My Politcal Leanings ... no surprises here

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Smile you son of a ...

I work with a few people who remind me of sharks. Not that they have lifeless eyes like a dolls eyes or that they are cold blooded killers. No, they remind me of sharks because at least part of them never stops moving: their jaws. Just as a shark will let anything past its jaws, these great white talkers will say anything just so long as they never stop spewing what is in their mind out through their many rows of sharp crooked teeth.

"My boyfriend won't give me a list for Christmas, I gave him one ... you should just talk to your girlfriend and let her know how you feel ... oh that sounds neat ... I feel like Chinese ... I'm a soul-less harpie with no life whose least insecurities bleed out into the atmosphere like noxious gas into the earholes of anyone unfortunate enough to have normal hearing ..."

Uhhh. I just want to toss an oxygen tank into their gaping yaws and take potshots at it with a flare gun.

Excess and plenty of it

There is a good deal of debate at this time of year over what is the perfect entree for Christmas feast. Turkey is always a forerunner in the U.S., but since everyone eats turkey on Thanksgiving just one month prior, many opt for some other meat.
Ham is the obvious second choice but most Americans eat the processed ham often enough and couldn't a afford a good one (ie Virginia, Black Forest) to liven things up.

Roast beef is an obvious choice, but let's be honest, beef is what's for dinner in America all the damn time so having it for Christmas just makes the day seem ordinary.

Goose is practically a mythological creature in the United State. We see them fly over our heads, but I don't think I've ever eaten one. Frankly, I can't honestly say I know anyone who has. They certainly don't sell them at McDonald's. This normal absence would make goose a natural for Christmas except that most Americans like three things for the holidays: something they know they like, excess and plenty of it.

So in the name of all that makes our Lord Jesus weep, I recommend a new entree. An entree that even the Romans could not have anticipated for its gluttony. It is the turducken. The turducken is a turkey deboned coated inside with a layer of stuffing then covered with a deboned duck layered with stuffing then covered with a deboned chicken covered with stuffing then rolled up and tied to resemble a turkey. Baked and then sliced crosswise so that one gets turkey, duck, chicken and stuffing in nearly every bite.

It could only be made more perfect if it had a goose on the outside, more stuffing, then a suckling pig more stuffing and then a cow. In the center a cheese stuffed ham.

But that would be TOO too much, you know. Turduckens run about $90 when you can find a butcher who does them so the extravagance is certainly there. When you consider it's three birds in one, it's really not too pricey.

PC my ass

People (read: right-wing idiots) overuse the term politically correct. They've been doing it since the mid-90s to label anything remotely liberal as a kind of groupthink not worthy of debate. But the literal meaning of politically correct is really terminology agreed upon by the largest number of people.

Some guy just told me he thought Star Trek got a little too PC. That's BS. Star Trek out and out preaches. It is a morality play that tells us what we right and wrong are and how we should all strive to be. If Star Trek really were PC, Kirk and Uhura would never have kissed, that's for damn sure. The Enterprise would have been segregated. There would have been a Vulcans only drinking fountain. Starfleet would have helped all the blonde aliens detroy all the brunette aliens.

It's '06, I think it's time to stop accusing things of being PC.

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Geeks again

Why is it that people who are clearly borderline autistic think they are good judges of human nature? All the geeks I know don't show much interest in humanity until it comes to one subject: How could you create a virus that would work on a Mac. In order to get a virus to work on a Mac, apparently one would need to send an e-mail or create a pop-up that would look like a Mac message giving detailed instructions on how to open a Super User terminal window and enter the command to get the virus rolling. This is problematic since the user would have to be smart enough to follow the instructions, but not smart enough to realize that something hinky was going on. The painful part for me is listening to the psuedo-rational ramblings of people who don't know people going on about people. If you have nothing to go on, then why go on about it? Is there some scientific or even instinctive way to approach this? It isn't impossible for someone to be just smart enough to accomplish one thing without catching on to the greater threat. But who gives a shit, it isn't worth debating.

As a side note, I did learn a little something about the Internet today.

Everybody uses the Internet, but nobody knows how it works. This is true. We think we know. We get on our computer and go to web sites .. it works, that's it. But since the invention of the ARPANet in 1969, the entity known as the Internet has been around and you better believe it's the property of the U.S., we control it and nobody knows how it really works. It's a mystery. At least it's classified.

Crimbo is here

For millions of people the world 'round, Christmas can be a very lonely and depressing time of year. Many without family and friends, the elderly and homeless are faced seasonally with the reminder that they are alone.

For the rest of us, it's brilliant! Prezzies, grub, drunkenness ... maybe a day off work even. Not me though. I'm scheduled to work that day and man am I pissed. I also have to work Christmas Eve so it isn't like I can do ANYTHING to enjoy Christmas this year without quitting or calling in sick, which will no doubt become a firing offense. We'll see.

