to not laugh at me. It's like all they want anymore are middle aged women who look like eight-year old boys.

donna

It'll work out for you. Just stick with it.

hayley

Well, I split my evenings and weekends between Erin and dancing, but I don't really feel like it's going anywhere.

The children begin to stream out of the rec room.

donna

Just hang in there.

Hayley just smiles, kind of sad, as Erin walks up to her.

erin

(all smiles)

Hi Mommy!

hayley

(smiling)

Hi there, sweetie. Did you have fun?

erin

Yeah! We lost by eight. And I told General Hawkins that you said he sleeps with boys.

int. dressing room - night

A door is flung open and MONTANA enters, heavily made-up and wearing little more than a robe. She stares off-screen, a little confused.

montana

Are you out of here already?

Hayley stands by a mirror, tucking in her shirt and adjusting her makeup.

hayley

Yeah, it's Erin's birthday tonight, so I have to take off.

Montana rounds a corner to change clothes, off-screen.

montana

Well, that's pretty lucky. You get to entertain the quiet evening crowd and then bail before the real sleaze starts showing up.

hayley

(cringing a little)

Sorry about that.

montana (o.s.)

Don't worry about it. There's enough girls tonight - nobody'll have to double up.

int. strip club - same

Hayley makes her way through a side door and heads toward the bar. Wesley, seated near the front, grabs her arm as she passes.

wesley

Hey there. You got a phone number?

hayley

(pulling away)

I don't think so.

She continues toward the front, as Wesley turns to Abe, seated at the same table.

wesley

Her loss, am I right?

abe

I don't really know, Wes. I mean, I'm sure you're a great piece of ass and stuff, but...

(shrugs)

wesley

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm probably not that great.

abe

(laughing)

Anyway, I checked out that book Nick recommended. Hopefully, the real Walt Whitman can teach me a thing or two.

wesley

That's great, Abe. Maybe I can teach you a thing or two myself, if you know what I mean.

abe

I don't really know what you mean. But anyway, fine, teach me whatever. I gotta take off, though. I want to read some of this and work on my stuff for tomorrow.

Wesley tries to flag down a waitress, not really paying attention.

wesley

That's great, buddy. Then you can make some more poems and whatever.

abe

Yup, I guess so.

(noting the lack of attention)

Unless, of course, the damn Commies show up.

wesley

Yeah, you always gotta be ready for the Commies.

(toward the bar)

Hey! Can we get another pitcher over here!?

int. bistro - night

The crowd sits silently, staring up at the bar. They're not captivated, but they're also not booing.

Abe is in the middle of his poetry reading. Somehow tonight, he seems surprisingly mediocre. There are no vocal critics in the house.

When he gets finished, the silence remains and a couple of people in the back even offer some mild, disinterested clapping.

Abe's face lights up like Christmas.

BEGIN ENDING CREDITS

Credits roll over a montage of images and are scored by music strikingly similar to the riff played earlier by Marvin.

Jordan works out in a gym with some small dumbbells and flexes his meek physique in a mirror.

Dale plays some softball with his class of third grade cadets.

Hayley takes some ballet lessons with a group of elementary age girls, including her daughter, Erin.

The last image is a sync-sound cut of Marvin, as he plays and sings the closing music.

END ENDING CREDITS

FADE TO BLACK

kim (o.s.)

Hey, it's Abe, right?

Abe steps into the black frame, which turns out to be a close exterior shot of the bistro. KIM stands nearby, mid-20s.

abe

Yeah. That's me.

kim

Well, I uh, I thought your poetry was pretty decent tonight.

abe

(smiling)

Oh yeah? It spoke to you?

kim

(considering)

It was okay.

They walk into the distance, chatting.

The camera pans to the right to watch them leave, but continues panning, until the image of Anthony, the cameraman, shows up in reflection in the bistro's front window.

CUT TO BLACK