Colbert/Stewart '08

'Sky falling,' says local chicken (Spring, 2004)

I've said this before, but when Time Magazine does a cover
story on it, it lends me some credibility. Americans will
worry themselves to death over asteroids, killer bees and
Satanic cults while ignoring, denying and dismissing serious
issues like global warming, pollution and political corruption.
They will have a fit over gay marriage while their president
gets away with lying about a war that has killed thousands.
They panic about avian flu, west Nile and ebola but won't
get a flu shot.

Here's what I said on the subject a couple years ago:

'Sky falling,' says local chicken

Whether you know it or not, we are all extremely lucky
to be alive this week. Oh sure, that might be true any
old week, but this week, every single man, woman and
child should sigh an extra sigh of relief because an asteroid
flew so close to the earth last week that it very nearly
took out a few weather satellites on its way by. Now
that's close.

The asteroid, 2004 FH, was about 100-feet in diameter,
which doesn't sound very big at all. Truth be told, it isn't
very big, but even a good-sized bullet is only about a half-
inch wide. Speed is what does the damage. Objects just a
little smaller than a school bus explode in the upper
atmosphere all the time, but anything a few feet bigger
would get much closer to the earth before going POP and
taking out an area the size of a small city - maybe even a
small city itself if it went POP over one.

2004 FH had only about a 25 percent chance of hitting the
earth, but what I'd like to know is why the percentages?
Yes or no, people, what's the problem?

The problem with an asteroid that is about the size of a
school bus is 1) it is hard to see in the vastness of space,
so we almost never know one is coming until a couple
months before it gets done doing whatever it is it's going
to do. 2) It is hard to judge the actual size of objects that
far away so "about the size of a school bus could mean
anything from tour bus-sized to VW Beetle-sized to "Oops,
I think I need to change my pants"-sized. 3) Objects flying
in space at variable speeds change courses so much that
astronomers are basically odds makers. 4) There is nothing
we can do about asteroids any way so why bother worrying
about it?

According to an article on SPACE.com by Robert Roly Britt,
"... there is no established chain of command to the White
House in relation to possible asteroid impacts, nor is there
any plan for what government agencies should do regarding
possible evacuations or emergency preparations."

And guess what? The only reason we think we need one is
because of a few movies that came out in the 1990s that made
everyone paranoid that the Earth could be smacked at any
given moment by giant space rocks.

The boring truth is we really don't need a contingency plan
for asteroids because it wouldn't work anyway. Oh sure, in
the popular imagination, we do. But then enough people have
watched "American Idol" to make it last three seasons. So
much for the popular imagination.

The Earth hasn't been hit by an asteroid in a long time. We
are probably due to get nailed sometime relatively soon in
geological terms, but that could still mean millions of years.
Space is big. Real big. It's like, take the biggest thing you ever
saw and multiply that by a hundred thousand million times
and it's still nothing compared to just how really big space is.
It's inconceivable because it cannot be conceived.

According to Britt's article, "NASA spends a modest $3.5
million per year as part of the Spaceguard Survey search
for large asteroids, the sort that could cause global damage,
including a global 'winter' that might last years and could kill
off some species and possibly threaten civilization. Were one
of these objects bigger than 0.6 miles (1 kilometer) found to
be on an Earth-impact trajectory, scientists agree the warming
time would almost certainly be years or decades."

Hooray for our side. Now when the end is nigh, we can sweat
about it for years before realizing we were wrong.

With smaller asteroids, there is no way of telling where they
are going to strike once they hit the atmosphere and start
spinning. A few days out and scientists could still only say
2004 FH had about a 25 percent chance of hitting us. Thank
God it wasn't cloudy!

Now, let's say we do find out that in 30 years, a planet-killer
is coming. What are we supposed to do about it? There's not
much we COULD do since we are still basically a bunch of
primitive troglodytes who are WAY TOO IMPRESSED by
our cell phones. We need to make the future happen. Even
in several episodes of "Star Trek" where this plot actually
occurred, it proved very difficult to destroy or divert an
asteroid. And that's like 300 years away, man. They've
got phasers, tractor beams and powerful starships. What
do we have? Little, tiny rovers about the size of a go-cart.
We're screwed, man.

So this last "scare" has prompted NASA to take action.
Move over, Vin Diesel. Sit down, The Rock. Here comes
NASA! The big plan? The next time astronomers see a big,
old asteroid of any merit coming our way, they are going to
tell somebody. Hey, that's great.