The validity of all opinions

Way the hell too many Americans think that just because they are entitled to an opinion that they are also entitled to have that opinion respected as though it were the word of a true expert. Here's the thing about your opinion: You ARE entitled to it, but it doesn't make you right. Lots of people like crap. I like crap. Just because you like something, just because billions of people like it doesn't make it good. Millions of people smoke, do crank, crack, coke and sniff glue. They love it, but it isn't GOOD by any reasonable definition. Not all opinions are equally valid. Some people are experts on food, technology, engineering, literature, TV shows, film, music and everything else. You might know what you like, but liking it doesn't make it art or gourmet or good. Get over it.

Posting the obvious

The place I work at has a sign on the door that says "Handguns and oher weapons are not allowed." Exactly who is this for? Anyone crazy enough to bring weapons to work isn't going to be deterred by a sign ... matter how big and official-looking the font is. Might as well put up a sign that says "Unicorn parking in the rear" or "No fat chicks." I guess someone is just covering their ass legally. I'd had to see the lawsuit that would ensue if someone came to work with a machete, a potato gun and a LAWS rocket. "No one told me I COULDN'T!"

My kung fu IS better than yours

The vicious little idiot struck again tonight. There is this dude I work with who had an absolute hissy fit about 6 months ago when confronted with the fact, offered by me, that maybe the recent round of Star Wars movies weren't quite as good as they could have been. It was like watching my old grandmother get really irrational about black people, the seething hatred that comes from what seems like no where. How in the hell can anyone get this pissed off about Star Wars, man? I mean, come on. There isn't anyone with one God damn brain cell in their head who thinks the last three flicks were as good as the first three. So why argue about it. I even told this dickhead not to get into it because he'd just get himself all worked up again.

Well he really tore it. I can't stand people who can't accept that they might like crap, that their opinion might be inferior to other more qualified people. I can admit this. I like Night of the COmet. It's a shitty movie, but it tickles me so I watch it. McDonald's is shit, but I eat it. Emeril Lagasse knows more about food than I do.

Suffice it to say, you get into an argument with an asshole and a bystander can't tell the difference. Frankly, I lost better friends than this guy the last time I took a dump. Why is it that potheads who like "debate" think that people with some genuine education want to chat with them about the vulgarian horseshit that interests them. I can admit that this guy has superior technical knowledge than I possess and it doesn't rankle me. So why is it that if I suggest I might know a bit more about writing than this guy he has to get offended like I'm calling him a moron. He is one, but I didn't call him that. It's an insult to me if you want to know the truth, that with my experience in the writing arts that every jerk-off on the planet seems to think their opinion on writing matters is equal to my own. It isn't. Just as others outstip me, I pass him by on this subject like he's standing still. Let him get pissed.

It's the little things

You know what's good? Toast. Toast is one of those things you forget just how good it is until one day you don't have anything else to eat in the house but a loaf of bread and stick of butter ... real butter. You slather on some of that butter, let it melt just a tad and wolf down that slice of electricly crispified goodness and wonder at how you could forget.

Of course, not all toast is created equal. Nothing is quite so disapointing as store brand sandwich bread that's been allowed to get a bit long in the tooth, toasted and covered with that fake butter shit made from vegetable oil. Makes me wanna retch. I like a nice multi-grain bread. I got a line on a sweet 9-grain bread that is so crunchy when toasted even Jesus Christ himself would say, "God ... DAMN that's a crunchy piece of toast!"

Real butter is aces. Cream cheese is nice. Marmalade's cool. Strawberry preserves rock. Peanut butter can't be beat. The only way I don't like my toast is dry. Never could see how anyone could eat dry toast.

Do your own time

Why is it some people's pain has to be everybody's? They have a saying in the joint, "DO your own time." It means prison is hard enough doing time for your own crime without having to bear up under everyone else's complaints.

You don't have to be in prison to get the full treatment though. I work with a guy who acts like every break and lunch is some sort of entitlement. All we have to do is ask and we usually get to go when we want. Just don't ask to go two hours after your shift starts or during a major shift change. Instant message the supe and wait for his repy, if it takes him a few seconds, don't start bugging about it.

Every freakin' day I have to listen to this guy piss and moan about his lunch, he's hungry, he's fiendin' for this or needs that. God forbid he bring a lunch or eat out of the machine. No, everyday he has to whine about how if he doesn't go to lunch now, Wendy's will be closed and he's fiendin' for a classic triple and a loaded baked potatuh, you know what I'm sayin'? Jesus, I'm a diabetic and I don't make that much of a fuss about when I eat. People who are that controlled by their glutty really piss me off.

