Bless This

When I was just a wee lad, my mother taught me the importance of saying "excuse me" after certain unfortunate but inevitable biological events. Farting, coughing, hiccupping, burping, shitting your pants, yawning and sneezing. Now for some odd reason I've never been able to fathom, sneezing has been granted some sort of sacred place among the otherwise notably disgusting bodily functions to which we human are prone. Sneeze at work or in public and some dogmatic fool is just bound say "God Bless You" as though it were their solemn obligation. Frankly, I hate these people. First off, it's a meaningless, misdirected act of politeness based on a centuries old misbelief that we lose a piece of our soul every time we sneeze. We should abolish the practice on that basis alone. Secondly, it creates this undesirable sense of social obligation in the sneezer. Are you supposed to say thank you to the blesser? Personally, I like the occasional sneeze. It's like a little orgasm in the middle of my face. Breaks the day up nicely. I don't do it for attention and I don't want anyone to notice let alone acknowledge and give me their unqualified blessing.

So just keep it to yourselves.