Lloydish Tales: Recipes that will kill your ass

It seems like an inordinate number of our stories centered around the dinner table or food so I decided to do a whole page of only food related stories. Dig in bitches!
Greg's Famous Onion Soup Recipe
Take one onion, preferably one your roommate hasn't already cut up for sammiches, add to water, gently simmer ten minutes, eat the onion and drink the water. Anything tastes good when you are hungry enough.

California Dip
Add one packet of Lipton Onion Soup Mix to 16 ounces of sour cream. Mix, chill, dip your favorite chips!

Pete's California Dip
Add two packets of Lipton Onion Soup Mix to 32 ounces of sour cream. Root in it like a pig all weekend long!

Kirk's Sour Cream
Don't ever take even a teaspoon of Kirk's sour cream without asking no matter how long it sits there (he knows it's there) or you will be nothing but a god damn thief, do you hear me? A THIEF!

Pete's English Meatloaf
Buy a packet of French's Meatloaf spice and VERY CAREFULLY follow the recipe on the back of the packet. Add all ingredients except for the contents of the spice packet you are reading the damn recipe from in the first place! Serve with lots of ketchup and salt because this tastes like shit.

Mike's Paperoni Pizza
Using a boxed pizza kit, follow the crust instructions and add your favorite toppings. Take one pepperoni with Hormel written mysteriously all over it, slice thick chunks of it and leave the small circles of paper on, you will need that later to have something to get pissed about. Make two pizzas, drop one of them on the floor because you have pussy hands. Get super pissed off and then dare anyone to say anything about the paper on the pizza. If someone points out the paper, just say, "well I like it" or "no one else is complaining". As if that is supposed to make sense. Stupidity is as good as a rational argument at shutting people the hell up, hence the term stupefy. Serves no purpose.

Kentucky Fried Crap
Take the cheapest acceptable cuts of chicken, thighs and legs will suffice if necks, feet and gizzards aren't available, roll in flour, fry the shit out of them at high heat using no patience and serve three times a month. The taste of burnt flour will stick with you until morning.

Feeding Frenzy
The tendency for two or more men (usually teenagers) to go as fast as possible for the largest slices of a pizza in order of succession from largest to smallest until the pizza is gone and no one really enjoyed it that much anyway.

Splitting a pie with Pete
One way to avoid the horrors of the feeding frenzy is to split the pizza in half along reasonable, mutually agreed upon boundaries, this way both people can enjoy what they have without trying to get all they can. One person finds a reasonable division and the second one chooses a side, very fair. I used to let Pete divvy it up and then I took my time deciding which was the one I wanted, hedge and bitch. Finally, Pete would get frustrated and let me have the half that one a couple of microns bigger. VICTORY! Man, I was a pig.

Famous Mike's Cookies
Wait until it is someone else's day to do the dishes, make a nasty ass baked on mess and then leave all of the dishes piled up. Eat all of the cookies except for three and give those to your roommates like a bone to a dog. However, if you feel generous, give them free reign, but be careful, they might decide to eat all of the cookies to teach your ass a lesson about making other people clean up your messes.

Kirk's Delicious Balls
Kirk was very popular because of his tasty Porcupine Balls. Bake dry rice into otherwise deliciously spiced hamburger balls and serve with a dental plan cause these fuckers are CRUNCHY! The good thing is that the rice expands in your stomach and if you don't suffer a bowel obstruction, you won't be hungry again for a long time. Try to avoid liquids for a couple of days after this though.

One man, one pan, a master plan
After your roommate throws a chair at you the same night you make a magnificent feast of baked chicken with more sides to it than Sybil, take an oath to never cook anything more complicated than it takes to make in one pan. Hamburger Helper is good. So is hash and most rice dishes. If anyone complains about eating Helper all the time tell, them them that you WOULD make something else but the last time you made a nice chicken someone tried to kill you. If it is the first WEEK in the semester and one fucker counters that HE hasn't made the same thing twice ALL semester, offer to do a little dance for him. Wait a full thirty seconds for him to think of a comeback and when all he finally comes back with is a lame "no", say "Well, okay then."

Spaghetti ala Pete
Make a shitload of Kraft Spaghetti Dinner mix it up in a bowl like you are slopping the hogs and don't stop eating 'til you puke! Then eat the rest.

Spaghetti ala Mike
Overcook really cheap pasta, preferably Martha Gooch's because it is so starchy, it looks like there is snot all over it. Add tons of sauce and then mix it up just enough to get all of the sauce to the bottom and serve. Complain liberally that you could have sworn you made more sauce than that while everyone chokes on dry spaghetti. If anyone complains, just say, "Well I like it." Or challenge them to a fight.

Yo quiero real tacos
Mike swore these were the best tacos in the world and he would get super pissed (gasp) if anyone contradicted him because it was his mothers shitty recipe. "My mother is a saint!" Take a pound of lean beef and pulverize it using two fork in a criss cross pattern until there are no discernible chunks or the meat liquefies. If you use a Teflon pan belonging to your roommate, you can can fuck it up so try to do that. Add no spices or onions, just salt and EASY ON THE PEPPER! Brag about how you like spicy food while sucking these lame ass tacos down with Pace Medium Picante.

Riot Steak
Using a filthy oven with at least a year and half's worth of soot and grease on all sides, broil steaks with no aluminum foil underneath them (it's the smoke that makes them taste so good). If the oven catches on fire, don't use the fire extinguisher you just got from the landlord yesterday, that would make too much sense, plus the landlord would have to refill it again. Throw water on the flames and pray they don't spread out of control. Enjoy flame-broiled goodness!

If it ain't bland, salt it anyway you piece of shit!
As if to make a point to everyone, ask for the salt before you even taste your food. It makes everyone who spends time cooking hate you like a fucking disease. If one of your roommates makes something with the perfect salt level and you dump more on until it is salty as hell, blame them for it because you are an ASSHOLE!

Got Milk, Motherfucker?
Splitting groceries with three other guys sounds good to a point. But the feeding frenzy can make some aspects of communal living difficult. I.E. if everyone is paying for the milk but one person is drinking 32 ounces of it per meal, there is going to be a problem.

The Iceman Spilleth!
Just for shits and giggles, fill a 42 ounce glass with as much ice as it will hold. Fill to the very top with water. Take one sip and let it stand on the floor in perpetuity until some fucker trips over it. Like you can't see a huge glass of water in the middle of the floor? Call FEMA to help clean up the flood disaster. Learn CPR in case someone drowns in YOUR HUGE FUCKING GLASS OF WATER! Thank God Pete didn't have a thing for chocolate milk or the world would have ended by now, killed by an airborne variety of chocolate engorged, rotten milk bacteria which would have undoubtedly evolved from his many glasses left unattended to this day. Forget about Ebola or hemorrhagic fever. The deadliest disease known to man would have been the dreaded Chocolate Death!