What we contribute

Countries around the world have added to the human legacy in a variety of ways. The French have added their cuisine, their wine, their philosophers. The Germans have added their science, engineering and philosphies. Italy and Greece spread civilization to all corners of Europe. America's contribution is mostly in the realm of fizzy drinks, snack foods and sitcoms. And that's OK, too. Anyone whose ever chased down a Zinger with a diet Wild Cherry Pepsi while watching "Family Guy" knows just how true this is.

Let the good times roll

I think if there is one phrase I'd like to learn in every language on the earth, it is the one above. If the human race should ever want to adopt a motto, it should be "Let the Good Times Roll." Right now, it seems to be "Die, Motherfucker, Die!"

The Sleeper Must Awaken

Ever find yourself standing in front of the urinal (or sitting on the toilet for that matter) late at night or early in the morning to take a piss? If you are tired or just getting up to do your business, there can be this moment when you are waiting for the flow to start when you start to drift off. Then just when the flow begins you gt a start because you're not quite sure you should be doing this. It's the same automatic brain function that keeps you from wetting the bed. I don't know, I just find that kind of stuff fascinating. In order to take a proper slash, you have to be fully conscious which is more than most people can manage in their daily lives.

A Very Jerrett Christmas

Working on Christmas is bullshit. Even most gas stations should be closed on Christmas so far as I'm concerned. But every year movies open on Christmas because theaters are open on Christmas. Grocery stores are open. Chinese restaurants being open, that I can dig. I had a very good Christmas indeed one year when my mother and sister came to visit me at college on Christmas day. We went to the King Buffet and had a nice long lunch with a few other families who for whatever reason had opted out of the traditional Christmas fare. I suppose it was nice because I hadn't really planned on going home because Christmas is just another excuse for getting seriously depressed. It so rarely meets my incredibly stunted expectations. I'm not looking for a Dickensian experience. I'm not even looking for a Chevy Chase Christmas or a Very Brady Christmas. I just want to have a Very Jerrett Christmas.

The marketplace of ideas?

Why is everything in America reduced to a pitiful capitalist metaphor? Why does every square peg get shoved into the round hole of this paradigm? I had a dickhead former publisher who used to love saying that a newspaper is a for profit business and that was something to be proud of. Granted, among other things, a newspaper is a business and even one that, hopefully, makes a profit, but there is a difference between a business that makes a profit and a business that only exists to generate profit for another company. Money needs to be reinvenested after all in order to be effective.

This is the same dickhead who got cancer even though there was no tumor or cancer cell to be found. Apparently, his doctor said he had "cancer-like" symptoms and this was good enough for him. What he failed to realize is that medicine is a for profit business too these days.

I'm not saying he didn't or doesn't have cancer. I hope he does, you know, for the sake of the truth. But does it serve anyone that doctors should be as interested in generating profit as any other businessman? Glorifying profit is about as righteous and selling your soul to Satan for a few guitar lessons and a 30-pack of Stroh's. Money might be a necessary evil but not everyone needs to chase it and not every human endeavor is enriched by it either.

Florence Nightengreg

I failed to mention recently that I saved the life of a co-worker. It's funny really since that's the kind of thing that even the most humble of men would brag about. I am not a humble man as such, but this incident happened quickly. I reacted quickly and, I can honestly say, a minimum of ego involvement. I wouldn't have thought it possible either.

I came into work and Terry, a fellow diabetic, looked like he was having a bad day. His brow was furrowed and when I said hey he shook his head. Someone else noticed that he wasn't responding and that he was out of it. I then realized he was having a low blood sugar event i.e. his blood sugar was so low that he couldn't speak or move. He was dazed and unaware of his surroundings.

I got him a pop and fed it to him for nearly 30 minutes while feeding him my glucose tablets until he began to slowly come around. I could tell it was working because he kept thanking me and saying "I appreciate it." He was pretty helpless and I played nursemaid without thinking of how it looked or what it meant for me. I didn't do it for credit or kudos, I did it because it was necessary. Terry is a real sweetheart who is prone to these episodes which are almost like seizures. It's not likely that anyone else would have even known what to do. I was glad I was there so he didn't die or suffer the humiliation of having the boss call 911 prematurely.

FoxNews is foreign-controlled propaganda

My buddy Mike B just emailed me. He watches FoxNews every morning. I told him I find it sadlly ironic that the network conservative Americans turn to to get the truth about what's going on in America is owned by an Australian media mogul with a reputation for muck-racking, biased yellow journalism.

Mike's a good guy and I think with a little bit of encouragement from some decent, hard-nosed lefties like and those in Chicago, he will soon turn to the side of righteousness.