Could we start building some spaceships, please? When I was
a kid, the future was supposed to be cool groove replete with
jet packs and flying cars. I don't think we've even cured any
major diseases since I was a kid let alone tackled some of the
issues facing the planet on a daily basis like making a car that
runs on hydrogen instead of fossil fuels. That would be nice.
Frankly, if we want to do something about the potential
destruction of the Earth, we should be worrying about
pollution, global warming, nuclear proliferation, over-population,
mass extinction and our dying oceans. Asteroids are just an
excuse to ignore real problems on Earth that are too hard to
bother with.
- You wanna rock? Here ya go. Tonight, Council Bluffs steps
20 minutes into the future as Storytellers at Barley's starts
in earnest at 7 p.m. Poets Matt Mason, Chad Lilly and Rick
LaFerla are lined up as is blues guitarist John Watt and Joe
Lidgett. Councilman Matt Walsh has a story I know the Hon.
Tom H. won't want to miss. You know you have stories, poems,
lyrics and anecdotes to share so play that funky music already,
white boy! Just remember, a big rock could fall from space and
kill us all in an instant, have you lived enough yet?
- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer. His column runs on
Wednesdays and Saturdays. He may be reached at 325-5746,
or at gjerrett@nonpareilonline.com.

Separating Art from the Artist

This Michael Richards soul-explosion has got me thinking.
I really don't want to be a part of dragging this thing out
for any longer myself, but I cannot help but be reminded of
something one of my profs once said about Hemingway during
the height of the late 80s PC backlash against the white male
misogynistic literary canon. He said that Hemingway did a lot
of things in his life that were all sorts of macho and maybe even
chauvinistic, but what we had to do was separate the art
from the artist. When you do that, Hemingway is an incredibly
sensitive writer with many great female characters that we
sympathize with. That isn't in spite of Hemingway, it's
because of him.

I bring this up in relation to Michael Richards because more
than a few people in the blogosphere have said they will not
be able to watch "Seinfeld" again without thinking of his rant.
I'm torn because his rant was nasty and leaves a bad taste in
my mouth, but I can honestly say that no show ever made me
laugh as hard "Seinfeld" and no one was funnier on that show
than Richards. So is it possible to separate the art from the
artist? To hate the guy whose work makes us laugh? In this case,
I honestly don't know. But I do believe that it's possible.

There is a prime example in the Volkswagen. One can argue
that it is one of the most prominent symbols of peace and flower
power from the 60s. You don't even need to slap a flower on
one of these things to think that whoever is driving one, is
probably a hippie. But did you know that the VW owes a good
part of its creation to two people? One is Ferdinand Porsche and
the other is Adolf Hitler. It's true. Now, I'm not saying that Michael
Richards is a Nazi, nor am I saying anyone should force themselves
to watch his antics if they find him truly disturbing. I am
making a case though for making room in one's own neurotic
little mind for two Michael Richards: the one you hate and the
one you loved watching as Kramer. That makes one no more
of a racist than it makes the armies of hippies who drove VW Beetles
Nazis.

Sad Sunday

This is an excerpt from an article by
Brent Budowsky called "Sad Sunday:
Iraq War Longer Than World War Two"
on Huffington Post. It's pithy!

It was not democracy to seek to install Mr. Chalabi as leader of Iraq after an American invasion. Mr. Chalabi's relationship to freedom and democracy in Iraq was zero. He would have been a leader in Iraq with no support within Iraq, installed by Americans, with the result that would only help the Iranian mullahs.

It was not democracy to raise false fears to drive America to war and spy on Americans who opposed those policies.

It was not democracy to establish an Iraq Reconstruction Authority that was run by an American with the attitude of a Roman Proconsul.

It was not democracy to install political hacks in key reconstruction positions, then allow some of the greatest greed, corruption and incompetence in the history of capitalism.

It was not democracy to steal and waste money that was meant to build hospitals and schools, so some made fortunes, while troops gave their lives and Iraqis suffered unendurable misery.

It was not democracy to peddle lies to promote fear to push for war that corrupted even the front page of the New York Times. It was not democracy to promote propaganda to peddle war that corrupted the intolerant editorial pages of the Washington Post. Nor was it democracy to accuse newspapers of treason when they belatedly printed truth.

It was not democracy to have a Vice President almost universally seen as the free world's leading advocate for torture. It was not democracy to try to keep this torture secret.

It was not democracy force out the Chief of Staff of the Army for daring to speak the truth and it was not democracy to force out the Navy lawyer who won a historic case for justice before the United States Supreme Court.

It was not democracy to hold secret White House meetings with oil company lobbyists where insiders passed around maps of Iraqi oil fields. It was not democracy to seek to install Mr. Chalabi as leader of Iraq after an American invasion. Mr. Chalabi's relationship to freedom and democracy in Iraq was zero. He would have been a leader in Iraq with no support within Iraq, installed by Americans, with the result that would only help the Iranian mullahs.

It was not democracy to raise false fears to drive America to war and spy on Americans who opposed those policies.

It was not democracy to establish an Iraq Reconstruction Authority that was run by an American with the attitude of a Roman Proconsul.

