Colbert ... doing the job of America's "press corps"

Stephen Colbert performed at this year's National Correspondent's Dinner in Washington, D.C. This was a great SNAFU on someone's part. Colbert has been using satire to do the job of America's press since last October.

Of course, Colbert didn't play ball. He didn't soften his approach to the president and the press, if anything, he turned it up a notch. In repsonse, his performance has been completely ignored by the main stream media in favor of covering some lame presidential twin routine. Colbert didn't kill in comedy terms. His audience was like deer in headlights. But this performance is an important example of speaking truth to power. After all, there just isn't anything funny about going to war in Iraq whether you support it or not.

Here is a corrected transcript of Colbert's performance. It might be a bit rough, but it gets the job done ... unlike America's press.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an
announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bullet proof SUVs out front, could you
please move them. They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof SUVs and
they need to get out.

Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House
correspondents’ dinner. To just sit here, at the same table with my hero, George
W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch
me. You know what; I'm a pretty sound sleeper that may not be enough. Somebody
shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? The one guy who could have
helped.

By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything at
their tables, speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers and somebody
from the NSA. Will be right over with a cocktail.

Mrs. Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps,
Mr. President and first lady, my name is
Stephen Colbert and it’s my privilege tonight to celebrate our president. We're
no so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brain backs on the nerd patrol.
We're not members of the Factanista. We go straight from the gut, right sir?
That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut.

Do you know you have more nerve endings
in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it
up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that’s not true.
That's because you looked it up in a book. Next time look it up in your gut. I did.
My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works.

Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, ok? I give people the truth,
unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the No Fact Zone. Fox News, I own the
copyright on that term. I'm a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set
of beliefs that I live by.

Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists.
My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the
Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot
wait to see how “The Washington Post" spins that one tomorrow. I believe in
democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China
figures out a way to stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit. In fact,
ambassador, welcome, your great country makes our happy meals possible.

I said it's a celebration.

I believe the government that governs best is
the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a
fabulous government in Iraq.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.
I believe it is possible. I saw this guy do it once in Cirque
du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that
everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I
believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it’s
not butter. Most of all I believe in this president. Now, I know there are some
polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us; we
don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of
statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a
well-known liberal bias.

So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people that say
the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it’s important to
set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the
glass is half empty, because 32% means its 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid
in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it. The last third is usually
backwash.

Folks, my point are that I don’t believe this is a low point
in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback. I mean, it's
like the movie “Rocky." The president is Rocky and Apollo Creed is everything
else in the world. It's the 10th round. He's bloodied, his corner man, Mick, who
in this case would be the vice president, and he’s yelling cut me, Dick, cut me,
and every time he falls everyone says stay down! Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky he
gets back up and in the end he -- actually loses in the first movie.

OK, it doesn't matter. The point is the heart warming story of a man who was
repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval
ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is
doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the
job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven’t.

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because
he stands for things. Not only FOR things, has he
stood ON things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded
city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to
America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in
the world.

Now there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very
forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting
that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By
2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car.

And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe.
Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show
America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one
beef, ma’am. I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I've never been a fan of
books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist
telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen.

What's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it
was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. I'm with the president, let
history decide what did or did not happen. The greatest thing about this man is
he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday,
that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change,
this man’s beliefs never will.

And as excited as I am to be here with the president,
I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is
destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives
you both sides of every story, the president’s side and the vice president’s side.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret
prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason:
they’re super depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished.

Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, WMD
intelligence, the affect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know,
and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far
as we knew.

But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works.
The president makes decisions, he’s the decider. The press secretary announces
those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make,
announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your
family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in
your head. You know the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the
courage to stand up to the administration. You know ... fiction.

Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all?
I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the
White House has personnel changes. Then you write they're just rearranging the
deck chairs on the Titanic. First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This
ship's not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are
rearranging the deck chairs on The Hindenburg.

Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some heroes out here tonight...
Buckley, Kim Schieffer. By the way, Mr. President,
thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here
is I promise you. How is Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Ridge but we can bump him. I mean bump him. I know a guy. Just say the word.

General Mosley, Air Force Chief of
Staff. General Peter Pace. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren't retired
yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.

Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how
to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire.

C'mon, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use
it on these guys. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows,
you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. C'mon.

Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting and
challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he’s going to say what he
wants at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that
metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Justice Scalia’s here. May I be the first to say welcome, sir. You look
fantastic. How are you?

John McCain is here. John McCain - John McCain.
What a maverick. Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I
guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. He could have used a spoon. There's no
predicting him. So wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I
have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob
Jones University. So glad you've seen the light.

Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I would
like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., The chocolate city with a marshmallow
center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Malamar is what I’m
describing, a seasonal cookie.

Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband since Dezi
Arnez. And, of course, he brought along his lovely wife Valerie
Plame. Oh, my God! Oh, what have I said? I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to
say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilson's lovely wife. Patrick Fitzgerald not here tonight?
Dodged a bullet.

And we can't forget man of the hour, new press secretary,
Tony Snow. Secret service name, Snowjob. What a hero, took the
second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody
else. McClellan, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time
with Andrew Card’s children.

Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the
decision so quickly, sir. I was vying for the job. I think I would have made a
fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know
how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and
with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and
gentlemen, my press conference.

(Video Tape of Colbert being stalked by Helen Thomas, the grand dame [little old lady] of the Washington Press Corps ... very funny)