Mmmmmm ... original thought

I hate people who try to pass off lines from movies as
original material. There really is a fine line between
incorporating a clever quote into your conversation
and just ripping off Kevin Smith gems, which, let's
face it, aren't nearly as clever as they were back in
'94.

I reserve my real bane for people who shout "D'D'oh
constantly because "The SiSimpsonsis the greatest boon
to American literary culture since "Sister Carrie."

Jesus, people, at least try to find something clever
to quote. Pick a good movie not everyone has heard of
or maybe a classic. Modify it gently. Here's an
example.

"The universe is a crazy place, it's all swirling dust
over here and there, good and bad luck in the middle
... that's chaos, man, and that's my beef."

You could drop that into conversation some time when
you're feeling philosophical, confused and maybe a
little pissed off. It's not directly from source
material airing on the WBWBn prime time, so the
average American will likely mistake it for original
thought.

Or here's an idea, actually try some original thought.
It's good for the environment, keeps kids off drugs
and, God willing, makes life just that much more
interesting ... for me at least.

Inner rumblings

I got sick on the way to work today. Well, not so much
on the way to work but just as I was pulling up. I
don't feel like going into too great of detail, but
let's just say I needed to go home and get sorted out
before I could come back. I don't know what I ate that
gave me such problems, but I find it hard to believe
that the eggs and toast I had for brekkers, which I've
HAD for brekkers on a regular basis since I was a kid,
could have turned my bowels into a gurgling fountain
of Hell-spawned squidginess. Maybe it was the half a
jar of mayo I slurped up with a straw with my lard
sandwich. Nah.

Now me guts feel like a brick. I took three Immodium
and I'll probably be bound up for the next three days.
Still, it's better than painting my cube an
interesting shade of toupe.

Life of the geek mind

Where I work, there are some characters, man. First
off, they are techies so it's like working full time
at a Star Trek convention without the satisfying
ethos. The guy next to me belongs to some religion
that probably only exists in a game. Another guy spent five
minutes trying to describe to me the events of a Champions
game one night when I was trying to go on my 15
minute break. Anothe guy gets all excited every night to tel me
at length that he just found this web site that will let you
host skank from your web site even if it's banned by
your ISP. And they are all so into tech, high tech, the latest
hacks.

I find technology fascinating to some extent. I love my DVD player
and my computer; I like to make playlists, burn CDs, drive, microwave stuff,
etc. But the inner workings of computers ... man, it's
like a tangled, convoluted mess that is constantly
changing. It isn't so much technology as it is an
amorphous experiment testing everyone's
patience. So the guys who really dig it, who spend the
majority of their life online, game online, email and
text each other all day long are, to me, like another
breed. They're like autistic children. High
functioning ones, but still, children who are in their
own little worlds. Short attention spans, pop culture
fantasy-prone minds where imagination is pre-fab,
overweight smelly bodies, dragon t-shirts. I see it
all here. Still, it beats working for wankers.

Oh how the untalented keep scraping the bottom of that barrel

Back when I used to work at the Nonpareil,
incontestably one of the shittiest newspapers
published in Southwestern Iowa since the Council
Bluffs Daily Pooper Scooper, we used to joke about
declining ethical standards frequently. You see,
journalism is one of those fields where you don't
actually have to go to college to get into the field.
Doctors, lawyers and dentists are professionals;
journalists would like to be professionals. Most of
them anyway. So they have an entire canon of ethics
guarding what they do. Most of these rules are there
to be followed most of the time unless there is a
really good reason not to. The most important area of
ethical concern for any real newspaper is conflict of
interest.

While I was working at the Nonpareil, renowned dumb
ass and so-called publisher Tom "God ... DAMN I'm a
sad sack" Schmitt introduced front page ads. They were
down at the bottom of the page and it was a sad day,
but of course there were other papers doing it so who
cares about standards when there is filthy lucre to
gathered up for our masters at the World Herald.

Some months later, post-it note ads were introduced as
a way to put ads on the very top of the paper in the
right hand corner. It was a great day for ad whores,
but a sad one in the annals of journalism history
which pretty much doesn't give a toss what the
Nonpareil does anyway and why should it?

Then they decided to dispose of half of the pretense
and introduce ads that LOOKED like post-it notes but
were actually printed on the paper partially covering
the name of the paper itself. The average Joe no doubt
doesn't give a damn but then ethics aren't about what
is socially acceptable and what people care about,
it's about what you do in the dark when no one is
looking even though you could get away with it.

There was only one place left to go and that place
they did go. Last weekend they ran in that fake little
post it a paid political ad for Mike Petry and not
only was this ad encouraging people to vote for Mr.
Petry (who might well be a very good candidate, that
is not the point) but that one of his opponents had
only lived in Council Bluffs for two years. A negative
political ad top of the page, covering the name of the
paper.

I used to joke that one day they'd be running paid
political ads on the opinion page, but more than
likely they will just skip the wussy crap and go for
paid political endorsements, after all, that's where
the real money is.

Shadows of our former selves

The older I get the less I have in common with my
friends. They seem to be turning into bizarre
caricatures of themselves. I'm sure the same is true
for me, I just notice it about them. All the little
things they used to do that might have once been
described as endearing characters traits because they
natural now seem forced, overblown, really obvious.
Even the way some of them laugh seems like they are
trying really hard to act like themselves when they
were 16, 18 or 21.