It was not democracy to install political hacks in key reconstruction positions, then allow some of the greatest greed, corruption and incompetence in the history of capitalism.

It was not democracy to steal and waste money that was meant to build hospitals and schools, so some made fortunes, while troops gave their lives and Iraqis suffered unendurable misery.

It was not democracy to peddle lies to promote fear to push for war that corrupted even the front page of the New York Times. It was not democracy to promote propaganda to peddle war that corrupted the intolerant editorial pages of the Washington Post. Nor was it democracy to accuse newspapers of treason when they belatedly printed truth.

It was not democracy to have a Vice President almost universally seen as the free world's leading advocate for torture. It was not democracy to try to keep this torture secret.

It was not democracy force out the Chief of Staff of the Army for daring to speak the truth and it was not democracy to force out the Navy lawyer who won a historic case for justice before the United States Supreme Court.

It was not democracy to hold secret White House meetings with oil company lobbyists where insiders passed around maps of Iraqi oil fields. It was not democracy to seek to install Mr. Chalabi as leader of Iraq after an American invasion. Mr. Chalabi's relationship to freedom and democracy in Iraq was zero. He would have been a leader in Iraq with no support within Iraq, installed by Americans, with the result that would only help the Iranian mullahs.

It was not democracy to raise false fears to drive America to war and spy on Americans who opposed those policies.

It was not democracy to establish an Iraq Reconstruction Authority that was run by an American with the attitude of a Roman Proconsul.

It was not democracy to install political hacks in key reconstruction positions, then allow some of the greatest greed, corruption and incompetence in the history of capitalism.

It was not democracy to steal and waste money that was meant to build hospitals and schools, so some made fortunes, while troops gave their lives and Iraqis suffered unendurable misery.

It was not democracy to peddle lies to promote fear to push for war that corrupted even the front page of the New York Times. It was not democracy to promote propaganda to peddle war that corrupted the intolerant editorial pages of the Washington Post. Nor was it democracy to accuse newspapers of treason when they belatedly printed truth.

It was not democracy to have a Vice President almost universally seen as the free world's leading advocate for torture. It was not democracy to try to keep this torture secret.

It was not democracy force out the Chief of Staff of the Army for daring to speak the truth and it was not democracy to force out the Navy lawyer who won a historic case for justice before the United States Supreme Court.

It was not democracy to hold secret White House meetings with oil company lobbyists where insiders passed around maps of Iraqi oil fields. It was not democracy to seek to install Mr. Chalabi as leader of Iraq after an American invasion. Mr. Chalabi's relationship to freedom and democracy in Iraq was zero. He would have been a leader in Iraq with no support within Iraq, installed by Americans, with the result that would only help the Iranian mullahs.

It was not democracy to raise false fears to drive America to war and spy on Americans who opposed those policies.

It was not democracy to establish an Iraq Reconstruction Authority that was run by an American with the attitude of a Roman Proconsul.

It was not democracy to install political hacks in key reconstruction positions, then allow some of the greatest greed, corruption and incompetence in the history of capitalism.

It was not democracy to steal and waste money that was meant to build hospitals and schools, so some made fortunes, while troops gave their lives and Iraqis suffered unendurable misery.

It was not democracy to peddle lies to promote fear to push for war that corrupted even the front page of the New York Times. It was not democracy to promote propaganda to peddle war that corrupted the intolerant editorial pages of the Washington Post. Nor was it democracy to accuse newspapers of treason when they belatedly printed truth.

It was not democracy to have a Vice President almost universally seen as the free world's leading advocate for torture. It was not democracy to try to keep this torture secret.

It was not democracy force out the Chief of Staff of the Army for daring to speak the truth and it was not democracy to force out the Navy lawyer who won a historic case for justice before the United States Supreme Court.

It was not democracy to hold secret White House meetings with oil company lobbyists where insiders passed around maps of Iraqi oil fields. It was not democracy to seek to install Mr. Chalabi as leader of Iraq after an American invasion. Mr. Chalabi's relationship to freedom and democracy in Iraq was zero. He would have been a leader in Iraq with no support within Iraq, installed by Americans, with the result that would only help the Iranian mullahs.

It was not democracy to raise false fears to drive America to war and spy on Americans who opposed those policies.

It was not democracy to establish an Iraq Reconstruction Authority that was run by an American with the attitude of a Roman Proconsul.

It was not democracy to install political hacks in key reconstruction positions, then allow some of the greatest greed, corruption and incompetence in the history of capitalism.

It was not democracy to steal and waste money that was meant to build hospitals and schools, so some made fortunes, while troops gave their lives and Iraqis suffered unendurable misery.

