Where I've Been (or God this boil hurts)

I've gotten a couple of emails wondering why haven't posted
in a while. Long story short, I was in the hospital for about a week
because a boil in my thigh turned septic and really fucked me up.

Yeah, my doctor pretty much said it was the biggest abscess of its
kind he'd ever seen. Fourteen centimeters across and Lord knows
how deep. I had to go the emergency room and have a surgeon hack
on me. God damn bed looked like someone had a baby in it. I swear
to God I've never seen that much blood anywhere. The next day,
a pus bag the size of a baseball burst while I was on the toilet. It hurt
a good deal, but mostly I heard it. Sounded and smelled like someone
dumped a can of Chunky Cream of Veterinarian's Office Soup on the floor.
The pus was worse than the blood.

The best part of the experience ... besides knowing that I fought death ...
was the drugs. Jesus Christ. I had morphine and dilaudid, a hydromorphone
that just knocks you on your ass. It's like a warm bath for your mind. They'd
give me a shot of this stuff and a wave of pleasure would just wash over you
while you nodded out riding the fine line between waking and dreaming.
Morphine kind of sucks. I had the drip with the button so I could give
myself a bump every 20 minutes and it was just a dark. Kind of a rough
high that wasn't much fun or even that much pain relief.

After five days of being confined to a hospital bed, pissing in a jug and
watching basic cable, I was ready to get the fuck out. Now I'm homebound.
I've got nurses coming by to change my bandage and unpack the gash in my leg
and repack it. I'm bored as shit, but at least I don't have people waking me
up at 5 a.m. to do blood cultures, check my vitals and ask why I didn't go
to the doctor sooner. Oh I don't know. Because I'm not a pussy. I hate doctors
and hospitals and IVs and stupid questions and massive bills.