Never eat anything bigger than your own head

For the graduating class of 2005,
a few words of advice:

Don’t use the word “ironic” when
all you mean is “weird” or “coincidental.”
It’s not ironic that you ran into
your friends at the mall.

Only when the literal meaning is
the opposite of the intended meaning
or when a series of dramatic events
results in circumstances incongruous
with the expected outcome is something
“ironic.”

And dance. Dance like you haven’t got
a brain in your head ... unless people
are watching, then act like you just
tripped.

Never support a Constitutional amendment
to make something illegal that isn’t a
problem in the first place.

“Facetious” is not the same as “funny.”
“Facetious” is ill-timed humor. You
aren’t being facetious when you tell
a bad joke at a party, you are being
facetious when you tell a joke at a
funeral and no one laughs. A joke that
goes over well is never ill-timed.

Enjoy your body, but don’t ever let
anyone else enjoy it. There is no
such thing as “a good touch,”
especially at a fraternity party

Don’t move to a big city just to be cool.
That doesn’t work. Cool people are cool
no matter where they live. Move to a big
city for economic opportunity, better
entertainment, a great view, 24-hour clubs,
diversity, great restaurants, people who
"get it" and to see celebrities.


Don’t wait to be discovered. Instead,
make a huge ass of yourself until
you are totally dismissed or accepted
as bold.

Vanilla Coke. It’s Coke and vanilla.
Don’t get excited. Besides, have you
tried Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper? It
rocks!

If you THINK you might like skydiving,
you probably won’t. If you KNOW you
would like skydiving, you definitely
won’t.

Why buy used when new smells so much
better?

Fashion is for pop culture victims.
Never do anything just because everyone
else is doing it. If you can afford to
shop at Hot Topic for punk outfits,
you’re not really punk.

Don’t think too much about being popular.
Popular people don’t.

A simple box fan quiets the voices in your
head ... for a little while any way.

When writing your manifesto, a shack in
the woods is as good a place as any to start.
It offers privacy and mystique.

Never believe that serious issues can only
be addressed seriously. Comedy is the
greatest weapon we have against tyranny.
Guns help, too.

Don’t hate people because they are different
from you. Hate people because they are just
like you and reflect your inadequacies.

If a train leaves Lincoln heading east at
60 m.p.h. at the same time a car leaves
Des Moines heading west at 75 m.p.h. does
anyone really care?

Margarine no, butter yes.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can
do today unless you are absolutely sure
you can get away with it.

Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen if
you don’t tell them about it every chance
you get.

“Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn” is the
single greatest science fiction movie
ever made right behind “Bladerunner,”
“2001: A Space Odyssey,” “Soylent Green”
and “Westworld.”

Travel as much as you can. See the world
in all its glory. You never know how long
it or you will be here.

Cats are not smarter than dogs just because
they use a litter box. That’s ridiculous.

The less a person has to say, the louder
they are likely to say it. Listen more than
you speak. Don’t assume loud is right. That’s
just fascism.

You don’t need all that sugar. Have a piece
of fruit.

And dance. Dance like your tip depends on it.

Spanking ... ain’t nothing wrong with that!

“Made in America” means something again with
no small thanks to the Japanese. Makes you think.

Nine times out of 10, if you are the same but
everyone else is different, you just crossed
over into The Twilight Zone.

Why run when you can walk? Why read when you can
see the movie? Why cook when you can eat out?
Why stand when you can sit? Why try when giving
up is so easy?

Don’t be linear. Come on, we’re operating in a
post modern pastiche here. Let's get with the
program, already.

The greatest minds in history had the messiest
desks ... and the best looking girlfriends.

Tacos can be soft or fried, but that crispy
shell thing you get in a box is an abomination.

Sometimes doing the right thing takes great effort.
Sometimes doing the right thing takes no effort
at all. Knowing when to act and when not to act
is the key.

Everything is better in moderation except for cheese.

Credit cards are the devil’s plastic.

Listen to college radio every chance you get.

There is no such thing as a stupid question,
just questions asked by stupid people.

You cannot succeed if you do not try, but on the
other hand you can’t fail either.

No one likes a whiner unless she is an extremely
attractive woman, then no one seems to mind that
much.

Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Being folksy is a good way to make people trust
you.

Being rich is a good way to make sure people do
what you want whether they trust you or not.

Never say “I love you” unless you really mean
it or if someone says it to you first. You can
always take it back later and accuse them of
pressuring you.

And dance. Dance like a monkey with its tail on
fire.