It was not democracy to peddle lies to promote fear to push for war that corrupted even the front page of the New York Times. It was not democracy to promote propaganda to peddle war that corrupted the intolerant editorial pages of the Washington Post. Nor was it democracy to accuse newspapers of treason when they belatedly printed truth.

It was not democracy to have a Vice President almost universally seen as the free world's leading advocate for torture. It was not democracy to try to keep this torture secret.

It was not democracy force out the Chief of Staff of the Army for daring to speak the truth and it was not democracy to force out the Navy lawyer who won a historic case for justice before the United States Supreme Court.

It was not democracy to hold secret White House meetings with oil company lobbyists where insiders passed around maps of Iraqi oil fields.

WTF, first Mel, now Kramer?!

Wow, we all hate hecklers, but this was a little over the top, no?

And the even more awkward apology on The Late Show.



Here's the thing that apologists never get around
to talking about and that's the fact that we all
know racists of varying stripes and background. I
cannot condone this tirade nor can I condemn Michael
Richards for the rest of his life. I see what he did
on stage as a bad move but not as some kind of
ultimate revelation of his true nature.

First off, I've known some truly hateful people
and they are very skilled at hiding their true nature.
It's usually the people who aren't that bad that end up
hanging themselves like this.

Second, as a performer or artist who tries to tap into
his stream of consciousness, this looks to me like a man
who said the wrong thing and then tried to defuse it by
blowing it out of proportion. It's a classic digging your
way out of a hole tactic and it never works.

Third, are most people really shocked by this behavior?
There are people laughing on both videos way after it
appears to be inappropriate. If it weren't for the use
of one word, the act would have gone on unabated. This
N-Word shit is ridiculous. The word is used constantly
in rap and film and it's put out there as some kind of
power trip as if to say, here is a word we can use, but
God help you if you even say it within the context of
talking about the word itself. I'm compelled to type the word
"N-Word" when talking about the use of the word "nigger."
That's ridiculous especially since I'm not trying to insult
anyone.

It gets even more ridiculous when I watch a show like
"Mind of Mencia" and Carlos Mencia does a video in
which he calls Kanye West a "crazy nigger." No uproar
and I saw that one on YouTube as well. So now I'm guessing
that it's OK to say the N-Word if you're Hispanic, but
not if you're Jewish?

So how's this gonna line up? Asians can't, but Pacific
Islanders can. Indians can't, but American Indians can,
but only if they live on a reservation. And what if you
are a mixed breed? Oh my God. What if you are half black
and half white? I bet it's OK for Denzel to say it, though
he never would. But I bet Mariah Carey and Nicole Ritchie
would still get their asses beat for saying it.

I think there is a deeper question to be put forward here
and that is if the word itself is bad why don't we take one of
these two approaches, but not both. Either we all stop using
the N-Word because it is bad or we take all power from it.

There is a solution and I think it's in recognizing the
context of these things. A friend of mine calls me a
big, Indian bastard. Now, I know he would never call me that
in anger, he does so out of love. It's his way of recognizing
what I am and appreciating it. It's OK because there is love there.
Just as there is when black guys call each other "my nigga."
Granted, Sidney Poitier probably never calls Harry Belafonte that.
A lot of younger dudes, black and white, will do this and not
get offended. Older folks will say it isn't right for a
white high school boy to say this to his black best friend
even though there is no hint of hatred in it, but I think
they are on to something. They have managed to take a
word full of hate and defuse it by making it synonymous
with "my friend" or "my man" or "my brother." And that's
not a bad thing.

On Further Inspection: Lifetime Movies Suck: The Post About How Lifetime Movies Suck

Meredith Baxter Birney

Have you ever noticed how all Lifetime movies have more than one title?
Titles like "Hidden in the Open: Guilty of Love: The Sally Baker Story." I
made that one up totally on my own before going to the Lifetime Movie
listings to pick the, following plums: "Moment of Truth: Justice for Annie"
was on this morning. "Lies of the Heart: The Story of Laurie Kellogg" is
on Wednesday and "Moment of Truth: Cradle of Conspiracy," "Homeless
to Harvard: The Liz Murray Story," "Playing to Win: A Moment of Truth
Movie" are ALL on Thanksgiving Day and "Moment of Truth: Why My
Daughter?" and "Desperate Rescue: The Cathy Mahone Story" round
out the melodramatic week.

No man with a soupcon of testosterone in his body can watch this channel
for more than a few moments without officially switching teams. It isn't that
the movies are bad. They ARE bad, no doubt, it's that they are SO FUCKING
UNBELIEVABLY MELODRAMATIC. It's one thing to tell the story of a
woman who overcomes an abusive husband to improve her lot in life. It's quite
another to make sure we all get the idea of just how hideous this guy is by
making sure that not only does he hit the woman as part of the story, he does
it in front of his mistress and the children from both unions in the middle of
a dinner party just because our hero asked him he'd like any more champagne
to celebrate their 25th anniversary. Oh and he gives her herpes, too.