Most of them have kids who have taken all that was
good about them and squeezed it dry, I think. Those
little parasites. Don't get me wrong, I love the
little bastards as much as someone who is not legally
required to take care of their every need possibly
can, but I can see what they are doing to these
friends of mine who used to never get pissed off. Now,
they not only lose their tempers to the point it makes
me uncomfortable, they do it while their kids laugh at
them. I'm used to making people uncomfortable with MY
emotions; people don't make ME uncomfortable.

And these kids, man. Juni Schonberg sits on my
stomach, stares deep into my nose and asks me why I
have so many hairs in my nose. Like I have an answer
to that. Then he lifts up my shirt to look at my
stomach, then uses me for a slide all in the space of
about five minutes. How am I supposed to respond to
that stuff? Why isn't he scared of me? Do I want him
to be? No, but if he were I might get a moments peace.

But I do like being called Uncle Greg.

I guess that is the secret. Kids take and take and
take but in that moment when they give you a big hug
and make you feel really loved, it almost makes the
hell they put you through seem worth it.

Firefox ... and you thought the movie was cool

Attention geeks of the second order (geeks of the
first order already know this), Mozilla Firefox rocks!
Firefox is a web browser, like Internet Explorer or
Netscape Navigator, that has been tweaked by many
geeks in the Mozilla project to provide all the bells
and whistles you could want with all the simplicity
your busy life requires.

Best part? No pop-ups, beyotch! That alone is enough
reason to get on board, but you can also browse all
your regular web sites regularly by saving them all as
tabs on ONE BROWSER. I open up Firefox and all my
regular sites come up automatically. You switch from
one to the other much faster than browsing from site
to site allows AND it uses less memory.

It also has these live bookmarks like Latest
Headlines. Just click on it and see all the headlines
from BBC, CNN or God forbid FoxNews. Read what you
want or go about your day oblivious as usual.

It also has a search window that allows you to add any
and all search engines you want. No more adding Google
and Yahoo toolbars or web sites to your favorites list
just to look up a word in the dictionary.

Check it out!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

My work situation has changed just enough to allow me
to send the occasional blog post. It is a great relief
since I get more satisfaction out of writing than I do
just about any other activity. ANY activity. I won't
name the one or two activities that most men use to
relax but find it sufficient to say... I'm not
talking about watching football.

So don't be surprised, trolls, if you find a good
reason to come back here every day.

Long Live the King, Baby!

Can a clown do this?

I love these new Burger King commercials. Have you
seen them? They feature the man himself, the crown
prince of ground mince, the overlord of the overloaded
bun, the Burger King. I've always preferred it, but I
admit that BK has always lagged behind McDonald's in a
number of important areas. Mascots are definitely one
area. Ronald McDonald is a freakin'' icon, kids love
him, adults remembers him fondly and at the very least
he comes off as friendly, recognizable and basically
everything a good corporate deathburger mascot should
be.

The Regent of Burger has never worked. It's just too
damn obvious. But the latest commercials featuring the
Burger King are incredible, perhaps unintentionally
so. The Burger King shows up rather frighteningly in
people's beds and atop unfinished skyscrapers to push
new products. The character itself is a bobblehead
looking thing with this maniacally beneficent look on
it's "face." This gargantuan representation of
friendliness peers around the corner of an I-beam in
one commercial promoting BK's new Turbo Joe. Even
though I knew I was watching a commercial of some
kind, I was noticeably freaked. It was a deep
psychological tweaking that I got straight from the
depths of the unconscious mind where I fear turning
around to find someone looking at me through an open
window or standing where they just shouldn't be. And
that smile, those unblinking eyes... It just makes me
shudder.

This new icon is either the worst idea any pr firm
ever had or the greatest post modern joke.

Not an Anglophile, just a BBCophile

Anyone who knows me knows that among the greatest loves of my life are cheese, diet Mountain Dew, Sandman comcis and Britsh television. They're brilliant. If I thought I could hack moving to England just for the TV, I probably would. A particular favorite in recent years is Simon Pegg, the young genius behind "Spaced," "Hippeis" and "Shaun of the Dead."

Download "Spaced" and it will completely change your perception of what British TV shows are all about these days.

I've been watching "Shaun of the Dead" repeatedly since I got the DVD last week. It is the tightest, funniest comedy I've seen in years. Really clever, original and well-timed. Fuck-a-doodle-do!

Wired again

Lately, I've found my ability to comment on current affairs truncated by a lack of cable. On the one hand it's been kind of nice. I feel a bit less bombarded by images and news and infotainment and ads. On the other, I kind of miss being bombarded.
I have a friend, Mikey, who records Sci Fi for me on Friday nights so I don't go without my weekly fix of Firefly, the Stargates and BSG. I pay close attention to the commercials looking most closely at movie ads, new fastfood inventions/recipes/specials, tv previews and news briefs.
It's kind of sad really, but a man can feel like an outsider when he drives by the movie theater and not recognize any of the titles. I am used to looking and not wanting to see any of the films because they don't interest me, but last week I saw five titles that gave me not one valid reference to something about which I had prior knowledge. I hadn't been anticipating their releases or planning on not seeing them. I just hadn't heard anything about them. I was out of the loop.
Oh look, Wendy's has a new chicken bacon swiss ranch burger ... didn't see that one coming.
Most of this stuff is pretty unimportant, but when London was bombed, I didn't hear about it until the next day.
So I went out an bought an antennae for my tv so I could get more than one channel. Now I'm back on ABC and NBC, which is like going form coffee to cocaine in pop culture terms. I guess I'm addicted. I guess I'll never make it as a hermit.