Happy Fucking Birthday

Scott Gillespie and I were born on the same day
in the same hospital in 1968. We met when we
were 16 working at Bishops Buffet. We were
pretty good friends most of the time but not
once did we ever celebrate our birthday together.
The first year was no big deal since we hadn't
known each other for more than a few months.

By the time we new each other for more than
a year, it was pretty clear that Scott was the
kind of guy who didn't like sharing. If we went
to get Chinese and he ordered the #3 and I said,
that sounds good, I'll have that too, he'd flip and
if he couldn't get me to order something else,
HE'D change his order.

Everybody's got their peccadilloes, fine. But
we'd made arrangements to hang out and
celebrate our birthday together year after
year and he'd become unavailable or have
some last minute excuse usually involving
the latest girlfriend.

For our 21st birthday, we made plans. He
never gave me any indication that anything
else was even on the table. As zero hour
approached, he called me up and said he
was on his way out to my house to pick
me up and make a night of it. I was all
moussed up and ready to go. I waited
and waited and that fuck never showed
up. He didn't call back that night, the
next day ... nothing. When I called his
house, he wasn't home.

I ran into him by chance at the mall
about 5 days later and rather than
express any real regret, he smirked
like a little bitch. An empty apology
is one thing, but having someone
barely contain his laughter while
doing it ... well that's just hurtful.
This was supposed to be a friend
of mine, after all, and he made
damn sure one way or the other
that I spent my 21st birthday, a
big one by all accounts, at home
doing nothing because he "stopped
to get gas and ran into **** who
wanted to buy him a beer, then the
next thing you know ...".

At one point just before this, he
needed to borrow 150 bucks to
pay Creighton for some shit so
he could enroll. I was at ISU
and had no money but I lent
him that cash and made sure
he knew it was no big deal, just
pay me back when you can. Fast
forward about a year when my
student loans didn't show up until
December. I'm fucking starving.
I must have lost 50 pounds that
semester. I called that dude up
and told him the situation and he
sent me a rubber check. When I
called him up about it, he asked
me to tear it up and said he'd send
me another one the next pay day.
I'm sure he didn't have any problem
spending money on beer and bitches
though. I never did hear from him
again that decade.

I ran into him in the mid 90s and was
friendly enough because in spite of
accusations of holding grudges for
far too long, I think this is one of those
"fool me once, shame on you; fool me
7 times I must be a fuckin' retard" situations.

It was always his mission in high school to
get me laid. It was like a sad 80s movie,
but so is being a teenager. One night,
I had two chicks I was making out with ... that's
right, both of them were mine all mine. Scott
was off screwing some other chippie while I
wrangled these two. They were definitely
not A material, but I worked to get them.
Scott gets done with his procreative activities
and what does this magnanimous soul do?
He horns in on the better of my two and
I'm stuck, as it turns out, with the one on
the rag. The only good thing about this is
the fucker got crabs from her and was going
into the Army the next day. But it's the
principle of the thing that matters.

Now, the last time he contacted me was
about 4 years ago. I was working at the
Nonpareil and he just got dumped by the
Korean chick he is now married to (I'll bet).
That was another pattern. He'd ditch you
for a bitch in a heartbeat, it was his favorite
excuse for missing birthdays or any appointment.
Some chick he just met that week always came
first. But if he just got dumped, he was your
best friend. Whatever year this was it was just
a few months before our birthday. So what does
Scott say he wants to do? He wants to make
plans to do something together on our birthday.
Well, I've heard this one before. It was routine.
He'd offer but never come through. I said,
"Why don't we just make plans and then
plan on not doing anything." Oh come on,
was his retort, as though my negative
attitude were the real issue and not his
years of pulling the same bullshit on me
time and time again. Luckily, I didn't even
expect him to come through. The one time
I called him to go out after that (at his
insistence) he told me he just got this
new girlfriend at work and she wanted
to make him dinner so I didn't even
think about him on my birthday.

So fast forward another 4 years to last
Friday and I get a message from this
guy and what does it say. "Hey it's
almost birthday time again ... blah
blah blah.. Schonberg ... blah blah
blah ... give me a call ... blah blah blah."

I erased the message forthwith. That
guy has jerked me off so many times
I think I'm entitled to at least ONE
happy ending. I'd be an idiot to do
anything but protect myself from
yet another casual betrayal of my
much abused trust. Any and all fun
I had with that dude has been
completely overshadowed by
these little acts of cruelty.

I have extremely low standards and
the only thing more amazing than
the fact that I can't get them met
is that anyone ever acts like I expect
too much. I can't tell you the last time
I saw a cake. Last year, my sister and
my dad took me to Iowa Feed and Grain,
a restaurant I fucking hate. If I hadn't gone,
I'm sure they would have gone anyway
because MY birthday treat was that I was
fucking allowed to tag along on their usual
Friday night supper plans ... to which I am
not usually invited.

I'm so fucking far beyond having a decent
birthday at this point that trying is pointless.
I'm like some wolfboy raised in the wild until
the age of 37. You try to pet a dude like that
and he's just gonna bite you no matter how
much he needs a good petting. By now, there
is just no god damn point in even trying any
more because even if I did have my dream
birthday, I'd be incapable of enjoying it. I don't
have the happiness mechanism in my brain.

But at least all this shit gives me something
to write about.

[insert appropriate emoticon here]