It's too much. Even if all of it were rooted in fact, the presentation is so lame
it doesn't matter because it just looks like really bad fiction. These movies
are just some lame-ass female revenge fantasy without even a hint of
irony in them. At least Spike (the TV channel supposedly for men) seems
to know just how stupid they really are.

The real question is how does Lifetime or Lifetime Movies do anything
remotely positive for women? At least Oxygen takes a broad approach (no
pun intended) to women's issues. The closest Lifetime comes to covering
something as important as women's health is when they did "The Rapist
Gave Me Cancer: The Veronica Hale Story: A Women's Health Issue Movie."
I made that one up, but you probably couldn't tell.

Lest I forget, so-called "men's TV" is pretty freaking horrible as well. It's so
bad, you would think the programmer's at Lifetime were honestly trying to
give men what they think men want. It's so bad, you'd think men hadn't
come up with such things as mathematics, painting, music, the space
program and philosophy. In fact, watching Spike, it's hard to believe men
don't just roll around in their own feces all day looking at boobies. But that's
another rant.

What the fuck is this shit?

Law & Order

Dixie Shanahan at her trial (left), a photo from the trial showing Dixie Shanahan's abuse (center) and Scott Shanahan (right).

A couple of years ago, I covered a murder trial. That sounds
pretty exciting, but truth be told, even the best murder
trials are incredibly boring procedures that lend themselves
more to dry moralization than high drama. The murder trial
I covered was that of Dixie Shanahan and it was like a "Law & Order"
episode written by William Faulkner.

The basic facts of the Shanahan murder case are that
Dixie was married to a reprobate named Scott Shanahan who
beat her seriously and regularly. One day, Scott disappeared
and was never heard from again. At first, no one was concerned.
Over a year later, it started to look really suspicious. It turns
out that Dixie had shot her husband while he was asleep in their
bed, covered him over, blocked off the room and never went back
inside. Scott Shanahan's corpse weighed under 50 pounds when
it was found by the Shelby County Sheriff's department.

Now, I was at the trial and there was not one person who came
forward to say that Scott Shanahan didn't get exactly what he
deserved. In fact, there were a couple of people who made it fairly
clear that he was a piece of shit and if ANYBODY deserved to get
put out of his and our collective misery, it was wife beater and all-
around asshole, Scott Shanahan.

But this is where things get complicated.

Laws don't exist jut to make things easy for us. Laws exist to give
us some incentive to do what's right when doing what's wrong seems
preferable or easier. Laws exist primarily for cases just like this one.
The law is meant to prevent us from acting on our feelings. It exists
so we DON'T think it's OK to kill someone just because they are bad.
Was Scott a prick? Yes. Was he asking for it? Certainly. Would I have
like to have beat his balls off with a baseball bat my damn self? Hell
yeah. But the question isn't did Dixie feel the same way, the question
is did Dixie have a choice? You better believe it.

If you've got an abusive sleeping asshole in one room and a door to
freedom on the other side, you better take the door every single time.
And know this: had there been one single excuse I could have used to
give Dixie a moral walk, I'd've done it. If she had killed him during
any of his actual attacks on her, I would have said, let's throw her
a parade and dump this asshole in the creek. Dixie waited until her
husband was asleep, shot him, hid his body for over a year, continued
to live in the same house as the corpse and, perhaps most suspiciously,
continued to spend the rest of the dead guys $150,000 inheritance.

No one said life or the law would be easy to put up with.

My Huffington Post Post

I just posted a comment here on Huffington Post. It wasn't so much in response to the original post which was by a soldier who was encouraging other soldiers to be in parades and let the American people say thanks. Many responders just wanted to say thanks. My response was to one of the other responses in which someone encouraged this soldier to ignore those who do not pay respect. You will get the gist of what's going on by reading my response but the entire thing is here. My resp0nse is below.



I certainly do respect our men and women in the Armed Forces and give you my thanks as well. I do wonder when other posters say things like, "Please pay little heed to those who show no respect, because it says more about themselves than it does about you."

What does that mean? Are there not enough Americans with magnetic ribbons reading "Support Our Troops" on their cars? Are there not enough people giving their thanks? Are not enough people stepping up to show their respect or are we talking about ANY acts of actual DIS-respect? Because I'm not seeing any of that.

I believe that it is quite often a great person who offers to put themselves in harm's way for the greater good, but there is a great responsibility to make sure our sons and daughters understand that there is a real difference between sacrificing for the greater good and sacrificing themselves for a corrupt administration.

I support our troops but I won't put a magnetic ribbon on my car saying as much because I don't want it misconstrued as approval for this current war. And let's be clear, those "Support Our Troops" ribbons ARE taken to be support for the president and this misguided war in Iraq.

