My Bullshit New Year's Resolution Post

I don't know who invented the notion of
the New Year's resolution, but they should be
horse-whipped through the streets and forced
to eat the mountains of saccharine they've
inadvertently forced the world to suck down
every year from columnists and broadcasters
talking about what their resolutions for the
upcoming year are going to be.

"I'm giving up fructose!"
"I want to lose three pounds!"
"I want to stop hanging around junior high
schools on my days off!"
"I want to learn a new word every day!"
"I want to come out to my parents!"

It's all crap if only because most people don't
know the verb form of resolution is resolve
and they end up saying "my resolution is"
a thousand times rather than "I resolve to"
even once.

And of course the really subtle subtext of
all of this is that no one does what they resolve
to do.

"I broke my resolution the first day!"
"The first day? I broke mine the first hour!"
"Hahahahahahahaha! RETCH!"

Do it. Try to do it. Whatever but for God's sake
just shut up about it already would you? Year
after bloody year it's the same God damn patter
at home, at work, on TV.

I'm starting to understand why some right
thinking old people get to the point where
they'd just as soon die for having lived too
long. You see and hear the same pap over and
over again. If one more person tells me it's not
the heat, it's the humidity I resolve to bake them
in an oven at 350 degrees for an hour and half
until they are fork tender.