Right after 9/11, a lot of people signed up because they wanted to do some good. They were sorely used and that is a great shame on us all, but maybe just a little bit more so on those in our society that were all so gung ho to get our war on and denounce anyone who said, "hmmm, maybe Iraq isn't the best place to go to fight terrorism."

Again, thanks for your sacrifice and for that of the fallen.

By: gjerrett on November 17, 2006 at 06:36pm

Coffeehouse of Blues

This is another play I wrote, called "Coffeehouse of Blues."
It had one staged reading at The Maintenance Shop at Iowa State
University in Ames, Iowa in 2001 as part of The ISU Playwright's
Workshop showcase, "The Penis Project." It is not as slick and worked
over as "Last Chance," but then that was my opus. And if you don't
like it, maybe you can show me YOUR play some time, @$HOLE!
This started out to be a 10-minute play and turned into something
just slightly longer. It doesn't have a lot of action but it does
feature that which I do almost exclusively: dialog. Enjoy!

Below are some pics of the Maintenance Shop, but not the play itself.

Things going bump in the night (Saturday, October 04, 2003[?])

I want to just keep on saying this every day until Thanksgiving. You'd think by age, 57 and a half, it wouldn't come as such a surprise any more that the days get shorter and shorter as winter approaches, but every year ... "I can't believe how dark it is already."

I also can't believe how Halloween seems to get started earlier and earlier every year now, too, like it's Christmas. That starts unreasonably early every year as well, but at least with Christmas there are great fat gobs of cash to be made. If there's one thing I know about human beings it's that we will do anything for cash or - as the kids are calling it this month - "cheese" or "cheddar."

But is there really that much cheddar cheese to be made with Halloween? Sure, it's a bump for the economy, but there are only so many costumes, bags of miniature candy bars and plastic skulls one can buy unless one happens to be Rob Zombie.

Even Loan City on 35th and W. Broadway seems to have gotten into the spirit of Halloween, and I must admit I can't wait to see what they do for Christmas that will liven up our city's entranceway.

You can only do so much for Halloween a full month in advance of the actual holiday, because it is a very time-specific holiday. The spirits don't even start THINKING about getting out of the house until after the 5 o'clock news.

Halloween is definitely one of my top three favorite holidays of the year. The other two are Boxing Day and Ascension Sunday.

Halloween is the last of the great pagan brouhahas that still has any notion of "getting a little worked up" left in it. Not that long ago, Christmas was the biggest night to raise hell. I'm not even kidding about that.

Today, all of our holy days are boring. They are just becoming days when we repress our emotions even more than the rest of year. Thank God we can still have a good family argument at Thanksgiving. "Eating and crying ... you're like a crazy person! What's wrong with you? Have some more gravy and stop that!"

Ah gravy, is there nothing you cannot cure?

Halloween is one of those holidays where we do all sorts of stuff for reasons that completely baffle us if we bother to think about it. The answers are pretty interesting, too, I must say.

First off, Halloween is not really a dark or evil custom. It comes from the Celtic feast of Samhain (pronounced SOW-win or SOW-ween and definitely not SAM-hane), according to Peg Aloi, associate editor of Obsidian Magazine and an expert on pagan customs. Oct. 31 is right between the autumnal equinox and the winter solstice. It is a conceptual, celestial tug o'war. Most of our ancestors really paid attention to astrology because they lived off the land and in compliance with the seasons. Also because indoor plumbing, heated office buildings and TV had not yet been invented.

It was a time to "commune with the dead," a practice that was viewed with particular suspicion by the Church, but was probably no more bizarre than our practice of leaving cookies out for Santa Claus or flowers on graves. In fact, leaving food out for deceased ancestors or inviting them to dinner was just part of the spirit of the holiday.

Because the veil between the worlds was thin, fortune-telling was also big at this time of year. Bobbing for apples is traditionally a way of telling if someone would have good fortune or not. It stands to reason since having a big mouth has always been a pretty good indication of one's BS-ing skills.

And talk about fun ... check out this speed-reasoning:

Squash make for good lanterns. They are plentiful, cheap, last a reasonably long time and taste great baked. Spirits in Irish folklore were often given names such as Jack of the Green, John O'Dreams, Jack in the Pulpit. A flame that flickers on Samhain night is supposedly one that is being touched by a spirit. According to Aloi, "Jack-O-Lantern" or "Jack of the Lantern" is an old Irish folktale about a man who is unable to enter heaven or hell and so is condemned to wander the night with only a candle in a turnip by which to see. So by extension, one might carve a pumpkin and put a candle in it just to see if those ancestors have dropped by or not.

Breathe!

Dressing up like ghosts was seen as a way to lead spirits back out of town once you were done with them, and many cultures have begged for candy and other treats for a variety of reasons. There really isn't any mystery there. Bribing people not to vandalize your house? Same thing, only it used to be much bigger at Christmas time.

This is a fine time of the year, though. Even with all our streetlights and modern, food-storing appliances, it's easy to see how our ancestors could get all riled up and spiritual at this time of year. As the days grow shorter and the nights get longer, the mind - conditioned by eons of instinct - cannot help but offer forth its darkest thoughts.

So, if you've gotten this far, I want you to call or write me with your ghost stories. The good stuff. The real southwest Iowa, swear-to-God-it's-true stories of ghosts and other bizarre happenings of the season. Then, I will write about them. Sound good? You bet it does.

- Greg Jerrett is a Nonpareil staff writer.

Read my play or fear my wrath

If you're a friend of mine and you've never read my
play, Last Chance, you will have about 24 hours to
do so before I start asking you if you have yet and
then start pouting when you say, "No, I haven't
had time."

We both know that's a lie.

I just put the play here for your convenience, so now
you have no excuse. Below are some photos from
one of the performances.


Ben Godar as Craig.


Patrick Gouran as Buddy and Darci Horton as Becky.


Godar and Gouran right before their big love scene.
Just kidding. There was almost no gay sex in this play.

The World According to Forever Knight

How could life be so bad that you would give it up
for an eternity of, possibly, oblivion? It's an intriguing
question and one that has occasionally occurred to me
since I heard it asked in the final episode of the hit
Canadian vampire/cop show, "Forever Knight."

I don't care the source, the question is a good one. No
one really knows what's next. At best, they are just hoping
for some sweet reward, a cushy cloud, the Happy Hunting
Grounds, Nirvana or maybe even Pearl Jam featuring Jimi Hendrix.

Let's be honest, it is that fear in the back of everyone's head
that this life might just be all there is that keeps everyone
kicking no matter how bad things are.

Observations on how the Nordic national model of capitalism is superior to what we've got here in America by Princeton professor of politics, Jonas Pontusson from a blog post by Jeff Madrick on The Huffington Post.

• Examining all the rich nations, he finds no evidence that inequality of incomes is associated with higher rates of economic growth or that nations with greater wage equality are a hindrance to growth.
• He finds no conclusive evidence that countries with large welfare states have grown more slowly than those with smaller ones.
• Despite policies that support wages, Denmark, Norway and Sweden have a higher proportion of the working-age population employed than do other industrialized nations.
• Despite higher taxes and government spending levels, four Nordic countries are ranked among the ten most competitive nations in the world by the World Economic Forum.
• The Nordic nations spend a very high percentage of GDP on education, and the quality of education is rather equal. This may well contribute to economic growth.
• Nordic nations also promote gender equality and polices that encourage women to work during child bearing. These may enable the nations to more fully utilize and develop their human capital.

The Greatest Chicken Salad Ever

There are two secrets to making a good chicken salad
and I know both of them. The first secret is that you
should shred the chicken breast with a fork; don't
cube it. Shredding the chicken gives it more surface
space to absorb the salad portion of the chicken salad.

The second secret is real mayonnaise. I prefer Helmann's,
but Kraft will do as well. That salad dressing crap,
especially Miracle Whip, breaks down and leaves you
with runny stuff at the bottom of the bowl. That's
nasty. Even if you think you like Miracle Whip better
than mayo, remember that a great end result is what you
are looking for.

I like some toasted shaved almonds in my chicken salad.
A little grated carrot helps kick up the natural sweetness.
Golden raisins aren't half bad in there either. Walnuts. Pecans.
Lemon pepper, thyme, dill, herbs d'Provence or Green Goddess.
Boiled egg, shredded cheese, peas, chopped broccoli or diced pepper.
Mushrooms, sprouts, water cress, water chestnuts, it's all good.
Fresh diced onions and celery are a must though for a good
flavor base. But if you start with good basics, you could add
a shoe and come off with something halfway decent.

Letting your concoction sit is also very important. The flavors
need a chance to get know each other, mature and get funky.
A couple hours to overnight are recommended.

OK, Dems, you won, now what?

Imagine my surprise this morning when I found out
that the Republicans had NOT stolen yesterday's
mid-term elections. You could have knocked me
over with a hanging chad. Yesterday's election
was not the overwhelming cry of disapproval I would
have liked to have seen, but after the bitterness of
2000 and 2004, I'll take anything.

Of course, you know who's really got brown trousers
today? The Democrats. Now they have to actually do
something. They started with the excuses as soon as
possible though. "The President sets the international
relations agenda." "We still have to work with the
President." "We can't tell the President what to do."
Why not just admit that you don't intend to do anything?
And by anything, I mean doing what the House does best:
Yak about the war in session. Send resolutions to the White
House. Go on "Meet the Press." Set the freaking agenda
for a change instead of sitting back acting like you have
no choice but to go along with the madding crowd.

Man, how I long for the days of FDR. Now THAT was
a Democrat. He ushered us through the Great Depression
and World War II all from a wheelchair. All while his
health went down the drain. No excuses.

Voting Raw

You better believe I got out and voted yesterday. It is my
tradition to represent the unwashed masses by treating
my polling station like the I treat the laundromat: as a
place where it doesn't matter if I'm wearing underwear
or not; where it doesn't matter if I showered or not. At
least yesterday I did. And why not? Democracy is not
about elitism, it is about even the lowest among us getting
a chance to cast our ballot.

I enjoyed letting President Bush know what I thought of
his war in Iraq smelling like three day old socks and really
good cheese. My respect for democracy is not diminished by
my desire to practice it dressed for bed. No sir, in my book,
that shows that I might be lazy, but I'm not too lazy to vote.

Attention all starship diagram-loving geeks!

Click the pic. This site
has more sci fi ship diagrams
than could possibly be
healthy.

Kill Bill the Cat

Pop it like it's hot

When I was a kid -- way the hell back in the 70s -- people used
to make their own popcorn. It were something to see. They'd get
out a heavy pot with a lid. Set it under the fire. Melt some oil and
butter together and then throw kernels of corn into the pot and
wait for the pop. It took some skill. You had to keep those kernels
jumping around so they wouldn't burn and you had to be careful not
to use too much corn or you'd have a mess on your hands.

Now, I'm not gonna say that microwave popcorn isn't better. I think
this is one of those areas where the microwave actually does a better
job. For example. It's damn near impossible to melt butter and pour
it onto hot corn and get it to come out right. And table salt won't stick
to kernels unless they are a bit greasy. But there was something a
bit more soulful about popping your own corn.

For one thing, Americans have been popping corn for hundreds of years.
Indians invented it and popped it since time immemorial. Yanks picked
up the snack and invented kettle that would work as popcorn poppers.
It became THE snack for movie munching. Even during the Great Depression
and World War II, popcorn was affordable, fun and delicious. Like
so many other things, if it's too easy, we take it for granted.

I would also say an argument COULD be made for the homemade stuff
since recently a microwave variety called stovetop style recently came out.
I haven't seen it around, so it probably failed. But somebody out there
thought that popping your own corn was good enough to try and imitate.

So just for giggles, pop your own sometime. My advice is to use a mixture
of oil and butter as your frying and flavoring medium. Throw good kosher
or sea salt right in the oil for a good coating of salt. Try popping with sugar
for the full kettle corn experience. It may not be as fast or clean as the
microwave, but it is definitely more soulful.

Saddam Hussein will die for our sins

Saddam Hussein, Judas goat and future dead man.

Curfews and threats aside, Iraq is about to explode ... some more.
Sunday, mere moments after Saddam Hussein is sentenced to
hang for the crimes he committed (with our sanction) for decades
against the people of Iraq, a massive shitstorm is going to devour
that country. Our boys and girls are going to get caught in it, too.

In the future, movies will be made about this upcoming period
and big stars will gain indie cred for their rolls as soldiers caught
in the middle of a complicated maelstrom of political/corporate
greed. Why do the innocent have to die to fill the pockets of
Dick Cheney, the Bush's and all their cronies? Why do we keep
letting them get away with it.

I think the selection of the verdict date is politically motivated
to give the Republicans a boost in next Tuesday's election, but I
think it is going to backfire like a Howitzer with a grenade shoved
down its barrel. Sectarian violence will erupt, civilians and soldiers
will die and Americans will be reminded that our Republican
leaders let this happen.

Vote like your life depended on it

Here's my thing: Back in 2000, I remember a number of well-meaning lefties voting for Nader because they wanted real change. Though I agreed with them in spirit, I had a real bad feeling about another Bush getting into the White House. One of my Naderite friends said, "Even if Bush DOES win, things can't get much worse." Yeah, I'm sure he's choked on those words a few times since then. If not, he should ... hard core.

I don't think the Democrats are significantly better than the Republicans, but I do think what we've got now isn't so much a Republican administration as it is a corporatist hijacking of our government. Essentially, this creates a paradox because it at once proves that Nader was right and that we still shouldn't have voted for him when it was this close.

Say what you will, but we wouldn't be in Iraq right now if Gore had been elected. I don't believe 9/11 would have happened either, but if it had, we'd have come up with a plan that would have actually done something to curb terrorism instead of make the problem worse. In any case, Americans wouldn't be dying in Iraq right now.

So next Tuesday, I hope you plan to get out and vote because it should be plainly obvious by now that voting does indeed make a difference.